Media: All-Star Break shenanigans with Dan Shaughnessy's column of DOOM!

Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe tends to go overboard with everything. Hell, he's the guy who wrote The Curse of the Bambino! Personally, I like Dan Shaughnessy for entertainment value. I'm sure I'd hate him if I were a Red Sox fan -- but I'm not, so the relationship is just fine.

This morning, Dan Shaughnessy fired out a tweet with a link to his latest column titled, What happened to the Red Sox?, and I knew it would be too good to pass up. It was certain to be rife with Mayan prophecy and criticism of Adrian Gonzalez which I never fail to find interesting.

Let's have some fun with Dan Shaughnessy's doom and gloom . . .


 The Red Sox are a trainwreck [sic].

There is no better train-wreck in cinematic history than the one given to us by the creators of The Fugitive with Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones. Actually I can't substantiate that claim. Fugitive was the first film with a train-wreck to pop into my head. It occurred in Chicago. Not Boston. But Tommy Lee Jones went to Harvard . . . which really doesn't matter.

It’s about the third-highest payroll in baseball and not a single playoff game victory since 2008.

The precise date of the Red Sox last win was October 18th, 2008. On this date Nickleback had the only "rock" song in the Billboard 100. This does not make the Red Sox "Nickleback sympathizers" and lovers of all that is douchey in music . . . unless we pretend it does.

It’s about a franchise that has become a parody of itself, led by an ownership group that has lost all sense of accountability.  

I fackin' love parodies and yar outta yar fackin' tree if you don't appreciate a gawd damn pissah of a parody about ow-a Sawx. Accountability. Fackin accountability!

The last-place Red Sox are 43-43 at the All-Star break.

Wait a minute. Doom and gloom over a .500 record at the All-Star break? What the fuck is wrong with Shaughnessy?

Josh Beckett and Jon Lester should be embarrassed. They have come back from the disgrace of September 2011 and done almost nothing.  

I will cut these guys some slack/ Until we bring beer and fried chicken buckets back! And Josh Beckett won the last Red Sox playoff game on October 18th, 2008. Hello? Nickleback?!

Adrian Gonzalez? Six homers at the break. An OBP of .329, with 64 strikeouts and only 23 walks? All this for the bargain price of $154 million? Gonzo has been part of two of the worst collapses in hardball history over the last two Septembers and I’m beginning to think this is not bad luck.

Oh, Adrian. Mopey Adrian. The idea of pinning two September collapses on Adrian Gonzalez is patently absurd. But far be it from me to stop Dan Shaughnessy from doing it. This is what I came for, Dan. Thanks for delivering.

Now Crawford tells us that he eventually will need surgery on the ulnar collateral ligament in his throwing elbow.

Now it's elbow issues for Carl Crawford? I bet he wants to shoot himself in the face over all of these injuries.

Why wait? This is a lost season and it’s not like Carl had any impact last year. There’s no sense rushing to get back to hop aboard this southbound train.

The second best train-wreck in cinematic history occurs in M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable. I can't substantiate this either I just really liked the film. And it popped into my head second.

Excellent work bringing the train metaphor full circle. Around the train-track of life. So to speak.

Happy All-Star break.

Dan Shaughnessy: "You Suck San Diego!"

I'm wicked bloated.....and red faced as all fockin' hell. Too many Irish Cahh Bahmbs after the clinchuh against those fruitcakes from Anaheim...or Los Angeles...where evuh.

I usually covuh the Red Saux but since we're playin' those queeuhs from San Diego this week I thought I'd recycle some old material from my best selling book, The Curse of the Bambino, to accurately convey what I, along with my fellow New Englanduhs, think of anything related to those powduh blue wearin' homos.

Allow me to quote myself, from my Pulitzuh award winning masterpiece of prose:

...ehem...ehem....

"Red Sox Fans care. That's what makes the Baseball saga irresistible and eternal. Other professional ball clubs fail to win championships, although none has teased like Boston's Olde Towne Team. There's nothing special about the annual flops of the Seattle Mariners and the San Diego Padres, because there is no baseball tradition in those towns and because nobody really cares. It's different with Boston and the Red Sox."

HTP: Hey....We thought that....

DS: Shut up queeuh! I'd be remiss if I did not also mention the following...ehem...

" New England was the first area of America that was truly "finished," so it follows that the oldest game should have the most appeal in this region. In Texas it's established that the only two sports are football and spring football.......and folks in California simply gravitate toward whichever team is currently winning."

HTP: Cut off that shanty Irishman's Aquafina and get him out of here!

Sorry folks we were led to believe that Mr. Shaughnessy was going to be doing a dissertation on the blogosphere, the decreased circulation of dailies and how hack writers, like HATETHEPATRIOTS, mutilate the English language on an hourly basis. We thought we might learn something, a writer's workshop of sorts, and then....booyahh.....ambushed by an Elitist writer from the Boston Globe!

The opinion of east coast writers, major sports networks and fans alike......You Suck San Diego! You're a Joke! (Don't Shoot the messenger because you don't like the message)

On October 12th at 5:15 pm you'll see a 70,000 strong frenzy of Avengers.....who are no joke! The calamity that was perpetrated by some New England Patriot players at the center of Jack Murphy Field on January 14th, 2007 will be avenged...in no uncertain terms.....it must be avenged.

addendum:

Regarding the most recent Adam "Pac Man" Jones incident we must weigh-in.......we weigh 245lbs (beefy) and it's only going to increase after we slit Bill B's throat Sunday morning and mao pig all day long in Section P3.....oh yah, PacMan's an idiot!

Chef..... could you bring the EVACUATION Powder mix for the following week...please.