The Ship is Taking Water; & Kassim Osgood...You are no All Black

We'll use a little Rugby analogy to explain the Chargers' current defensive deficiencies. Long ago we listened to a Springbok (James Small possibly), renowned for their hard uncompromising defense, discuss the easy time he thought his national team would have against their opponent because of the following colorful descriptor:

"They tackle like castrated bulls!"

No Balls! Tackling takes commitment and ...balls!

When a team tackles as poorly as the Chargers it is a simple case of individuals lacking HEART.

When a team is penalized as frequently as the Chargers it is a simple case of poor
COACHING.

Our offense is fun to watch and Phillip Rivers improves with every game but it just isn't sustainable to ask them to score on every possession. This season has become an unbearable nightmare and has only served as an addendum to the Torture that is being a San Diego Sports Fan. We won't concede the division just yet but there is little reason to believe that future offensive coordinators will fail to exploit the gaping holes in our defense. We will continue to see "death by paper cut" as QBs pick us apart underneath and in between the soft spots of our JOKE of a zone defense.

F.Y.I. Norv and Ted---Death by paper cut.....IS STILL DEATH! Fire Cottrell and let Ron Rivera employ a bit of the ol' 46 Buddy Ryan defense he learned back in 1985 with the Monsters of The Midway! We hate talking Xs and Os but it must be done...to borrow a British Phrase: Ted Cottrell is a useless CUNT! He's not the only useless cunt out there either...

• Igor OlNoShownsky.....Super Human Strength? Super Useless Cunt...CUT HIM!

• Luis "No Show" Castillo....You interview like a guy from Northwestern...and unfortunately play like a guy from...well, Northwestern! How did you get that contract extension?

• Marques Harris......Why? Why on God's Green Earth are you pumping your fist like a champion after tackling a guy who just picked up a Sproles fumble......?

• Antoine Applewhite.....Cut your hair, you aren't the Predator! And if you're going to take a late hit on Brees at least put him out of the game! Chump!

• Eric Weddle....It's always been said that you aren't that impressive to look at but you just play football. No, you're not at all impressive to look at and you can't tackle or cover for shit!

• Matt Wilhelm....Didn't AJ let go of Donnie Edwards because he made tackles down field instead of going forward? Matt Wilhelm out of THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY can barely even make the tackle down the field....keep that incognito beard goin' and you might dodge a skeptical public.

• Antonio Cromartie....This guy is a complete joke. How can you be that fast and get used like a clean-up towel....every single game? Trade him and let Cason take his spot. Antonio Cromartie is a CHUMP!

Here's to you...Ye All Castrated Bulls!

NEWS FLASH: You don't have Shawne Merriman.......nor does any other team in the NFL! If other teams can put pressure on the QB w/o SM then you sure as shit better be able to also!

My special condemnation comes for another player though....a player who I lauded on two previous occasions during the game for stellar special teams play. Kassim Osgood was the BIGGEST FOOL IN WEMBLEY STADIUM on Sunday night. He had the nerve to try and jump over two Saint blockers, pre Fosbery Flop style, take no part in the eventual tackle and then ran to the sideline to celebrate....all while we were losing the game! While what he celebrated was ridiculous, how he celebrated was asinine and beyond disrespectful.....Osgood tried to do a Maori Haka.....in England?

Mr. Osgood:

The Haka is a challenge between warriors before going into battle. It is an offer of respect but above all, a challenge, one in which the gauntlet is laid down and in all likelihood these warriors will not live to the end of the battle. It also serves the purpose of whipping the Maori warriors (team) into a frenzy so they can begin battle. The Maori Haka also tells of using your cunning to survive and cheat death.......Doing the Haka to celebrate something you did makes no sense and to have done it in England makes even less sense. You're an idiot!

"Ka Mate"

Leader:	Ringa pakia!		Slap the hands against the thighs!
	Uma tiraha!		Puff out the chest!
	Turi whatia!		Bend the knees!
	Hope whai ake!		Let the hip follow!
	Waewae takahia kia kino!		Stamp the feet as hard as you can!
Leader:	Ka mate, ka mate		'I die, I die,
Team:	Ka ora' Ka ora'		'I live, 'I live,
Leader:	Ka mate, ka mate		'I die, 'I die
Team:	Ka ora Ka ora "		'I live, 'I live,
All:	Tēnei te tangata pūhuruhuru		This is the hairy man
	Nāna i tiki mai whakawhiti te rā		...Who caused the sun to shine again for me
	Upane... Upane		Up the ladder, Up the ladder
	Upane Kaupane"		Up to the top
	Whiti te rā,!		The sun shines!
	He!		He!

When tackling.....use shoulders and arms to wrap up your opponent and take him to the ground. We're sure that the Webb Ellis Cup winning back row of Neil Back, Lawrence Dallaglio, and Richard Hill would have offered up their expertise during this past week for a nominal fee....of course that would have required coaches to have made decisions and....coached. What a novel idea.

Well coached teams are not penalized as much as we are. We always dog the Raiders for their numerous penalties and offer up that the problem is systemic in nature.

Shake up the tree!

Even if the Donkeys suck they still are, with the head-to-head win against us, two games up on us.

How will we catch 'em if we don't create turnovers and also allow QBs to short game us to death? Make a change or the season could be lost......let's not die by paper cut.....If this is our Haka, where we know death is imminent, let's actually fight....and die due to hemorrhaging if we must.....

God Save The Bolts...

This game in London is a complete JOKE!!! Let us explain....

When people in the U.S. say that they dislike baseball it is always the stock answer: BORING! They will go on to say that they follow football because it is fast paced and exciting, so much more so than that wretchedly boring game of......baseball....

But in trying to market OUR game on BRITISH soil we must be mindful of viewing that concept through the appropriate lens: that of a BRITISH sports fan. If the savvy marketer, Roger Goodell, takes that approach he will find that this is a failing endeavor no matter which team he sends to Ol' Blighty, this year or any year. Unfortunately, in 2008 the Chargers are one of the teams that have been asked to bend over by the good commissioner's office.

On the British Sports fan:

These spectators already love FOOTBALL. The game that is actually played with the foot, right and left, which causes the following quandary as put forth by exchange student classmate, Leonitas "Ollie" Oleranshaw, back in 1997:

"Ah doon't get it...wha doon't yajus call it HandEgg? Ya doon't use yer feet n it looks like an egg."

See Goodell...you could have got that market research for free. British fans doon't get it.

There is, however, an even bigger problem......Soccer and Rugby are both played with a running clock with no commercial interruption. They also have short halftimes that spare the spectators unbearable medleys by Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith along with Nelly, one of the Simpson girls and whoever else is the hot artist of the time. This all ensures that the game will end approximately 1hr and 35min after it begins.

Gridiron Football, with team timeouts, TV timeouts, halftime shows, instant replay, coaching shenanigans, etc., is essentially the slowest moving game of action on Earth! It's still better than soccer for myriad reasons but perhaps no better reason than the accepted notion that a tie is a good thing......but football drags on through the Euro Fan's lens, and with commercial interruption it is something that Euro just can't contend with. In addition, Rugby player plays with minimal padding so they just tend to think we Sepos are a bunch of Puffs with our helmets and massive Mad Max/Road Warrior shoulder pads. How do you expect to have a proper punch up with all of that padding?



Stuff like that can't happen with helmets! Good ol' Michael Brial.....a big hard man.

It is pure hubris to think that we can get Great Britain to buy our game. Whatever.... we feel worse for the Saints....this was supposed to be one of their home games. If we can take this game and then win our home games we'll make it in to the playoffs, so tomorrow we say, ".... get us to 4-4 and the much needed bye week."

We're out of the score prediction business but we'll have it noted for the record:

• We're 0-3 wearing the Powder Blue Throwback Merriman 56 Jersey
• We're 0-1 wearing the Random Charger Football T-shirt
• We're 3-0 wearing the Away White Phillip Rivers 17 Jersey
  

It shouldn't be a surprise which Jersey we will wear for the remainder of the year. There is resounding confidence in that little personal statistic.....coupled with the fact that Reggie Bush has a torn meniscus.....

~Hail Mary Full of Grace~

Almost Famous?

Last week we discussed the HATETHEPATRIOTS blog being mentioned by the Scott & B.R. Show on XX1090 during our friend Zino's weekly Top 10 radio spot. Zino mentioned our zeal for loathing the Patriots but failed to call us by name, to our dismay.

No worries though! Scott and B.R. had heard of us......no doubt, through the full on barrage of propaganda emails we had been shooting their way. Upon first listen we felt as though the morning fellas were quite annoyed by our existence.....until we received an mp3 of Zino's Top 10 Reasons The Chargers Creamed The Patriots.
Listen closely at the 1 minute mark when Scott and B.R. mention they know who we are:

upon further review

We Sense Approval!

You'll have to be the Judge. CLICK HERE for the Scott & B.R. Show audio clip.

Off Topic:

Thankfully the Donkeys Suck!

And.....

Did anyone see Mark Grace on the World Series pregame coverage by Fox? This guy belongs strictly on radio talking to Jim Rome about bangin' Slumpbusters! He was so uncomfortable and fidgety with spastic hands that we thought it was comedian Louis Black:

Cut down on the coffee Gracey....or the amphetamines for Christ's Sake! You
aren't playin' ball anymore!

Considering our brush with Hank Bauer after the Boston Massacre of September 16th , 2007 and then our brief email correspondence with Ed Hochuli and now a round-about reference on a sports radio talk show at 5:45 am we're ready to proclaim that, in the words of Cameron Crowe, we're Almost Famous:

WE ARE GOLDEN GODS!

(actually not a quote by Cameron Crowe....but it was the title of his autobiographic film as a Rolling Stone Journalist....why quibble over a minor detail?)

Thank You....New England Patriots:)

"Unfortunate Circumstances Have Rendered Us Reluctant Patriots"-The Avenger Billy Bardy

We received this text and it couldn't have rang more true: these haters had to embrace their mortal enemies on this Monday night. We were glad to see that the bludgeoning at the hands of the Lightning Bolts was enough to set those Pats straight. A Bronco loss we needed and a Bronco loss we got. Despite the disdain we direct towards New England this match up was a no- brainer in another way as well. We'll call it the "retarded little hillbilly factor". Look at this clown Cutler on The Best Damn Sports Show and his comments on Phillip Rivers:



I'd say that these comments make Cutler look like a tool.....but it's his haircut that takes care of that. That good ol' boy's gonna get wrecked on December 27th. That will be the game that decides who wins the AFC West with an 8-8 record. We'll take it if we can get it.

Patriots: We were glad to kick your ass so that it could help you beat the Donkeys....anytime!

In Politics:

Declare Yourself

The Founding Fathers are revered for their intellect and foresight. They warned us against the formation of factions (political parties) as being divisive......yet we fully endorse a two party system where election dialogue is only open between those with money......influence is bought up by the millions and the media covers it lock-stock.......

During the primaries there was only one candidate who ever discussed monetary policy, banking and the Fed, the IRS, and a shift from our current foreign policy which is driving our country into the ground. Yet, now when his concerns seem to be most validated there is no recognition of his ideas and we find that the train keeps a movin' unabated.....without questions from the media or any of the major talking heads.

Why have we no questions? Why have we submitted to this tyrannical rule of the ineffectual few?

The Tortured San Diego Fan Experience...alive and well

We mentioned earlier this week that the HATE was a promotional tool to hype the game that would be not only critical to our season but would serve as a mode of vengeance for fellow San Diego Fans.

After the victory we started a new blog, one that does not give so much credit to the New England Patriots but instead tells who we are as San Diego Fans. We decided to continue posting at this address until the end of the season at which point we will go full time to our new address. In light (no pun intended) of what happened in Orchard Park, NY this morning we think that it is the perfect time to unveil the name of our new site:

THE TORTURED SAN DIEGO FAN EXPERIENCE
www.torturedsandiegofan.blogspot.com

Perfect name when you consider the continued slide of a team that was near the upper echelon of SuperBowl contenders at the beginning of this season. Such is the life of a San Diego Sports Fan. Where to begin?

That there is a kid's radio adorned with a Charger hat. In the background is a nice plasma television which is airing a commercial for Survivor. There is a break in the action from the Charger/Bills game.....we mean Steelers/Bengals. Yes the big time city of Orchard Park blew a fuse, reportedly from some balloons decorating a generator, and left the world (see: Charger & Bill fans) to scramble for alternatives. We found refuge with the Rock 105.3 team of Josh Lewin and Hank Bauer and it was a cool switch (pun intended). Although, if you take a look at my arm.......it IS the antenna! No amount of MacGuyver-ing could get it listening operationally like that of my arm simply squeezing the base of what was once the radio's antenna. Yes, my shoulder is tired. Before the live television feed returned...to ruin our day...we made some innocuous observations:

Best Radio Lines of the day:

"We think there is SOMEWHERE around 2:30 left in the quarter."--Josh Lewin

(That line was interchanged with many other pieces of time...we thought it to be funny.....never heard it mentioned during a game before today)

"That's like Billy Bardy tryin' to cover Manute Bol"-Hank Bauer

Describing the height mismatch between Bolts WR Malcolm Floyd and an obviously vertically challenged Bill CB.....all the more funny (to me) when you consider that a friend was challenged to a fight last year after the Padres/Red Sox series (game #2-the CY shutout) by a man who referred to my friend as.....Billy Bardy....on account of his height....Al, hopefully you understood the reference this time if you were listening on the radio....and you don't look like that little bastard :)

Interesting Texts During Blackout:

• Buffalo must have got hit with a lightning Bolt!
  

• How in 2008 does a fucking stadium have power issues? Is Buffalo in Russia?

• I blame George Bush for the power outage.

• ChargersaheadOOOOyea (very short lived sentiment)

• Disgusting (oh...that was at the end of the game)

Texts Courtesy of:

1. Bolt Fan in Donkey Land;
   
2. No I'm not joking.......and stop calling me Shirley;
   
3. Tortured Father......
4. Bolt Fan in Donkey Land...again!

Cheers Gentlemen....Where were the rest of you?

Back to the game and our requested recipe for disaster:

We suggested an egg-white omelet (i.e. scramble Trent Edwards Brain again).....mmmm......the guy carved us to pieces like Cecil the Butcher!

Win the turnover battle...mmmm....lost that badly...0-3.

We'll point to one sequence in the beginning of the fourth quarter which best describes 2008:

1st Down--15 yrd completion to Vincent Jackson
1st Down--Run
2nd Down--Run
3rd Down--Run
4th Down--Punt
...and so it goes.

We now fly to a part of the world that cannot comprehend why we play a game with our hands yet insist on calling it "FOOT"BALL. Do these sound like people who can be converted? Good move Goodell!

We have that London Debacle that awaits us and then two more trips to the EST, which obviously is an impossibility for us to win in. If the Broncos begin a free-fall we can catch 'em on December 27th and win the division at 8-8. Ahhhhh.....,the torture, that is being a San Diego Sports Fan......perhaps as a tortured group, the following should be our new blog logo:

Either this, or we can just altogether begin blogging about politics, the 2008 Vote, and how, to paraphrase Tyler Durden:

"Obama and McCain are just polishing the brass on the Titanic...it's all goin' down man."

We applaud your efforts, "to get out the vote", Ms. Alba and we concur with the sentiment: Censorship Is Un-American!.....Only You can silence yourself!.......We Enjoy the photos, they are Very tasteful!

As currently constituted.....two choices aren't much more than one.

If you're disaffected with your lack of choice then you should still vote......as a MEASURE OF PROTEST! It's the Patriotic thing to do!

Speaking of Patriotism...or The Patriot Act anyway.......watching the Chargers is like being water-boarded each Sunday......we might have to focus on another avenue of torture.....The 2008 Election....arghh...it seems like an epoch gone past since the hoopla began......

Stay Tuned!

From the Literal to the Figurative...

From last week's literal Killing of Bill:

To this week's much needed, figurative, killing of the the BILLS (tatanka):

The team from Orchard Park has the following:

• A nice little record (4-1)
  
• An O-Line that averages 332 lbs. per man and a good runner, Marshawn Lynch
  
• A quarterback whose brains were scrambled like egg-whites by the AZ Cardinals
• An injured DE and CB
  
• Four Big Ghosts that haunt their Stadium and City
  

What does this mean for the Chargers?

We suggest the Egg-White omelet! Get after Trent Edwards and we should be o.k.. Easier said than done but we offer the following statistic:

The Chargers are 3rd in the league in Turnover differential (+4) and the Bills are approximately 27th (-4). We don't have time to break down film here, so we'll settle on that tidbit as turnovers are always a good indicator of who wins.

Come out strong with a Full Bucket of Passion, just like the Pats game! Attack through the air and get an early lead and we'll get the elusive Three Time Zone win. If we get down early we're FUCT!

Marshawn Lynch + Andre Giant type o-line = Long Day

Get the Fast start and we'll survive leg one of the Trip 'Round the World.

CHARGERS 29

BILLS 17

Express Yourself Through Haiku

Back on August 16th we were critical of Bill Belichick's plans to bring in aging safety John Lynch as a part of his new "Super Genius" position of Hybrid Linebacker ( a safety playing the position). We thought it was a bit arrogant and agreed with Colin Cowherd of ESPN Radio when he said that it was a clear example of BB buying into his own hype: the idea that he was so clever he could do anything!

The folly of the idea was proven when Lynch was continually exploited and ultimately cut from the roster. We mention it now for the following reason: our post elicited, of all things, haiku poems about John Lynch (see below).

Anonymous said...

John Lynch: A Haiku

John lynch was Samson
breaking down men like pillars
The Pats cut his hair

My reaction: A Haiku

I cry a dry tear
a great hero has fallen
wicked retahdid

We enjoyed the Haiku poetry so much that we thought all who attended the October 12th, 2008 game between the Chargers and Patriots should summarize their experience in the 5 syllable/7 syllable/5 syllable format. Encapsulate your experience in haiku....here's how we felt:

The Tailgate: A Haiku

Little Bill Slaughtered
Hasty decapitation
A lord of the Flies?

The Big Game: A Haiku

Genius Belichick
No Answer For The "Legend"
So Flows Our Rivers

Feel free to give a more detailed account of your experience by clicking on the comment link beneath the article.........haiku will save you time though!