Hate For The Humpday: Belichick Edition

This week's candidate for quantifiable mid-week hate is New England Patriots Head Cock In Charge, Bill Belichick.

The 4th and 2 play call from his own 28 yard line when he had the lead was ballsy and completely foolish. BB made this call with zero timeouts in his hip pocket, meaning he failed to properly manage the game down the stretch. Without a TO to spare he put his team in the unenviable position of hoping that they did not find themselves in need of a replay challenge......Bill, Bill, Bill, you were on the wrong side of the 2-minute warning!

I often lament the conservative nature that coaches take from week to week. The line between winning and losing in the NFL is so fine that coaches dare not take a chance lest it cost their teams a victory and ultimately their own employment. NFL coaches all too often appear fine with losing as long as they played it by the book and didn't take the sort of risk* that would warrant scorn from the punditry. Because I hate that conservative approach there is a small part of me that respects BB for doing something bold.....and I like the decision even more because it meant a loss for the New England Patriots. So if I'm happy because of BB's call then does that nullify the Hate for this Humpday? Hell no.....

Hate Bill Belichick for no other reason than his overwhelming hubris......HE WAS ON THE FUCKING 28 yard LINE! HIS OWN FUCKING 28 yard LINE! NOT THE COLTS 28 yard LINE! HIS OWN 28 yard line!

Hate him because he's a BOOB.....

* See: Couglin, Tom and Reid, Andy.

In the last two weeks against the Chargers these two coaches took ultra conservative positions when faced with going for it on 4th down inside the two or kicking the FG. THAT's WHEN YOU GO FOR IT. Neither coach went for it though. Both teams lost. Scorn from the punditry ensued.

Vencie Says: tellin' it the way it is, each and every week

Vencie Glenn on Philip Rivers' Awesomeness:
"Last week he took a game winning drive and went down and scored. This week he took the ball with 6 minutes and kept the other team from getting the ball back. That is a sign of a QB that is maturing and understands his role and where his team is."

On Next Week's Opponent, Bronco back-up QB Chris Simms, and his lack of Awesomeness:
"PR's gonna give you 28 every game. He gonna give you 28 every game. Simms will not get you 28. He won't even get you 14."

On Bill Belichick's gamble to go for it on 4th down, with a lead, on the Patriots' 30 yard line...against Peyton Manning:
"I just think you take yourself way too serious as a head coach. I just think that was a personal call, had nothing to do with your team trying to win the game, I think he wanted to prove a point, and it backfired and rightfully so it should have and he should be embarrassed."

Vencie Glenn spared Antonio Cromartie this week, but as always, he pulled no punches.

Awwww, Crap: Denver Broncos are 5-0

For More: The Denver Post

MEMO
To: Antonio Cromartie
From: Brandon Marshall
Date: Right after we shocked New England in OT
Re: The stiff-arm I'm going to give you if you try and tackle me like a girl

The Voodoo didn't quite work in regards to the Denver Broncos/New England Patriots game and that's on me, small miscalculation. In properly calibrating Voodoo one must always factor who the evil is being directed at. While under ordinary circumstances requesting a Donkey loss due to Josh McDaniels zipping up his nuts in pre-game is more than reasonable I erred in my evaluation of the total request. Bill Belichick is evil incarnate so asking Voodoo to act in conjunction with his vile persona actually nullifies said Voodoo. Like I said....my bad.

Denver has me worried. They seem to actually be good. After the Chargers performance in Pittsburgh, the Bolts have me worried. They seem to actually be bad. A recipe for disaster? Let's take a look at Denver's schedule:

They've got a tough schedule remaining. Traveling to Baltimore, Indy, and Philly is not easy. Taking on Pittsburgh and the G-Men at home, muy dificil. I would even say that going to Washington following physical games at Baltimore and then home against the Steelers is a miserable stretch of games. Not to mention they have to play us twice. They're good but they'll be challenged down the stretch.

How about the Chargers' schedule:

Easier because we've already played Baltimore and Pitt. G-Men in NY is no good but we get the Eagles at home. Bengals have been playing well but they've got to come here and then the Titans and Redskins both suck and they'll be playing for nothing, on and after Jesus' birthday.

Of course it's all moot if we don't start playing defense. The Broncos have defense.

Back to Voodoo. I threw it down on Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne and while Manning blew up, the preponderance of FF points went to the little white receiver whose wife quizzes him on the playbook each night before he goes to bed (maybe I should pick that fella up on waivers---what was his name?). So the Big Two were held in check.......did you see Reggie Wayne drop that easy pass in the end zone? Voodoo. The Tila Tequila Choke Slam is climbin' the charts.

On another note: there are some really crappy teams in the NFL this year. Even teams that are crappy are blowing teams out. My pick 'em leagues are not going well.

An Odyssey Yields Riches

We haven't properly hated on the New England Patriots in a while so enjoy the following, courtesy of Sports Illustrated.com:

It's the Grinch's birthday. Happy B-Day you s.o.b.!
Editor's Note: (Friday 7:00AM)
Don't know EXACTLY how Twitter Works but apparently our site is on the Twitter page for "Patriot News".....which is fairly funny.....we thinks:

Yes Patriot Fans....Click the link to find that it's Belichick's Birthday.....and that we hate you!

Oh, the things you come across when you're searching for a picture of the idiot Mets fan who interfered with a ball in play and cost his team a run...we thank you on multiple levels....a Padre win and an opportunity to see what an NFL Draft for Cheerleaders would look like....

Cheerleader Draft 2009
[Jock and Balls]

....and then, one link beget another link, and just like the six degrees of Kevin Bacon we were directed to the happiest place on earth.

Your April Fools

Rather than plan some convoluted prank, whereby a three way trade occurs involving Jamarcus Russell/Jay Cutler/Matt Cassel, followed by uproariously heckling you to death for being a dimwitted sucka....we'll go ahead and merely present you with a potpourri of ninnies, donkeys, and chowder heads. We begin with an ode to Mrs. C (lucky Follower #13) who despises to no end the "Errand Boy of Giselle"....

One forever tarnished his image to achieve the slightest of advantages....an advantage his team probably did not need. The other poses for magazine layouts....do we even need to elaborate...look at this guy....how much more money does a human need?

Cutler is banging the drum to bolt Denver, A-Rod's banging Madonna and these are just both foolish choices. Cutler will wind up in Detroit where homes are going for $17k and Madonna was touched by Dennis Rodman (do the six degrees deal and A-Rod's in danger of acquiring a lifelong downstairs neighbor......and his ex-wife is going to take most of his money......and he's on the DL......and he won't be going to the Hall of Fame......foolish).

If you wanted people to cower in the wake of your Patriotism you could have gone with the lapel flag pin.

Foolish choices gentlemen. Foolish indeed. A jersey can last a lifetime too, ya just gotta take care of it.

Your April's Fools...

Passion Overfloweth: More Patriot Hate E-Mail

Don't feel bad....you're not the only one who wants Bill Belichick dead! So does Sawyer and Pittsburgh Steelers Blog, One For The Other Thumb.

If you can stomach the fact that its author is reveling in two Super Bowl victories over the last four years we encourage you to check it out. Very in-depth commentary/analysis and ridiculously adept at Photo-Shop.
[One for the Other Thumb]

Here's another addition of Patriot Hate E-Mail. Our #1 critic has been conspicuously absent from my email in-box.......so here are some jousts from a few weeks back.

Tom's BC (a mutually agreed upon alias)

Jack Murphy's Avengers, LMFAO, they should ban that dump, it's never produced one winner. Look, I have no problem with jumping on a cause and getting passionate about it, but for fuck sakes man, your city needs to actually win something at least once every 25, 35 or 45 years??? San Diego is LOSERVILLE in sports, your pathetic fan base cannot even sellout the home opener or even a (LMFAO) ever so rare, playoff game. But don't worry, if the AFC West wasn't a completely fraudulant, crap division, your overrated, WHINYASS, PUNKASS team would have never made the playoffs u DBAG. [sic]

A.I.Chief : Your Friendly Blog Admin.
FYI-I actually can't control whether our teams win or lose. I'm also unable to control who shows up to games. And while I can't argue that the AFC West was horribly shocking this year, you should really look in the mirror and accept an indisputable truth: In sixteen games the Chargers looked good precisely three times....two of those times were when they mopped the floor with AFC East teams....Front-Runner.

Of course you can't control whether your teams win or not or who shows up, Captain Obvious but that doesn't change the fact that SD is the 2cnd worst sports city in the US (MSN poll from 2008, look it up). Now your showing your typical Dolts sissy powder blue colors, you go be proud of that early regular season win, if that makes you feel all warm and cozy about your whiny, overrated Dolts. See, here's the difference between the Patriots and the Dolts, the Dolts get all worked up over wins like that and the Pats are only satisfied with winning Super Bowls. Dude, just compare HC's, Pats have BB, the single greatest footbal mind in the league and the BEST coach the in the NFL, ever. Show me another coach that's won 3 SB's in the salary cap era, I'll save you the work, there are none. Meanwhile the head Dolt is a NOOOOOORV, case closed. I will taunt you as long as you keep this pathetic site up you DBAG. [sic]

I see you're still using your same ol' material (2008 MSN Poll) to try and validate yourself while condemning SD. Why would someone need validation when their city's teams have been essentially dominating the sports landscape over the last eight years? Captain obvious says, "Yer a poser!". You jumped on the bandwagon late and in a sport obsessed city of Boston you have to try and one-up the other die-hards. I get it. Surprised though as I thought you would have taken a day off after your Celts dropped ANOTHER game to an LA team. You probably weren't aware of it though, because you are a poser. Oh yea that's right just a meaningless reg. season game. The Oct 12th meeting btwn. the Bolts and Cheats was meaningless, agreed, until.....you missed the playoffs by a margin of one game. The site's not going anywhere. It's astonishing how many people hate the Patriots and their fans. I met a lot of guys like you when I went to Foxborough. They talk extraordinarily tough but in the end its just talk.. "Fack you, you fackin' powdah blue wearin' quee-uhs. Yar Chah-juhs kan't hold the Pats' fackin' jawk-strap. Ahh Coach is a Gawd. Ahh QB is a Gawd. and Giselle is a Gawdess!? You ARE the personification of the Bahhston caricature. Keep it comin', Clown

Good times with hate banter. This is a relationship that needs special care and attention.

Do you remember what this Patriot cheerleader was fired for?

Patriots 'Franchise' Cassel

It is our job to keep up with the goings-on of our competition and while the Steelers are the team that hoisted the trophy we mustn't forget the prospects of a New England team with a healthy Tom Brady at the helm....and don't forget the highest paid back up QB in history: Matt Cassel out of USC.

What does it mean to slap the non-exclusive franchise tag on a player? Excellent question...let's find out!

Click Here for link to Boston Globe article. Read below for the most relevant excerpt of article:

"If no market generates, the Patriots could have the most expensive backup in the NFL, paying Cassel more than Brady is scheduled to earn in 2009.

Brady, who is rehabilitating from a serious left knee injury that knocked him out of the 2008 season on the 15th offensive play, is due a base salary of $5 million and a bonus of $3 million. Brady's salary cap charge in 2009, due to the acceleration of past bonuses, is $14.6 million.

In the event a trade market does not develop, the Patriots would be tying up $29.2 million of their approximately $123 million salary cap on two players. That runs counter to the philosophy that has helped the Patriots thrive this decade, spreading the wealth to more players, and could handcuff other moves, such as signing nose tackle Vince Wilfork to an extension."

We read the above excerpt and found exactly what we wanted to hear....the Pats are doing something that does not jibe with past front office decision making....we likes! Belichick is no dope though, so we'll have to stay tuned.

Dear Patriot Tears #23

"Yeah, I'd much rather watch 8-8 Arizona or 8-8 San Diego than the Pats, whose brilliant coach once again showed why he is light years ahead of every one of his peers, by punting on third down and calling timeouts in the first quarter, with the wind at his back. Think any other pro coach would have gotten 11 wins if his MVP QB went down in Week 1? Not Dungy, not Tomlin, not any of them. Belichick is the greatest coach of all time, and I'm proud to be a Pats fan because of him."

Posted by RAY G December 28, 08 07:46 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

The Chargers blew the Patriots out so stop the comparisons. Belichick is a genius....he seems most capable at Positioning his team and himself perfectly at every turn.....plus he's been on Jeopardy...only Deities make it there.

Dear Patriot Tears #17

"We've got absolutely nothing to hang our heads over. Thanks, Matt Cassel, Junior, Rosie, and everybody who helped make it to the end of the season. Mr. Belichick, you're the best."

Posted by Larry Thomas December 28, 08 07:45 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Yes, Mr. Belichick, you are the best. It's the only explanation for you being the question to one of the answers on Jeopardy.....cue tears..

Enjoy your Hate.... (Simon On Sports)

Dear Patriot Tears #7

"NFL is a crock....letting teams in with a 500 record, really makes the playoffs more exciting, right?"

Posted by Don December 28, 08 07:39 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

There is only one crock...and this is not a cute little play on words...ahem, the only crock is the one I was eating chili out of whilst watching the Chargers edge the Colts in the Wildcard round...and GOD, is that an awesome "photoshop" job to the left there.

Dear Patriot Tears #4

"This is another example of how professional sports get things wrong when it comes to the playoffs.

Does anyone remember the last time the Bruins won a playoff series? They beat Carolina who were a three seed but they were the 8TH best team in the conference. How about the 103 win Giants not going to the playoffs in the pre-wild card era? Even though I am a fan of Atlanta and they played well against the Celtics, they did not deserve to be there last year. How about the Whalers not making it with 80+ points in the late 80s and Toronto making it with 56?

I live in Denver and I am praying that SD wins. If an 8-8 team makes it, I'd rather it not be the Broncos because their fans are losers. They are WORSE than Yankee fans.

All sports need to scrap these divisions for determining playoff positions. Top six or eight, depending on the league per conference should go regardless of the division. You have even the Jets at 9-7 sitting out and a possible 8-8 team getting in."

Posted by Harv December 28, 08 07:38 PM

Dear Patriot Tears

We'll concede that Bronco fans are losers but letting in more teams to the playoffs because pf an anomaly is foolish...and your argument loses steam when you mention two teams (Pats and Jets) who you think should get in but they were in fact smashed by the 8-8 team (Bolts). Thanks though...your tears are re-hydrating us!

The Axe has been Wielded

Didn't even see it coming. Shanahan fired two days after the sort of collapse that hadn't happened since 1967 when conferences went to divisional play. Doesn't seem fair...didn't Shanahan do an excellent job with what he had? He was down to his 8th tailback of the season and what do you expect when your defense is that porous? Just ask Cutler, he'll let you know what he thinks of the D. This really falls on the shoulders of the Denver Broncos General Manager...and there in lies the problem.

Mike Shanahan is also the team's General Manager therefore all deficiencies in personnel are his responsibility. Hard to believe that the wind blown Irishmen is gone but the buck does have to stop somewhere (even after a vote of confidence was given by the owner).

They haven't tasted any real success since Elway finished up---as I was astutely advised by Bronco Fans wearing Bubby Brister and John Elway jerseys this past Sunday evening---I guess on the heels of surrendering 52 points you must hang your hat on something..."Hey how many Super Bowls you got? None! We got two, '98 and '99!"

Yes you do Bronco Fan...yes you do...

It's also interesting to see the other dominoes falling....Romeo Crennel of the Browns and Eric Mangini of the Jets...both Belichick disciples. When the hell (oops) is Notre Dame gonna fire Charlie the Hutt?

Who are some of the "Hot" coaching and GM hires for 2009? None other than Patriots GM Scott Pioli and Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels.

We think it is quite clear that Bill Belichick is the Evil Genius behind the Patriots success...all others are merely figure heads in place to answer questions from the press so that Bill can scheme. Amazing...

Editor's Note:

Charger Fan in Donkey Land just texted the following message..."One broadcaster said last night, Shanahan could go to the Chargers next year."

Unless...Norv runs the table!

Yaw facked with yaw Kahhma tawk...Belichick's a fackin Gawd!

When you go 11-5...and don't make the playoffs...the universe is settling up!

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon youre gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin to do
Its up to you, yeah you

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin at fools like me
Who in the hell dyou think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Evryone come on

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Evryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When youre evrywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun

Festivus for the Rest of Us

(lifted from Deadspin)
1,2--3--4,5
Yep, That's Five Boobs!

Best we could do on short notice. Feel free to solicit a better caption for this picture of Bill Belichick out on the town having fun (think that's his fun face?). We'll add it in if it's solid.

Express Yourself Through Haiku

Back on August 16th we were critical of Bill Belichick's plans to bring in aging safety John Lynch as a part of his new "Super Genius" position of Hybrid Linebacker ( a safety playing the position). We thought it was a bit arrogant and agreed with Colin Cowherd of ESPN Radio when he said that it was a clear example of BB buying into his own hype: the idea that he was so clever he could do anything!

The folly of the idea was proven when Lynch was continually exploited and ultimately cut from the roster. We mention it now for the following reason: our post elicited, of all things, haiku poems about John Lynch (see below).

Anonymous said...

John Lynch: A Haiku

John lynch was Samson
breaking down men like pillars
The Pats cut his hair

My reaction: A Haiku

I cry a dry tear
a great hero has fallen
wicked retahdid

We enjoyed the Haiku poetry so much that we thought all who attended the October 12th, 2008 game between the Chargers and Patriots should summarize their experience in the 5 syllable/7 syllable/5 syllable format. Encapsulate your experience in haiku....here's how we felt:

The Tailgate: A Haiku

Little Bill Slaughtered
Hasty decapitation
A lord of the Flies?

The Big Game: A Haiku

Genius Belichick
No Answer For The "Legend"
So Flows Our Rivers

Feel free to give a more detailed account of your experience by clicking on the comment link beneath the article.........haiku will save you time though!