Cuckoo for Nick Canepa: Analogy predictions

Enough of the serious fate-of-print-media-in-a-digital-world posts. Alright? Let's get Cuckoo for Nick Canepa . . .


Yesterday Nick Canepa wrote a column about Padres pitching and the scarcity of health within the entire staff. A commentary on the wrath of Tommy John and the hold the miserable ex-Dodger has over our youthful arms, so to speak.

The column was good. It was fair. It was inquisitive. Wait . . . let me read it again. No, it was good. Aside from the allusion to farts in Spring Training it did well to mention the rash of arm injuries but also to ask why such arm injuries are occurring. After all, these sorts of things didn't happen in Nick Canepa's day. Pitchers were tougher. Nick Canepa didn't say that. I DID!

Jump inside of my head and play a game I've developed called:

Guess the Nick Canepa Analogy NOW, You Present Day Sissy!

If you've read the column then just go along with my premise. Now the column is about arm injuries suffered by Padres pitchers and carries a title of Armed and Endangered. With so many arms injured and unavailable I read in anticipation of a specific analogy that Canepa would surely make. Something about guns and sharks, maybe!

What do you think?

To my astonished Sunday morning eyes, Nick Canepa passed up a sure fire Cuban Missile Crisis/ Cold War/ Arms Race reference. With both Yonder Alonso and Yasmani Grandal (Cuban exiles) taking the field each day, the wealth of arms drafted in the June Amateur draft, and the failing arms at the big league level an Arms Race analogy seemed like a given.

But I was wrong. Nick Canepa surprised me. Congrats, Nick.

Cuckoo for Canepa Analogy:

Call it the Padres Pitching Pandemic. Historic Injury figures aren't readily available, but it's hard to fathom a major league pitching staff that has suffered such a barrage of various arm maladies, some serious enough to require surgery. Instead of the arms of Krupp, this baseball club has been the arms of Venus de Milo.

A freaking Venus de Milo reference! No arms! Ha ha. Didn't even see that coming.

And what of the reference to "the arms of Krupp"?

It could be argued that the Krupp family (German weapons manufacturer) of the Arms of Krupp was the forefather of the Cold War arms race between Russia and the United States. As such, I shall award myself 4 points.

If you saw the Venus de Milo reference coming then you get the maximum allotted points of 7.5*. Congratulations!

*Don't be dim. 7.5 is the number of columns one can read under the U-T's new pay-wall policy.

Thanks for playing today's edition of Cuckoo for Canepa!

Wild Card Playoff Game: Bolts 'N Colts

Blame Chargers.com for the Logo Flip...For Fuck Sake

The Chargers are underdogs but the spread is low. Pundits like Jay Cutler say that the Colts will have an easy time with us. Both teams are on a roll, 4 and 9 game winning streaks. The Colts have Peyton Manning, the 2008 MVP. The Colts Defense has ONLY ALLOWED 6 TD passes this year. How is that possible?

Philip Rivers however, has 2 TDs against that Colt D this year. Neither team is the same as it was when they first met on November 23rd, when the Colts edged the Bolts 23-20...We contend that the Chargers have made the greater progression, though. So what does this mean?

We could sit here and give you the keys to the game:

1. Three step drops by Philip along with quick slant routes could neutralize their speed rush.
2. Utilizing every facet of our rushing attack:LT, Sproles, Hester, Jackson on the reverse, would be wise as the Colt defense is small and rushes keep Peyton off the field.
3. A blind man could tell us that you have to bring the pressure on Manning or he will dissect your D.
4. Or that our D, which has been improving, must improve even more to win.
5. We must have a positive turnover differential.

We could sit here and tell you those things...but we won't! We're not concerned with "cover 2 schemes", "D-line stunts", or even things such as "tackling"! This grid iron vernacular is obsolete!

We concern ourselves only with other worldly powers at work during our games....remember where lightning comes from, people! Remember the advice of the HTP Sages....our goal is to eliminate suffering....we reflected upon their wisdom and surmise that the phenomena we have witnessed is completely unique, specifically the restoration of karmic balance via the Denver Bronco trouncing of last Sabbath....we are mindful of our actions and how they have affected the San Diego Sports Fan Collective. To that end we have concluded that repetition of action will best eliminate suffering...

....thus we bring you the most consistent of Right Actions, in the form of The Manning de Milo Voodoo doll. It's worked the last two weeks with the Voodoo Snowman and The Denver Donkey Voodoo doll: Little Hillbilly Edition so it is imperative that we continue our winning trend. Stevie Wonder said it best, "Very Superstitious...the writing's on the wall!"

We here at HTP are as superstitious as they come! Where do the roots of superstitious dogma begin, you ask? In the bathroom, in front of the mirror, as a teenager...let me qualify this statement, lest you think this thought is in the gutter. Every young man has a cheesy fuzz mustache at one point in his life...and then POOF...he picks up a razor upon realization that he just really doesn't look good. When we (I) had the epiphany, and shaved off the nonsense, we proceeded to plummet into a deep hitting slump that lasted over a two week span....two things occurred to help us realize what went wrong with our swing.

Firstly we connected the origins of the slump to the inaugural shave and decided from there on out a bit of facial hair was ALWAYS necessary....to provide a little luck! Secondly we decided to wholly accept a given high school nickname by purchasing the particular character's image on a t-shirt. Armed with a tad of scruffy facial hair and a Fox television sitcom T-shirt, we proceeded to bust our slump. It is also worth noting that over a season later that same superstitious tandem was in play when We (I) hit a walk-off Grand Slam to lead our HS team to victory...suppose it is also worth noting that the season finished with a .237 batting average...and the pitcher who served up the gopher ball went on to win a World Series MVP award (No Shit!)...it is neither here nor there...our point is superstition.......today:

1. There is hair on the face...
2. The powder blue Charger towel will be covering the baby...
3. Voodoo Doll #3 is in play...
4. We are still conjuring the Sage Duo of Lama/Alba...

Our current playoff superstition is tantamount to the superstition of Hockey players and their Playoff Beards...

DO NOT FUCK WITH WINNING COMBINATIONS PEOPLE!!!

That being said, we have strategically placed Voodoo Pins in both of Manning's knees. We couldn't be bothered to research which one was surgically repaired so we hit up both and we added the ankle for good measure...those pins are designed to induce slips not injury. We like the 2008 MVP.

We also got the ribs, right above the flack jacket and hit up the shoulder for some interception inducing pain (Cromartie needs all the help he can get). There is also one pin in the forehead which is good for one End Zone Interception...

Upon deciding to give this Voodoo Doll a Greek statue twist, Blue Ballzed.... Otra Vez commented, "But AIC...the Venus De Milo, at one time, had arms. Does it make sense to create as such?"
To which we replied, "...who's to say, that in the future, someone won't say the exact same thing about 2008 NFL MVP, Peyton Manning? Did you think about that Blue...?"

...and so it stands! Peyton Manning is a classy guy and so it is fitting that our hex be shown in a respectful manner...an homage, to a timeless statue, and our 1/8th Greek heritage...cheers, Alexandros of Antioch for an inspiration, two millenia in the making.

No injuries Mr. MVP...only a flurry of poor decisions, may you be befuddled by our vicious San Diego winter!

EDITOR'S NOTE:

We wanted to see Jay Cutler knocked out of the game via our Voodoo induced JUJU!