What Can Brown Do For You?

Early thirty-something sports fan seeks vengeance.

Actively pursuing the prospect of seeing UPS's head on a stick. A big must is someone who can also deliver, in person, the individual in charge of shipping for the Villanova Online Store by 5:47 Pacific Standard Time.

I know what UPS could do for me!

It could stop dispensing with the hollow promises of prompt shipping and actually deliver (both figuratively and literally). News flash for my compadres in brown: we're living in dire economic times so you better begin to adhere to business practices that save your company unwarranted costs. Allow me to offer some free consultation:

1. PEOPLE WORK FOR A LIVING!!!!! Do not deliver packages that require signatures before 3pm.
2. When you leave that little crapola sticker that says you attempted delivery....actually STICK IT TO SOMETHING!!!! I find those stickers out in the rock garden all of the time. How can I contact UPS if I don't see that sticker? Either start using a Costanza approved adhesive that will actually keep the notification in place or offer your drivers a class on "THE UPS WAY: HOW TO APPLY LABELS LIKE A MAN And OTHER MANLY THINGS"
3. When you attempt to deliver a second time........see FREE PIECE OF ADVICE #1!!! We're STILL at work before 3pm!
4. When a customer does call in on a Saturday to arrange pickup.....HOW ABOUT YOU BE THERE!!!! How can you survive in a global market without delivering on Saturdays or having a branch open to serve the public?!!!!!
5. When I call you on Saturday morning and your A-hole Automaton tells me that I can come and pick up my NOVA NATION T-shirt your business should try this:.....let me grab it on MONDAY!!! Why do I have to wait until TUESDAY? The NCAA tournament ends MONDAY, April 6th!
   

An astutely contrived Ad Campaign. The whiteboard simplicity
belies the true brilliance of UPS' visionary quest
to modernize shipping.......Where's my fucking T-shirt?!

UPS......You have completely FUCKED UP MY SHIT and you're costing yourselves time and money by making trips to my home at times when I'm NEVER there!

How can I claim to be a legitimate Villanova fan without one piece of garb? I live in San Diego and I need that T-Shirt! I ordered it 9 days ago approximately 4 minutes after the destruction of Duke and I wanted to wear it at least for tonight's National Semi-final and now, UPS, you're telling me that, should the Wildcats advance, I can't even sport it for the National Championship game on Monday Night? You get a giant F-U-, UPS !

Which brings us to the Villanova Online Store..... I bought a T-shirt that costs $9.95 .....why on earth is a signature required? It could have been slipped under the gate or flung on to the porch but instead, because of your precious little requirements, I have to watch 'Nova/NC in a state of nakedness! You might think the weather is perfect out here but it will cool off substantially by the time of tonight's Tip.....F-U-2!

UPS and the Villanova Online Store:
Your insolence will lead you to the corporate graveyard where all others in this depressed economic era currently have one foot.

Go Nova!