Last weekend my goal was to get our little tailgate caravan to section G3. Godspeed to G3. As J-E-T-S fans filtered into our area I was lambasted by my tailgating party: "How could you direct us to this God Forsaken patch of asphalt, laden with a-holes!?!". Then I remembered.....
.....the Union Tribune reported that J-E-T-S fans were directing their faithful to all congregate in the same area (G3). Word of this had spread and the Bolt Complex had urged Chargers fans to prevent this assembly by any means necessary**. This is why I had led my followers into the pit of Hades. But truth be told.......it wasn't that bad. Aside from hearing J-E-T-S, JETS-JETS-JETS more frequently than you can imagine Rex Ryan-buffet-visits it was a great time.
So why am I cheering AGAINST the Jets this afternoon, you ask?
Well it's not because they beat our Chargers. In theory, I should be rooting AGAINST the Colts because their lay-down against the Jets with a perfect season on the line is the only reason the Jets made a trip to San Diego last week anyways. Is it the talk coming out of the Jets locker room? I'll admit the talk from their coach and defensive players is beginning to grate on me, but that's not it either. It all comes back to their fans......
You see, last week when we were enjoying our tailgate and enduring the cacophony of J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS. We were subjected to some chants that crossed into the "No Fly Zone" of trash talk. The problems stemmed from the fact that there were so many Jets fans in G3, they poured out of their designated parking stalls into the driving lane causing a disturbance every time a car needed to get through. Naturally the cars needing to get through were......Charger Fans......thus the trash talk. So there I am drinking my beer and eating my breakfast burrito as chants of........wait for it.......U-S-A/U-S-A/U-S-A/U-S-A/U-S-A/U-S-A began to fill the airwaves. What's wrong with this? Surely nothing wrong with patriotic flair during a truly American game, right?
Well the chant was directed at a contingent of Latinos. That's what I would commonly refer to as, "Bush League Bullshit". The Latino Charger Fans, gave 'em a big F-You, and joined in on the chant because.......well they're AMERICAN!
So here's to karma, New York Jets Fans. I'm cheering against you racist fucks, today!
....and by the way; your Quarterback........is a Mexican American!
**Not really. They suggested Charger Fans get there early and prevent it. I just like to involve Malcolm X as regularly as possible.
-I attended yesterday's game. -I've since watched it on DVR. -I'm nearly ready to say something intelligent (a subjective statement, I know). -The only thing left to do.........have the foot/shin/leg surgically removed from between my legs.
As a regular, day-to-day human, I stayed relatively "normal" but as a fan of football......I went certifiably, bat shit crazy.
You Charger fans remember the day: a brisk Sunday afternoon that found the 14-2 AFC West Champion Chargers defeated by a multitude of flukes.......and the New England Patriots . Idiot corner backs guilty of penalty flag inducing flying head butts and safeties who couldn't protect their well earned interceptions. Muffed punts and goofy head coaching calls. I suppose it's a wonder that the game was even close for the Chargers considering the aforementioned display.
The conclusion was painful for all. With our Super Bowl dreams newly shattered we were subjected to mid field dancing Patriots and a pissed off Ladainian Tomlinson. The Patriot douchebaggery led to emails, then blogs and ultimately a shadowy organization known as the Anti-Patriot League which deified asterisks and spycams in the name of the New England Patriots and their idiot fans (I've been to Foxborough.......and I know idiots when I see them). Agents of this organization can be recognized by their T-shirts emblazoned with the logo below......
A glorious memorial to the incident known as Spygate, to be sure.
Anyways, this was the email that beget the blog that you see today. Kept for posterity and as a not so subtle reminder that you, good reader, can retain your sanity as it is I who acts as a maniacal proxy on your behalf.
To whom it may concern: For the past five years I have fully supported the New England Patriots and the success they have earned during that course of time. When the ignorant masses spoke ill of the Patriots, I was quick to remind them that the Patriots were everything that was good about professional football: the rare case where individual achievement was subjugated for the advancement of the "TEAM". This ideal of "team" has yielded three Superbowl championships and I have enjoyed supporting the high ideal that the Patriots stood for. After watching the Chargers/Patriots playoff game on Sunday I must say that I am withdrawing my west-coast support and marking that franchise for death! Indeed, death is a strong statement so I would be remiss if I did not make a few clarifications:
1. The Chargers were the more talented team. 2. The Patriots were the more level headed team. 3. The Patriots deserved to win--undoubtedly! 4. The biggest "hand" in the Patriot Victory was Troy Brown (literally and figuratively) and I can at least take solace in knowing that the ultimate "team" guy made such a critical play to win the game. 5. The Patriots acted like it was their first time ever winning a big game and acted like clowns in our back yard.
The Chargers are currently in possession of the classiest player in the NFL--LaDainian Tomlinson. Not only is he the classiest---he's the best! I support L.T. and his disapproval of the Patriot Franchise. I can clearly see that the very ethos that propelled the Patriots to 3 championships is DEAD. This was more than evident when they chose to dance like clowns in the center of Jack Murphy Field and stomp on our lightning bolt and then proceed to disrespect our players. Until that moment the Patriots had always "acted like they had been there before." Next week, join me in cheering FOR the Patriots so they can ultimately be stomped by the Bears (like Superbowl XX) or the Saints (Yea Brees!). West coast support has officially been withdrawn for your elitist franchise and you now draw the full wrath of my being (For those who know me---think New York Yankees). In addition to stating my position on that deplorable franchise I would like to rally the faithful to Join me in Foxborough, Massachusetts next season so that we can bear witness to the San Diego Chargers avenging this---this winter of our discontent. As of right now, a date has not been set, but we are definitely playing in Mass. next season. Join me, where we will drink far too much, yet maintain our dignity and represent San Diego well. In addition to renouncing my support for the Patriots I am also terminating my membership in Red Sox Nation. I now hate the Red Sox on par with the New York Yankees (let's be honest and call a spade a spade...If the Yankees are the "Evil Empire" the Red Sox are really only a couple of steps behind.... the Red Sox are "Mini-Me" to the Yanks "Dr. Evil". I hope my position has been clarified on the things I hate most in the WORLD: 1. New England Patriots 2. New York Yankees 3. Boston Red Sox 4. Terrorism 5. People who don't return their grocery shopping carts to their proper areas Numbers four and five are a little off topic but I feel it necessary to finish lists in a top five format. Please respond and join my cause. Direct the negative energy in your lives to the classless organization in the New England region of our fine country. Join me there next fall and don your powder blue!!!!! Sincerely
Enormously disgruntled Charger and Padre fan---cultivator of Patriot hatred.
The old, white dude background dancers make this video. "Hit That Hole" guy and his pal, "Charger Dinosaur" T-Shirt wearin' guy, give this video just the right amount of, "This sh*t ain't too serious, people.". Enjoy.
I like the timing of the release on this video. Loosen up the locker room. LT talked about it on (via Boltsplanet.com) SDNN: [Click Here]
While I'm not sure how I feel about this Jets team yet, I 'm sure there will be ample opportunity to work something Jersey Shore related, into a post at some point this week. Listen to Kevin Acee in the meantime:
Word on the street says that the New England Patriots/Baltimore Ravens clash is technically a sellout but there will be blocks of empty seats throughout the stadium. Season ticket holders chose not to purchase playoff seats and brokers have failed to move their surplus of seats. As to the accuracy of this rumor, we must wait until kickoff this morning.
The fact that this is even a story is redemptive in my opinion. All you'll ever hear from Patriot fans in person or trolls on the message boards is that they "ARE REAL FANS", and they "ALWAYS" sell out Gillette Stadium. You'll hear them chide San Diego because our Wildcard game from the 2007 season against the Titans failed to sellout because......boohoo....... it was raining (and if I remember correctly, the Chargers did a poor job of notifying the public that there were available seats........although San Diegans are afraid of rain, so it could have just been that).
It's also worth mentioning that many say, "The Team of the Decade", didn't get tons of fans until their first Super Bowl victory after the 2001 season. Are New Englanders jumping off the wagon because of Wes Welker's knee explosion? We shall see/I hope so.....
Regardless of how crappy Patriot fans really are, it matters not. In order for the Dream to be fulfilled we need the Patriots to knock off the Ravens today. Go Patriots!!??!!
With San Diego in a championship drought and Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday on the horizon I decided to absolutely butcher an excerpt of his oratory masterpiece, "I have a dream".........because........San Diego.......... I too have a dream.
I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from Jack Murphy Stadium. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for championships left you battered by the storms of sub-zero Cincinnati weather and staggered by the winds of Marty Schottenheimer's playoff coaching brutality. You have been the veterans of creative post-season suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.
Go back to Oceanside, go back to El Cajon, go back to Chula Vista, go back to Poway, go back to Escondido, go back to the slums and ghettos of La Jolla Shores (?), knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.
I say to you today, my fellow Charger fans, so even though we face the difficulties of this bye week and next week's divisional round against an unnamed opponent, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the San Diegofan's dream.
I have a dream that one day this city will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: San Diego is America's Finest City and deserves a Lombardi Trophy."
I have a dream that on Sunday January 17th, 2010 on the turf of Jack Murphy Field the San Diego Chargers and the New England Patriots will be able to do battle on the gridiron until the Vengeance of January 14th 2007 is served.
I have a dream that on Sunday January 24th, 2010 the state of Indiana, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice after the week 15 shenanigans against the Jets, sweltering with the second guessing of an aged rookie coach, will be transformed into an oasis of Charger fan exuberance and celebration.
I have a dream that my two little children will one day live in a city where they will not be judged by the shade of their powder blue throwback jersey but by the fact that they spent a king's ransom on it in the first place.
I have a dream today, fellow Charger Fans.
I have a dream that one day, up in Sacramento, with its vicious politicians, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "Cahhhlly-for nea" and "Go Chahhh---juhhs"; one day right there in Sacramento, little black jersey wearin' Raider fans will be able to join hands with little red jersey wearin' 49er fans as sisters and brothers in condemning those garbage teams and converting to lightning bolts.
I have a dream today, fellow Charger fans.
I have a dream that one day every stadium urinal shall be available, every beer and Kielbasa price shall be made low, the parking places will be made wider for tailgating, and the beer stand lines will be made short, and the glory of Jack Murphy's vision shall be revealed, and all Charger flesh shall see it together.
This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the Stadium with next Sunday. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of "Who let the dogs out?", into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood (aka Pennywise's "Bro Hymn"). With this faith we will be able to tailgate together, to cheer and talk trash together, to struggle not to spill beer together, to get detained by Elite Security and go to jail together, to stand up for San Diego together, knowing that we will be Championson February 7th, 2010.
And if San Diego is to be a great football town this must become true. So let the Championship bell ring from the prodigious hilltops of Serra Mesa. Let the Championship bell ring from the mighty mountains of Alpine. Let the Championship bell ring from the heightening Palomar Mountains of North County!
Let the Championship bell ring from the Tijuana Estuary of Imperial Beach!
Let the Championship bell ringfrom the curvaceous slopes of Pacific Beach's Thursday night bar scene!
But not only that; let the Championship bell ring from Cowles Mountain of San Carlos!
Let the Championship bell ring from Mt. Soledad of La Jolla!
Let the Championship bell ring from every hill and molehill of Santee. From every mountainside, let the Championship bell ring.
And when this happens, when we allow the Championship bell to ring, when we let it ring from every one way street in downtown and every quirky side street in Hillcrest, from every San Diego suburb and every city housing a displaced Charger fan across the country, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's Charger children, men wearing Philip Rivers navy #17s and men wearing Dan Fouts royal #14s, old fansof Balboa Stadium lore and young fans from the Qualcomm Stadium days, idiots who bought a Ryan Leaf Jersey and morons who still complain about Drew Brees getting away , will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Charger spiritual, "With Thunder Bolts and Lightning, We'll Light Up the Sky. We'll give it all we've got and more......with a Super Charger Try. San - Di - e - go......Super Chargers!"
For the unabridged/non-butchered text of Dr. King's Speech: Click Here
This is a great Redskins logo photoshop. I did not create it as I do not have the capacity for such greatness. Instead it was lifted from another blog (probably Kissing Suzy Kolber) and inserted this week for the Sunday Showdown with Snyder's bed-Shitting 'Skins. Who says football can't be literary? On to today's meaning-less/full game.
I think the Colts erred in shutting it down last week. Because they are regular season world beaters they do the same thing every year........rest personnel for the playoffs. But where does that strategy get Peyton's bunch each season? That's right.......the opportunity to get out of Indiana early and work on their tans......although this is something Peyton generally fails to take advantage of each January. So what am I saying?
At least let the starters get a half in........and then shut it down like the Colts. The Bolts' offense is clicking on all cylinders but faces a mandatory one week vacation due to AWESOMENESS so it would behoove the Chargers to get a little rhythm going this weekend against the Redskins. Keep the body clock as closely approximated to game day as possible.
Who should be shut down entirely? Anyone who has been battling INJURY. Everyone in the league is hurt at this point in the season but it makes sense to utilize the bye, by giving the Merrimans, Phillips, Weddles, and Jacksons of the world extra time to heal. Get everyone else out at the half.
NORV adding EXCITEMENT: The rumor has it, that Norv will activate and give extensive playing time to WR Craig Davis. Who DAT? Well, we all know the WR out of LSU as 2007 first round draft pick (bust), Bust-er Davis. Hooray!!!!!! I'm very excited......so excited that I figured out a way to make the game even more entertaining......
yes it is I......Antonio Cromartie.....getting beat once again
AVENGING JACK MURPHY adding EXCITEMENT: Tell Antonio Cromartie that he has to play man coverage all day long. No Zones. No soft ten yard cushions allowing the opposition's wide receivers to operate.....NONE of that crap!
In your face man 2 man coverage!!!! Full utilization of the five yard chuck rule.
Fans can turn it into a drinking game: take a drink every time Cromartie actually touches someone on the field. Ordinarily such a rule would keep a person sober throughout game day but today it will be different!!!!! The Chargers' higher-ups should offer child support bonuses to Cro' for each bit of contact he initiates on the field today..........I know..........I'm a dick for suggesting it!
Don't worry, Cro' is under contract so there won't be any bonuses awarded for something a guy is supposed to do by his own volition........and you don't have to worry about staying sober because Cro's jersey didn't have a grass stain on it. Drink up friends!!! Make your own game!
HOW it SHAKES out: I fully believed that the Chargers had an excellent chance at beating the Patriots in the AFCCG in 2007-2008 with an injured Tomlinson, Gates, and Rivers. So if I thought that Billy Volek could have started that game and kept us in it I'd be a fool not to think he could defeat a Jim Zorn led team. Chargers 24 Redskins 17
Mike Tolbert goes bat shit crazy today!!!
EDITOR'S NOTE 11:41 AM: New England Patriots' WR, Wes Welker, just blew out his knee in an essentially "meaningless" game against the Houston Texans. Due to this breaking news I recommend that the Chargers forfeit today's game.......well they can just send Cromartie out there so we can try the Antonio Cromartie Drinking Game.
