Darrel Akerfelds and Western meditations on death

While at Spring Training a couple of years ago, Dan Hayes, formerly of the North County Times, made a comment about Padres pitching coach Darren Balsley. The comment in question suggested a real appreciation for  "Balls" as a baseball mind but also who he was as a man.

When news broke that bullpen coach Darrel Akerfelds had finally succumbed to the pancreatic cancer that he had been diagnosed with in 2010, I began to contemplate the nature of death.

I also wondered what Dan would think.


Having left San Diego last week to begin his new job covering the White Sox I thought Dan would likely have an insightful comment on "Ak" but would be without the forum in a Chicago news outlet to say it. I offered Dan space at AJM to write something if he wished and he responded with the following quotes:

"Ak was a great man. I wish I knew him as well as his teammates did. He was just a guy who loved his job and didn't want the limelight."

"What I do know is the man took on his battle with more courage and bravery than most. He always believed, with us, he would make it."

"Jake Peavy put it best: 'I think the way he handled his situation is inspirational'. I'm saddened by the loss but proud to have known Ak."

Many who commented on the loss of Darrel Akerfelds yesterday, offered that he was a great man. I used the word 'courage' when I first learned of his death. And I couldn't agree more with Jake Peavy in his description of Ak as 'inspirational'.

Darrel Akerfelds was inspirational. After being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he managed his chemotherapy around the 2011 season so as to miss as few games as possible. While battling his cancer he still coached in 148 of the Padres games last year, an amazing commentary on his mental and physical toughness, but also his commitment to the ideals of team.

I saw Darrel Akerfelds at Spring Training in late March of this year. Once a large man, he had been reduced considerably by his physical battle. He looked like a boy in his uniform as he transitioned from batting cage to dugout. We all shook our heads in disbelief as we watched his slow, deliberate movements. I couldn't bring myself to take a photograph of him. That Darrel Akerfelds had even made it to Spring Training in such a weakened state said so much about him as a person.

I've always had a keen interest in Buddhism and other Far Eastern philosophies. The basic tenets of Buddhism always resonate most when I think of death: Life is impermanent; life is suffering; seek to eliminate suffering by reducing attachment.

If we were able to accept impermanence, the transient nature of all life, it would be so much easier to let go when someone passes away. I would make a terrible Buddhist because I often find it so difficult to let go, to greedily want more time with those people around us. This is my Western mind. My Eastern mind understands what to do in the case of death but that Western hemisphere has a powerful hold.

My uncle passed away a little over two years ago now. It's difficult to keep the timeline straight because there never was a funeral. He was a great man. I knew of his greatness when I was 15 years old. He had married my father's sister so we were not related by blood but I always felt like he cared about me more than anyone. Everyone felt that way about him. It's what made him great. My aunt didn't handle his death well. We waited and waited on word for the funeral arrangements but that word never came. My aunt couldn't handle the impermanence of my uncle's existence. I don't fault her - who would want to let go of such greatness?

I have daughters now. I think of my mortality often but not out of my own fear of impermanence. I fear not being there for my children as they grow, as they navigate their way through life and require the guidance of a father. Those are difficult thoughts, Western thoughts that can be crippling.

We will all die, this cannot be controlled. We can control our approach to life, though. We can control how we treat those around us. We can also reveal ourselves when faced with adversity. Darrel Akerfelds has shown us this over the last two years.

If we focus on living well, perhaps when our time comes, friends and family will accept the temporary nature of who we were. I suppose that it is my Far Eastern dream -- that there will be acceptance and that maybe I will have done enough to be described in the same way I thought of my uncle.

Here's to the hope that the family of Darrel Akerfelds finds solace in the revelation that so many people close to him thought of greatness first.

I want to thank Dan Hayes for taking the time to give a few comments about a Darrel Akerfelds.