Talks of the apocalypse were premature

On August 6th, 2012 Anthony Rizzo returned to PETCO Park.

Two days short of his 23rd birthday Rizzo entered his old stomping grounds (These grounds stomped Rizzo. Not the other way around) with the distinction of being one of the hottest hitters in the game. Coming off a monster July Anthony Rizzo's numbers through 33 games with the Cubs looked like this:

Click it! Sh*t is tiny!

With 9 HRs and an OPS a shade under .900, Padres fans screamed, "We always trade away our golden gods!!!" 
They didn't actually say that. I made that up based on a variation of what Padres fans do say and Cameron Crowe's film Almost Famous in which Billy Crudup jumped off a roof into a pool proclaiming himself to be a Golden God. But that is neither here nor there. The point remains: fans were not happy to see Rizzo's success while Andrew Cashner* sat idle on the mend from an oblique injury.

*Disgruntled fans also made the Rizzo/Alonso comparison and will continue to do so. Forever . . .

But Petco Park happened to Rizzo and he cooled during the most humid month in San Diego's recorded history*. Rizzo went 1 for 12 with 3 strikeouts and the Cubs were swept out of San Diego.

*I can't substantiate this. My crude measurements are based on the frequency in which I sweat through my t-shirts in places other than the armpits.

Anthony Rizzo is now 23. Since he entered PETCO on August 6th the first baseman's journeys to the plate have yielded the following:

Click it! Sh*t is tiny!

It was @Ducksnorts who pointedly noted this Anthony Rizzo cooling trend yesterday on Twitter. As I look out to my patio, watching an ever so slight breeze affecting the local flora, I am provided pieces of hope.

Hope: That as Anthony Rizzo cools and Yonder Alonzo grows, talks of an apocalypse will subside for a time.

Hope: That Andrew Cashner shall soon return to fill out the rotation and start more than three games before succumbing to injury.

Hope: That, this is a one t-shirt day.

Andrew Cashner and elbowing myself in the head

The following post is about Andrew Cashner. The first few paragraphs will do many a thing to dissuade you from this fact. Again. Andrew Cashner.

If I'm ever to find myself in a state of disapproval over an issue of some sort then I will shoot myself in the face. This sort of if-then statement is violent but it serves a purpose. When I want others to know just how strongly I feel, the following if-then statement, might escape from my lips:

I swear to God. If I have to watch another episode of Full House, featuring John Stamos's hair and those insufferable twin baby girls, then I will shoot myself in the face.

But there's an inherent dilemma with such extreme hyperbole; AJM would be using it in front of his daughters who are watching said programming. Mrs. AJM believes this to be a family oriented show and worthy of the family's time. AJM believes another episode could lead to a figurative gun shot wound to the face. AJM will exercise caution both with his use of descriptive epithets in front of children and further use of third person language.

Which brings me to my alternative. Rather than use the blatant imagery expressed above I will instead say, "Blah, blah, blah, then I will elbow myself in the head."

It's not nearly as extreme and the outcome is latent. Let me explain . . .


When people hear you mention self-abuse via elbow they will be forced to mentally question, "Could I elbow myself in the head?" In fact they're likely to attempt the act themselves.

Forming a 90 degree angle, they'll raise their arm, and gently place the flesh covering the ulnar collateral ligament to their temple and they'll say, "A-ha! I can elbow myself in the head."

I'll just smile in the way that people do when they mean to say, "Never mind. You fucking idiot."

But what these people don't realize is that I watch MMA and the side of the elbow is not at all the elbow. The elbow is the point of the elbow and it can be used to inflict serious bodily harm. In order for one to use the point of their elbow to accost one's self, one must violently dislocate their own shoulder to provide the necessary range of motion to inflict the blunt force elbow trauma.

What I have described is violent but subtle as people simply don't understand what I mean. And it doesn't include a gun. Despite the 2nd Amendment of 1791 granting, we the people, the permission to arm ourselves, people don't like guns.

So . . .

If Andrew Cashner's trip to the DL (or any other future injury while starting sends him to the DL) forces Padres management to send him back to the bullpen due to concerns of fragility then I will elbow myself in the head.

Last week Craig Elsten wrote the following in his XX1090 column:

Even if the risk is another arm issue, Cashner’s value as a starter is so much greater than what he offers as a reliever, the reward makes the risk worth taking.  Bad teams don’t have much use for closers and even less for set-up men.

Elsten's conclusion, regarding Cashner's potential value and the nature of bullpen set-up men, is an important one.

Set-up men can be had for next to nothing. Edward Mujica. Ryan Webb. Mike Adams. Luke Gregerson. Heath Bell.

The aforementioned constituted one of the strongest bullpens in major league baseball a couple of years ago and they're all guys off the scrap-heap. The Padres didn't give up much to acquire them.

The Padres certainly did not deal a top prospect, one considered to be amongst the top 50 prospects in all of baseball for one of those bullpen arms. But they did deal that top chip when they sent Anthony Rizzo to the Cubs for Andrew Cashner. Because of the quality dealt for Cashner we are left with no other conclusion than, for this trade to pan-out, Andrew Cashner  must provide value out of the starting rotation.

I agree with Craig Elsten. Run Andrew Cashner back out there. Keep doing it. Do it until he's a mega superstar or until he can literally elbow himself in the head . . . so I don't have to figuratively do it to myself. Even figurative abuse carries its own type of pain.

Deciphering a Jed Hoyer and Darren Smith Conversation

Yesterday Darren Smith invited Jed Hoyer to appear on XX1090 to discuss an array of topics. As I listened to the former Padres GM answer Darren's questions a concurrent dialogue played in my mind. This dialogue consisted of what Jed Hoyer was really thinking as he presented politically correct answers to his interviewer.

Jed's approach, of playing things close to the vest, makes sense. Conveying the wrong ideas can only serve to damage future negotiations.

Fortunately for you, I know what he really meant . . .


The first 4 minutes dealt with Chicago winters versus that of San Diego. This introduction was rife with fascinating psychological undertones, but in the interest of keeping things brief, we'll move it along.

[The Move to Chicago]

"It's a fairly easy transition here with Theo and Jason."
We were on a float yesterday afternoon singing Wayne Newton's version of Danke Schoen. It was sweet. I hate Josh Byrnes.

[The Andrew Cashner for Anthony Rizzo Trade]

"Cashner is a really good young pitcher. We think he has a chance to be a dominant relief pitcher."
Please! I invented the ol', "I'll give you a reliever for an everyday player every day of the week and twice on Sundays" trade last year when we got Cameron Maybin. Did Josh Byrnes learn nothing in his time under me?

"I know Anthony struggled last year in his brief call-up but lots of players have struggled in the beginning of their career."
Just look at Kevin Kouzmanoff. In 2007 the guy hit like .081 over two months before he turned it on and look at where he is now. And . . . Brad Hawpe and Jorge Cantu can eat a bag of d*cks.

"The Padres got a really good player [Cashner] as well."
When Cameron Maybin arrived in San Diego I'm pretty sure I said the same thing about outgoing Ryan Webb. And I just laughed about Edward Mujica. If I was in studio I'd throw the mic down and walk out!

"I kind of blame myself. He [Rizzo] got rushed, um. The plan all along last year was to let him play in triple A all year. Be a September call-up and maybe be ready for the beginning of 2012."
I am the fall guy for Motherfu*king Brad Hawpe! G*d DAMN Jorge Cantu! Seriously, bag of d*cks for those two! And Anthony Rizzo completes me.

"We weren't getting any production out of first base."
You're killing me Darren. I can no longer bear to talk about Motherf*cking Brad Hawpe! G*d DAMN Jorge Cantu. Wait. Should I be thanking those two? They did allow me to pick-up Rizzo at a substantial discount. Hey! Brad and Jorge!


[What did the Padres get in Andrew Cashner?]

"They got a great arm. He's got a great pitcher's frame. He's got a great arm. I think the debate around him surrounds what role."
If I say that he's got a great arm one more time, San Diego will be on to me. Play it cool, Jed. Play it cool. Popsicle. Popsicle. Now change the subject.

"The determination here was that he's probably a dominant late inning reliever."
He's like a rich man's Edward Mujica. Or a poor man's Mike Adams. Stop it , Jed. Play it cool. You're f*cking Fonzie. Be cool.

"There was obviously some question marks about his ability to start."
Did I say question marks? I meant exclamation points! God it's cold in Chicago.

[Carlos Zambrano to the Marlins]

"Sending Carlos Zambrano to Miami was something we thought was the right thing to do."
I dupe the franchise stationed in Miami. It's. What. I. Do. I need a mic, cuz I gots to throw it down! Lake Michigan has a beach. That people actually go to. Just not now. Weird.

"He's just apologized to his teammates one too many times. He'd worn out his welcome."
Carlos Zambrano is a fat idiot. Relatively speaking, Mexican food in Chicago is substandard. I miss long walks to Lolita's taco shop.

[On the Padres off-season]

"Mat Latos is immensely talented and it's hard to give up a guy with four years of control like that."
I Look forward to him throwing a ball through the sunroof of my car. Wait do I even need a car? Chicago has great public transportation. Josh Byrnes has my old office; dick.

"Candidly I was a little bit jealous when they acquired Quentin because I think there was a little extra money in the budget that I didn't have when I was there."
Josh Byrnes. Dick! Jeff Moorad. Cheapskate! I'd complain about Ryan Ludwick but who cares? Who's the GM of the Cubs now? I got my dream job. Theo completes me. Deep dish pizza puzzles me. It's heavy. I'm not ready to go back to Gino's East.

[On Broncos versus Patriots this weekend]

"Tell Marty I'll take a picture of myself Tebowing in Wrigley Field if the Patriots don't win that game."
This is Chicago where a World Series hasn't been won by the Cubs since 1908. We don't believe in God here. Patriots in a blowout!

Part 2: Andrew Cashner and A Trip In The Way-Back Machine

Your dis-ease has returned and you can no longer bear another minute in a period with such darkness. It is now official; February 24th, 2009 is dead to you and you want out. Fortunately I can help.

I shall whisk you away from the flotsam and jetsam of early aught-nine and deposit you in the year 2010. The date is February 23rd.

Most of the nation is consumed with the release of Nurse Jackie: Season 1 on Blue Ray and the Groove Armada's newest album, but not you . . .


Baseball America has just published their 2010 Prospect Handbook. You liked what Jim Callis had to say in 2009 but your senses are slowly returning and you know that Prospects rarely remain static. They're either growing or dying. Your curiosity has gotten the better of you.

Andrew Cashner, as of February 23rd, 2010, is no longer the third rated prospect in the Cubs system. He has plummeted to . . . 4th.

At first you believe this to be a net loss for the prospect but then you see who has hopped in front of him. There's the youngster, Starlin Castro, who has vaulted to 1st and a ridiculously good looking outfielder out of Cal-Berkeley named Brett Jackson who has assumed the 2nd spot on the list*.

*Former #1 Josh Vitters is now the 3rd rated prospect in the Cubs system.

You know their names as they are familiar in a time we refer to as the present. Castro is the Cubs starting shortstop and Jackson is the guy who every mope on the street clamors for when trades concerning Chicago are discussed. You think about it and determine that perhaps this particular slot for Cashner is not so bad. But you need more . . .

It's a calendar year later. What doe Jim Callis have to say on this go-around? You hear more of the same. Cashner's TCU lineage,  a signing bonus, his pitcher's frame, and his proclivity for cooking his own unique style of Texas BBQ*, all make for repeat reading material in 2010 as well.

*The Way-Back machine often messes with interpretations of data. This is likely a false assumption based on Cashner's alma mater.

It is then that Callis starts working your mind, putting on the hard sell. He writes:

With his frame and power stuff, Cashner is reminiscent of Kerry Wood. His fastball sits at 92-95 mph and touches 98 when he starts, and he has operated in the upper 90s as a reliever.

You are so excited by this comparison that you temporarily forget about the eventual injury patterns that emerge with Wood. The Wood comparison also derails you to the point where you can't even make sense of the words that follow:

His delivery is sound but not fluid, and he often battles command

You only read the positives out of the scouting buzz-words and you continue on your search for items that will help you reconcile why the Padres traded away Anthony Rizzo:

Whether he's a frontline starter or a closer, Cashner should be a big part of Chicago's future.

 But it's not Chicago's future. It's San Diego's future! Relief overcomes you. Wasn't 2010 what you were looking for all along?

So you kick up your feet and try to figure out how Jackie will juggle the trials of a nursing career and the tribulations of her own challenging personal life. Life is once again, good.

Andrew Cashner: A Trip In The Way-Back Machine

You need to feel better and I am here to help the cause. I'm fine. But it's you that requires comfort.

You are uneasy. Your dis-ease stems from the Padres decision to trade Anthony Rizzo, one of the system's top prospects for what amounts to a late inning reliever with shoulder issues and a light hitting elf from South Korea.

You are hurting and in need of reassurance. Fortunately for you, I can help. Climb aboard and take a little ride in my Baseball America 2009 Prospect Handbook . . .



It's February 24th, 2009. President Obama, focusing on the economy,  has just addressed a joint session of Congress and Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail is number 1 at the box-office. This day in history could have killed lesser people but not us --  Baseball America has just released their 2009 Prospect Handbook. It was costly, no doubt. But three years later it's still here providing us with much needed reassurance.

I direct you to page 83 where you find a former Tight End from the University of Notre Dame named Jeff Samardzia. He is the number 2 prospect in the Chicago Cubs system. You are mesmerized by his mullet and horribly distracted by the spelling of his surname but you are not deterred. Your eyes drift one slot south where you find a write-up by BA's Jim Callis. The player -- number 3 prospect Andrew Cashner.

Callis describes to you everything you wish to hear. How Cashner regularly hit 96-98 mph at Texas Christian University, pairing it with an electric curveball. And he has a change-up. His North Side employers believe in this third pitch, so much so, that their heights are set on a spot in the rotation for young Andrew Cashner.

Then Callis gives you your Holy Grail:

Cashner has the raw ability to pitch in the front half of a big league rotation . . .

You quickly do the computation in your head, knowing that this is not Japan but instead Major League Baseball where a 5 man rotation is in use. Your math tells you that the front half equals -- a #1 or a #2!

You are ecstatic.

Suddenly the Anthony Rizzo/Zach Cates for Andrew Cashner/ Light Hitting Elf from South Korea doesn't sound bad at all.

You forget about the slight strain Cashner suffered in his shoulder last year and February 24th, 2009 becomes your accepted reality. You decide to stay*.

Doesn't it all feel better now?

* As you wait in line at the cinema you find that "Madea Goes to Jail" has sold out. Disappointed, you think about returning home but it is President Obama's economic address that begins to resonate with your inner-American. You purchase tickets to "He's Just Not That Into You". It was a good day.