Talks of the apocalypse were premature

On August 6th, 2012 Anthony Rizzo returned to PETCO Park.

Two days short of his 23rd birthday Rizzo entered his old stomping grounds (These grounds stomped Rizzo. Not the other way around) with the distinction of being one of the hottest hitters in the game. Coming off a monster July Anthony Rizzo's numbers through 33 games with the Cubs looked like this:

Click it! Sh*t is tiny!

With 9 HRs and an OPS a shade under .900, Padres fans screamed, "We always trade away our golden gods!!!" 
They didn't actually say that. I made that up based on a variation of what Padres fans do say and Cameron Crowe's film Almost Famous in which Billy Crudup jumped off a roof into a pool proclaiming himself to be a Golden God. But that is neither here nor there. The point remains: fans were not happy to see Rizzo's success while Andrew Cashner* sat idle on the mend from an oblique injury.

*Disgruntled fans also made the Rizzo/Alonso comparison and will continue to do so. Forever . . .

But Petco Park happened to Rizzo and he cooled during the most humid month in San Diego's recorded history*. Rizzo went 1 for 12 with 3 strikeouts and the Cubs were swept out of San Diego.

*I can't substantiate this. My crude measurements are based on the frequency in which I sweat through my t-shirts in places other than the armpits.

Anthony Rizzo is now 23. Since he entered PETCO on August 6th the first baseman's journeys to the plate have yielded the following:

Click it! Sh*t is tiny!

It was @Ducksnorts who pointedly noted this Anthony Rizzo cooling trend yesterday on Twitter. As I look out to my patio, watching an ever so slight breeze affecting the local flora, I am provided pieces of hope.

Hope: That as Anthony Rizzo cools and Yonder Alonzo grows, talks of an apocalypse will subside for a time.

Hope: That Andrew Cashner shall soon return to fill out the rotation and start more than three games before succumbing to injury.

Hope: That, this is a one t-shirt day.

Deciphering a Jed Hoyer catch phrase with Darren Smith

Jed Hoyer returned to San Diego this week with his struggling Chicago Cubs, losers of five straight. At the conclusion of their series with the Padres the streak would stand at eight. During the middle of the debacle Hoyer took time to speak with Darren Smith of XX1090.

I always enjoyed the weekly spots Jed Hoyer did with Darren during his tenure as GM of the Padres but I think I enjoy his occasional visits as Cubs GM even more. Jed's aware that he needs to be careful with what he says to the press yet he always produces intelligent responses despite the inner workings of the clouded human mind. As I noted back in January, what Jed says doesn't always jibe with what Jed thinks.

One of the things you'll notice is that when being interviewed By Darren Smith, Jed Hoyer will often say,

"That's a great question."

Hey,  Darren asks great questions. He's a professional. But Hoyer's catch phrase is more about buying himself time than it is about complimenting Mr. Smith. The phrase gives him just enough time to provide a nuanced answer.

Here's what was going through Jed Hoyer's mind on Tuesday as he said, "That's a great question."


Darren's Question: 

"Do you get the sense that Cubs fans feel like they expect their team to lose or do they expect their team to win"

Jed's Catch Phrase: 

"That's a great question."

Jed's Stream of Consciouness:

Steady, steady. Play this one right. Hope Solo said all the wrong things during the Olympics and she was crucified for it. Brandi Chastain's sport-bra. 1999 World Cup. Soccer's a great sport. I enjoy swimming. Call Me Maybe. Deep Dish pizza is not good. Don't say that! Ramble on this one, ramble. The internet is world wide. Chicagoans will hear this in Illinois. They'll hear it in SD. This park was full of Cubs fans during the last home series of 2010. Italian beef sandwiches. Distract. Misinformation. Tie it to the Red Sox.

Jed's Answer:

"[blah, blah, blah, bunch of comparisons to the Red Sox and growing up in New England, blah, blah, blah]... In Chicago there's been long stretches of not being good. People say, 'You don't understand, it can't be done.' I think for us it fuels the fire. Of course it can be done. We're gonna build this thing the right way. We're gonna build a team that sustains success. The Cubs have made the playoffs six times since 1945. You think about it, that's once every 13 years.

AJM's Grade:

 Excellent job filibustering by the Cubs GM. When ever you can tie an answer like this to the Red Sox and their historical woes you're bound to make tough luck Cubbie fans feel a sense of hope. Speaking of Hope. Not mentioning her stripping down to her sports bra, a la Brandi Chastain,  in the event of a U.S. gold medal was also probably wise.

***

Darren's Question: 

"Do you think he'd [Anthony Rizzo] have that kind of success if he were still playing here?"

Jed's Catch Phrase: 

"That's a great question."

Jed's Stream of Consciousness:

F*ck. No, mind. Do not censor your/mine/our thoughts. Say it. F*ck! Why does my mind keep doing that? I have free will. Hope Solo's sports bra. Be careful. Don't diminish Anthony Solo's accomplishments thus far. Rizzo. Rizzo. Rizzo. Frank Rizzo. Should I bring my f*ckin tools? More censorship. Chick-fil-A. Chick. Hope Solo. Undergarments. Stop. Anthony Rizzo is a winner. Things are going to go his way. Ah, Beck's "Loser". I loved 1993. Hope Solo. Anthony Rizzo. Use the psychology aspect.

Jed's Answer: 

"I think change of scenery can be a powerful thing. I certainly do think there is a PETCO effect that can get in guys heads. He's hit a lot of homers on the road. He's hit a lot of ball really hard. But you know, maybe of his nine homers three or four don't go out here. And I think that does get in your head."

AJM's Grade:

Good save by Jed. With everything that appeared to be clouding his mind just about anything could have spilled out of his mouth. Another wise move not working Hope Solo into this answer. With a bigger press corps in Chicago it would only lead to questions of competency. A very measured response. A response that gives the appearance that at the very least Anthony Rizzo will continue to have moderate success at the big league level.

The mind is an amazing thing. What we think and when we think it -- it's a wonder we ever even produce a cogent thought to be expressed orally.

In addition to the comedic effect and the allusions to a half-naked Hope Solo victory celebration this was a great interview. Later in the interview, Jed Hoyer gave insights into the change of ownership and why Ron Fowler's involvement is a good thing. Check it out.

Andrew Cashner and elbowing myself in the head

The following post is about Andrew Cashner. The first few paragraphs will do many a thing to dissuade you from this fact. Again. Andrew Cashner.

If I'm ever to find myself in a state of disapproval over an issue of some sort then I will shoot myself in the face. This sort of if-then statement is violent but it serves a purpose. When I want others to know just how strongly I feel, the following if-then statement, might escape from my lips:

I swear to God. If I have to watch another episode of Full House, featuring John Stamos's hair and those insufferable twin baby girls, then I will shoot myself in the face.

But there's an inherent dilemma with such extreme hyperbole; AJM would be using it in front of his daughters who are watching said programming. Mrs. AJM believes this to be a family oriented show and worthy of the family's time. AJM believes another episode could lead to a figurative gun shot wound to the face. AJM will exercise caution both with his use of descriptive epithets in front of children and further use of third person language.

Which brings me to my alternative. Rather than use the blatant imagery expressed above I will instead say, "Blah, blah, blah, then I will elbow myself in the head."

It's not nearly as extreme and the outcome is latent. Let me explain . . .


When people hear you mention self-abuse via elbow they will be forced to mentally question, "Could I elbow myself in the head?" In fact they're likely to attempt the act themselves.

Forming a 90 degree angle, they'll raise their arm, and gently place the flesh covering the ulnar collateral ligament to their temple and they'll say, "A-ha! I can elbow myself in the head."

I'll just smile in the way that people do when they mean to say, "Never mind. You fucking idiot."

But what these people don't realize is that I watch MMA and the side of the elbow is not at all the elbow. The elbow is the point of the elbow and it can be used to inflict serious bodily harm. In order for one to use the point of their elbow to accost one's self, one must violently dislocate their own shoulder to provide the necessary range of motion to inflict the blunt force elbow trauma.

What I have described is violent but subtle as people simply don't understand what I mean. And it doesn't include a gun. Despite the 2nd Amendment of 1791 granting, we the people, the permission to arm ourselves, people don't like guns.

So . . .

If Andrew Cashner's trip to the DL (or any other future injury while starting sends him to the DL) forces Padres management to send him back to the bullpen due to concerns of fragility then I will elbow myself in the head.

Last week Craig Elsten wrote the following in his XX1090 column:

Even if the risk is another arm issue, Cashner’s value as a starter is so much greater than what he offers as a reliever, the reward makes the risk worth taking.  Bad teams don’t have much use for closers and even less for set-up men.

Elsten's conclusion, regarding Cashner's potential value and the nature of bullpen set-up men, is an important one.

Set-up men can be had for next to nothing. Edward Mujica. Ryan Webb. Mike Adams. Luke Gregerson. Heath Bell.

The aforementioned constituted one of the strongest bullpens in major league baseball a couple of years ago and they're all guys off the scrap-heap. The Padres didn't give up much to acquire them.

The Padres certainly did not deal a top prospect, one considered to be amongst the top 50 prospects in all of baseball for one of those bullpen arms. But they did deal that top chip when they sent Anthony Rizzo to the Cubs for Andrew Cashner. Because of the quality dealt for Cashner we are left with no other conclusion than, for this trade to pan-out, Andrew Cashner  must provide value out of the starting rotation.

I agree with Craig Elsten. Run Andrew Cashner back out there. Keep doing it. Do it until he's a mega superstar or until he can literally elbow himself in the head . . . so I don't have to figuratively do it to myself. Even figurative abuse carries its own type of pain.

Part 2: Andrew Cashner and A Trip In The Way-Back Machine

Your dis-ease has returned and you can no longer bear another minute in a period with such darkness. It is now official; February 24th, 2009 is dead to you and you want out. Fortunately I can help.

I shall whisk you away from the flotsam and jetsam of early aught-nine and deposit you in the year 2010. The date is February 23rd.

Most of the nation is consumed with the release of Nurse Jackie: Season 1 on Blue Ray and the Groove Armada's newest album, but not you . . .


Baseball America has just published their 2010 Prospect Handbook. You liked what Jim Callis had to say in 2009 but your senses are slowly returning and you know that Prospects rarely remain static. They're either growing or dying. Your curiosity has gotten the better of you.

Andrew Cashner, as of February 23rd, 2010, is no longer the third rated prospect in the Cubs system. He has plummeted to . . . 4th.

At first you believe this to be a net loss for the prospect but then you see who has hopped in front of him. There's the youngster, Starlin Castro, who has vaulted to 1st and a ridiculously good looking outfielder out of Cal-Berkeley named Brett Jackson who has assumed the 2nd spot on the list*.

*Former #1 Josh Vitters is now the 3rd rated prospect in the Cubs system.

You know their names as they are familiar in a time we refer to as the present. Castro is the Cubs starting shortstop and Jackson is the guy who every mope on the street clamors for when trades concerning Chicago are discussed. You think about it and determine that perhaps this particular slot for Cashner is not so bad. But you need more . . .

It's a calendar year later. What doe Jim Callis have to say on this go-around? You hear more of the same. Cashner's TCU lineage,  a signing bonus, his pitcher's frame, and his proclivity for cooking his own unique style of Texas BBQ*, all make for repeat reading material in 2010 as well.

*The Way-Back machine often messes with interpretations of data. This is likely a false assumption based on Cashner's alma mater.

It is then that Callis starts working your mind, putting on the hard sell. He writes:

With his frame and power stuff, Cashner is reminiscent of Kerry Wood. His fastball sits at 92-95 mph and touches 98 when he starts, and he has operated in the upper 90s as a reliever.

You are so excited by this comparison that you temporarily forget about the eventual injury patterns that emerge with Wood. The Wood comparison also derails you to the point where you can't even make sense of the words that follow:

His delivery is sound but not fluid, and he often battles command

You only read the positives out of the scouting buzz-words and you continue on your search for items that will help you reconcile why the Padres traded away Anthony Rizzo:

Whether he's a frontline starter or a closer, Cashner should be a big part of Chicago's future.

 But it's not Chicago's future. It's San Diego's future! Relief overcomes you. Wasn't 2010 what you were looking for all along?

So you kick up your feet and try to figure out how Jackie will juggle the trials of a nursing career and the tribulations of her own challenging personal life. Life is once again, good.