For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children...

After far too long, I finally made it out to a trail for a run today. Beneath the shady comfort of a eucalyptus tree, I stretched long dormant muscles and grappled with the incomprehensible shit storm, that is this world....



I am here and I can run.
There are those who cannot and never will again.

Had I began my running a week ago on the south side of Lake Hodges the nature of my reflections would have been conjured in such amazing contrast. Thought replaced by.....

Tomorrow I must run for no other reason than I can.

r.i.p.CK

Plaxico Burress: an excuse to use a great photoshop

The hammer came down on Plaxico Burress this morning. From the New York Times:

Plaxico Burress, the former Giants receiver, pleaded guilty on Thursday morning to attempted criminal possession of a weapon, in a deal with Manhattan prosecutors that will send him to prison for two years.

If the case were to go to trial and Mr. Burress were convicted of all charges — two counts of second-degree criminal possession of a weapon and one count of second-degree reckless endangerment — he could face 3½ to 15 years in prison. The plea agreement still needs the approval of a State Supreme Court justice.

Mr. Burress, who caught the winning touchdown pass in the Giants’ 2008 Super Bowl victory against the New England Patriots, had a license to carry the gun in Florida, but it had expired nearly seven months before the shooting. Even if it were still valid, prosecutors said, Mr. Burress would not have been allowed to carry the weapon in New York.

Too harsh of a penalty for a self-inflicted injury? Let's see what the masses think...

Ochenta y Cinco says a lot of stupid things. This may be one of his better ideas.

Lights-out makes a valid point. When your gat slides down your pants you may be a douche.

This comment came from a reader at the NY Times. While I may agree that a deprivation of liberty for two years seems a bit steep let's not go throwing the "it's unconstitutional" banner over this issue. You see, there are certain people who are deemed menaces to society and as such it would be best not to have them carrying firearms. So states go about setting up laws that create barriers to owning weapons if you fall into this "menace" category; all the while trying to adhere to your constitutional protections.

I like these barriers....they make me feel safe when I choose to cruise out to clubs at 1:30 AM on a work night while leaving my little baby and wife at home. I want to know that responsible citizens and non-felons are the ones carrying weapons, so I don't get shot which would make it increasingly more difficult to make it home on a work night and to my little baby and wife I left at home.

While Plaxico was not a felon he was anything but responsible. The 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States requires stipulations because of morons like Plaxico Burress. He didn't have his Glock registered in the state of NY. It's registration in the state of Florida had been expired for months, not that it would have mattered, because HE WAS IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK!!!! He didn't have the safety on his Glock set. He didn't have his Glock secured to ensure that it wouldn't fall down his pants. He is not very responsible and that's why there are restrictions on our right to bear arms. To protect us from egregious violators of the law and common place morons. Sorry Plax, but you've proven yourself a moron.

Giving up even a bit of your personal Liberty is a slippery slope, a slope that I'd prefer not to traverse. I don't own a hand gun but I may buy one in the future. If that day comes I really don't like the idea that the federal government will be aware of my activity but such is the price one pays. I'd much rather know that if there's anyone actually packin' out on the streets, that they are non-criminals who've exhibited some semblance of responsibility by getting a license for their weapon. History tells us that even those who handle guns regularly are subject to catastrophic accidents so I'll concede a little liberty in this instance.

It should also be noted that New York City had a lot of crime in the early '80s and now they don't, relatively speaking. I read a book called the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell and he discusses some of the ways that New York cleaned itself up; I highly recommend it. In addition to Gladwell's study, I also have to think that strict gun laws have contributed to this decrease in crime. Call me crazy....

How 'bout one more tweet before we put the Plaxico story to rest:

Ehh........I too have a difficult time reconciling the Stallworth sentence and the case of Plaxico Burress.

Donte Stallworth killed another human being and he did it with marijuana in his system as well as a blood-alcohol-level that was above the legal limit. That's gross negligence and it cost someone their life.

Plaxico Burress could have killed someone and had he done so, it would have been gross negligence on his part.....but he didn't.....he's a moron who shot himself. Being punished for what you might do kind of sounds like life imitating art, a la the Minority Report. I don't know that I agree with that methodology.

Anyways...

Let's not forget how this country formed. Thirteen colonies existed as separate entities before they ever united. They thought of themselves as their own distinct nations with their own laws and customs. Their union developed as a means to an end; to defeat a seemingly invincible British Empire. Once this task was accomplished they returned to their old mindset of individual and distinct nations.

When the Constitution was eventually ratified, it was noted that the Union was entered into voluntarily by each State, and that this document would preserve the rights' of each of these States. Well now there are 50 States and they all have their own unique laws, Plax and fellow citizens......so, you better recognize!

Donavan Tate Signing: Better Not Be Pulp Fiction

Back in June when Padres vice president of player development, Grady Fuson, made the below statement, the nature of it took me by surprise. Since it was included in an article by Corey Brock yesterday (August 16th) it needed to be revisited:

"We've kind of said, worst-case scenario, maybe a Mike Cameron ... somebody that hits .240, .250, a lot of punch-outs maybe, but big bombs and plays as good a defense as you get. Durable, athletic, steals a lot of bases," Fuson said in June of Tate.

"Best-case scenario, you got the whole ball of wax. You got an Andruw Jones or something in his best years."

Wow! Worst case: Donavan Tate=Mike Cameron.....

In the words of John Travolta's Vincent Vega (when discussing Lance's "product" surpassing the quality of that Amsterdam sh*t): "That's a bold statement."

If Mike Cameron is the basement for young Donavan Tate we better be hearing good news today. A $6 million dollar signing bonus, with the ability to control him for 6 years, would be a bargain for talent like that.

Movie Quotes Will Explain This Winning Streak...maybe?

The difficult thing about blogging the baseball season is the short shelf life of each thought. Before you can implement an idea from a game the next one has passed. All I really want to talk about is the Padres sweep of the Cubs but here we are on Memorial Day having witnessed the Padres extend their winning streak to 10 games with a late rally and extra inning victory. Oh who cares, there's only 11 of you reading anyway and China's access is restricted so I'll have at it......

The recent 9-0 home stand coupled with today's defeat of the D-Backs brings to mind two movies that may best describe the prevailing feeling Padre fans should be having:

1. PULP FICTION. The Character; Winston Wolf. The Scene: Vincent and Jules have just cleaned all of the fragments of Marvin's skull from the back of their get away car. The blood has been sopped up, the blankets are covering the upholstery, Travolta & Jackson look like a "couple of dorks", and they are confident that The Wolf has helped them escape certain incarceration. The Quote: "Well, let's not start suckin' each other's dicks quite yet." Now I've referenced this quote before and for good reason......it would be unwise considering San Diego's sporting history to get too excited over nothing. Not to be a wet blanket (or the damp throw pillow that my daughter just gacked on...true story) but it would be wise to remember that our 'book collection' has two fantastic 'book ends': A 9-3 start and our recent 10-0 run for a phenomenal 19-3 mark. But here's the problem..... all of the 'books' on the shelf are absolute SHITE!......think Jack Kerouac collection minus On the Road and Dharma Bums. The math on that is 4-19.....refer back to quote by The Wolf.
2. MAJOR LEAGUE. The Character; Jake Taylor. The Scene: Cleveland Indians squad is assembled in clubhouse and has just been notified that the team was constructed to lose so that the team could be moved. Each player would be released, traded or sent to the minors at season's end. The Quote: "I guess there's only one thing left to do...win the WHOLE fuckin' thing." I know, I know....you wanted to hear Cerrano say how much he likes Jesus but he no help hit curve ball......I get it... but it doesn't fit my theme (click here) so go with me. To keep Peavy, do the Padres have no choice but to 'win the whole fuckin' thing'? The Friars' FO wants to trade Jake Peavy but it will be met with even greater resistance by our fledgling fan base if it is done while the team is above .500 and has a chance to compete. Could the FO be hoping that this streak ends so it can get back to the business of giving John Moores a palatable $40 million dollar payroll? Will GM Kevin Towers begin to redecorate the bullpen with more of the Edwin Morenos of the world in order to soften fan expectations thus allowing Jake to be jettisoned? That's an awfully cynical thought but we all know that Jake's going, merely a matter of when....but will they trade him if we're playing good ball? (this is all ridiculous speculation and more of an excuse to mention Major League)
   

Those are my movie analogies and here are my observations from Sunday's game which was a 7-2 victory over the Cubs. A personal victory of note for me as the Friar's had dropped the 10 previous games I attended.

• I am a completely moronic child every time I see this name:

• Fuk-U-Do-Me......I laugh every time I see it in print and then I proceed to read this guy's name phonetically...every time. I am a MORON. It's like any time I've ever mentioned the word Duty in front of a teenager (such as: You have a duty to complete this task). All the teenager hears is doody....."Huh-Huh.....he said Doody." I am that same little teenage idiot every time I see Kosuke Fukudome play baseball. Sorry.
• Padre entertainment coordinators. Don't play Twist and Shout when the Cubs are in town...too Ferris Bueller's Day Off after he caught the foul ball during the game at Wrigley and then found his way on to the float in the Downtown Chicago parade. It's bad enough we're outnumbered every series those guys ever play here......don't make them feel anymore at home. Also ix nay any Smashing Pumpkins song.....they hail from Chicago....gotta think of these things.
• Always show footage of Garvey hitting the HR in 1984 when the Cubs are in town......it actually won't piss off that many people because they aren't even from Chicago, they're from Huntington Beach. I know because I was talking to them. Curse WGN's national reach!
• A batting avg. around .200 during 9-0 home stand. Really?
• Memo: Chicago Cubs fans who wear Chicago Bears jerseys to games in San Diego: If you decide to wear your Richard Dent #95 and guy wearing Padres jersey comes up to you and says, "The Sack Man's comin'," don't look at him like he's a crazy methhead from Lakeside but instead reply with, "I'm your man Dent," and then I'll continue the dance with, "If the Quarterback's slow he's gonna get bent," and then I'll be impressed with you instead of you looking like an ill-informed Jag-off. That's right.....YOU looked like the Jagoff.
• I do not like being outnumbered in our home park. It bothers me. On account of this uneasy feeling acquired when the Cubs visit, with all due respect to family members of mine who are Cub fans, I shall share the following sentiment: I have a strong dislike for The Lovable Losers...OK, I hate them. Take solace Chicagoans as it is not the same kind of hate I have for the Patriots.
• Finally.....watch out Dodgers!?? Not really but they are actually in our sights now.
  

Preliminary Thanksgiving Gaping V

First things first...Let's not put the cart ahead of the horse....No counting of chickens before they hatch...we are all familiar with these common place idioms.

Sometimes we have a tendency to get ahead of ourselves and there is perhaps no better phrase to illustrate this point than the words uttered by The Wolf to Jules Winfield and Vincent Vega after they had cleaned up Marvin's Brains in Pulp Fiction....To quell the notion that they were home free he reminded them:

"Let's don't go suckin' each others' dicks just yet!"

To that end it would be premature to so quickly award the next Gaping V without having seen the remainder of the games on this week's slate. The award named after the Jerry Curl sportin', Rec Specs wearin', neck brace stylin', high steppin' right out of bounds via the Southern Methodist University deserves to see equal opportunity given. Our front runner, after three horrific plates of turkey, thus far:

Detroit Lion Safety Daniel Bullocks

We have widened the parameters once again...defenders should have the opportunity to be labeled as female anatomy as well. Playing in front of a national audience on Thanksgiving with the ignominy of a winless season in the making....this guy pulled the old 'OLE'...we weren't fooled! What made the lack of effort so much worse is that it was Soft As Cookie Dough Lendale White who-came-a lumbering through the goal line. C'mon Bullocks! Grabbing on to soft and cuddly things is so nice, so easy...Never mind the Bullocks, here's the Vaginas!

Out in the west we call that bullshit...Ole!

Whiiiiiiifffffff! No wins are comin' with tackles like that!

Now we realize Lendale looks like a big fella...but trust us, he's a soft bowl of cookie dough like Mom used to make. This is Lendale coming out of USC at the 2006 Scouting Combine....

My last name is White, not Hut...WTF?

Soft, no? He'd probably explode upon impact with a solid shoulder. He's come a long way but Lendale's still a softie...

smart money's on gravy not jello

You'll never see this guy with his shirt off...even as a more svelte NFL RB, Lendale endlessly loses shit in that belly button (usually car keys)....which brings us back to Daniel Bullocks.

You had a chance to blow a fat man up in front of the whole USA....we'll never know whether gravy or jello would have hemorrhaged out of Lendale, upon being dealt a vicious "Ronnie Lott like hit", for one reason and one reason only....you, Daniel Bullocks, decided to show us your Gaping V.

PS
Could it be more fitting that your name translates to castrated bull? Well, it was an awfully docile attempt at a tackle.
You're on notice, Bullocks! There's a lot of games left this week so here's to you sliding your way out of it.