San Diego Versus Oakland Week 1: What This Charger Fan Expects

I should be coming at you with the full flavor of a football fan deprived of violence for the last nine months.

I should be going on about this being the 50 Year Anniversary of the San Diego Chargers and how we're opening up against another AFL original, The Hapless Oakland Raiders.

I should be clamoring for stellar offensive line play, the kind that opens holes so big, LT could drive more than a Segue through 'em. My focus should be on the efficiency of an offense that is all too often lauded as the most talented in the league but finds itself three-and-out, with too great of frequency.

I should also mention the defense and the sort of commotion I pray to see tonight from a Buddy Ryan schooled coordinator, in one Ron Rivera. Rivera has led this unit for nearly a calendar year and ALL Charger fans want to witness havoc via pressure and aggression. I could also mention that at games' end I really want to believe.......to believe that the 2009 edition of the San Diego Chargers are here for hardware. Vince's hardware.

These are all things, from a technical standpoint, that I should want to see.....

But all I really want to see is an absolute drubbing of the Oakland Raiders, the sort of destruction capable of producing prose in tomorrow's headlines.

Because when that happens I'll take that headline and slide it right under the windshield wiper of my neighbor. A neighbor who I've never seen by sight but a neighbor I know all too well: big lifted, 'I clearly have a small c*ck', silver Chevy with a cab window glorifying an obscenely large Raider decal and a license plate frame proclaiming membership in 'The Raider Nation'. I have never seen this neighbor. His monstrosity of a truck just sits there in a prime parking space, each and every day.....pregnant women, people with heaps of groceries and the elderly be damned!

I will take that headline and put it under that mother fu*cker's windshield as a giant 'F*CK YOU!', for the last nine months of parking injustice and failed assimilation into the culture of San Diego. Raiders?!!!

I will scrawl an epithet beneath the headline and it will read as follows:

I hope you've enjoyed that parking space you no good sum-a- b*tch!
Sincerely
12 Wins In-A-Row At The Hands Of The San Diego Chargers

EDITOR'S NOTE:
I am not angry, merely bothered by unregulated parking

Nice Debut, Cutlersuck

(This picture is on ESPN right now...Shout to KSK commentor Erik for the link)

It's difficult for me to wish the Chicago Bears ill will....but, God was it enjoyable to see the Little Hillbilly heave 4 interceptions and get the 'L'. Curious to hear his quotes in the paper tomorrow.

If I had to convert...

If forced to start wearing a jersey from a team other than the Chargers there's little doubt which one I'd choose:

Troy Polamalu is amazing. From the closing speed into the backfield and the subsequent blasting of Tennessee's Chris Johnson to the one handed interception, #43 does it all. It's disappointing to see a player of his caliber injured in the first game of the year but if it means he has to rest against the Bolts in week four....then perhaps it's God's will.

Speaking of God; if I could replicate a Christ like beard my earthly model would be.....

.....#43. The Jersey and the beard.

I should be goin' on about the Chargers but UPS took the wind out of my sails with another royal Fuc*ing! Gartrell Johnson T-Shirt, returned to sender.

What can brown do for you, my a$$?!

Merriman versus Tequilla: The City in the Country (aka Poway) has not been kind to Chargers

I know some kids from Poway...they were pool hopping, ice blocking, throwing a dummy in the road or some crap like that...this is what they witnessed amidst the juvenile hijinks:

[Shawne Merriman, Bold. Tila Tequila, Italic]

Baby...you're beautiful. Nobody's hotter than you. I'll never even look at other ho's

Whatever. F*ck you and that last stupid whore you were dating.

Baby...you da bomb. I'm over that beat ol' ho. [caresses her like he's Billy Dee Williams]

F*ck You....where's my drink? Why'd you take my drink? [gives stink eye]

Honey...you don't need to finish that drink...it's 3:30 AM

F*ck you, you f*ckin' 'roid f*ck! [pulls hair from her mouth]

[Man's impeccably poor timing for breaking up with a girl rears it's ugly head]

This ain't workin' baby. I dig you but this is too much drama. I got a Lombardi Trophy to win & a contract to get. [flexes pecs]

What the f*ck are you sayin'? You gonna go f*ck that Gloria Velez ho again?

B*tch, you better recognize...[raises pimp hand]

Who you callin' a b*tch? Nobody calls me a b*tch. I'm outta here...where my keys?

Fine! Get to steppin' you midget crack whore![waves hand dismissively]

[Conscience enters room at 3;32 AM]

You're not going anywhere. Calm down. Go back into the house with my friends.

F*ck you. I'm leaving. [storms off]

You not leaving. You too drunk.

F*ck you. Washed up has-been!

I'm not letting you leave.

The f*ck you are! I will kick you in the f*ckin' knee, you ape-f*ck!

[270 lb man grabs 93 lb reality whore: shit hits proverbial fan]

You mother f*cker! I'm calling the po' po'....you see that? Shawne Merriman choked me!

[Shawne Merriman looks to Providence]

You see that? Shawne Merriman choked me and he's forcing me to stay here.
[Tila T thinks about puking]

[SM, looking skyward, mouths "Why God?"....ponders $$$ lost as future FA]

The point:
...... nobody knows what happened except those involved and since they were all partying at 3:30 AM, who really knows?

I'm amazed at how quickly people have rushed to judgement on this whole thing. Doesn't anyone remember Ben Roethlisberger being accused of rape and then word leaking out that the 'victim' had bragged about how she got with Big Ben. So let's not start speculating on Commissioner Goodell's judgement or begin burning your #56 jerseys. Nation...chill the 'F' out.

I don't think domestic violence is funny in any way but it just wouldn't surprise me, since alcohol was involved, if the whole incident is one that has been blown out of proportion. Preliminary reports seem to indicate that Tila Tequila was really drunk and tried to leave the house. Doesn't it make sense that if SM is dating her he would stop her from attempting to drive? Of course I could be entirely wrong....

In which case: praise be to General Manager AJ Smith for drafting Larry English.

Editor's Note:
The pictures chosen for this piece were not intended to show, in any way, that Tila Tequilla is an attention whore.

Friday Afternoon Link Delight 9/4

1/2 of Sage Advice......How did it take Alba this long to make it to a Friday?

Very busy and the week has flown by so the only provided links are as follows:

Thigh of the week, Rosie Jones [Sharapova's Thigh]
Kouz & Head. A hot Eckstein. The merits of drafting a stinking Patriot in your fantasy draft. [619 Sports]

Schilling and Sanguine Stocking to Senate?

Back in October of 2004 Curt Schilling and his bloody sock ruled the world. I took pleasure in seeing the Red Sox end The Curse because it was at the expense of the vaunted New York Yankees and their exorbitant payroll, capable of sustaining the lesser developed countries of the world.

Soon after the anticlimactic World Series victory, Curt Schilling would do the media rounds as all heroes do when at their peak. Schilling's rounds coincided with the 2004 Presidential Election; the election which was supposed to be a referendum on the failed policies of President George W. Bush.

While doing the talk circuit, Schilling, never one to withhold an opinion, quickly and quite emphatically dismissed the notion of an endorsement for Massachusetts' Senator John Kerry, for President. What stuck with me was how dismissive Schilling was of the suggestion; as if voting for someone other than the incumbent was tantamount to sedition. Really, I thought? Sure John Kerry's a bit of a stiff but.....have you seen the way Bush has governed? Heading into the election of '04, Bush's 1st term couldn't be described as anything less than disastrous. Curt Schilling lost me the day he thought more Bush was a good thing.....more George Bush.

Fast forward to 2009. Liberal Massachusetts icon, Senator Edward M. Kennedy, has passed away, his seat left vacant in The Upper House. Enter Curt Schilling and his bloody sock to fill the departed shoes of Ted Kennedy:

"I'm not going to divulge the discussions, but I've been contacted by people whose opinion I give credence to and listen to, and I listened," Schilling said.

Asked whether he would run, Schilling said, "As of today, probably not."

"I don't know, going forward," Schilling said. "That's a pretty big deal, from a commitment standpoint, not just for me but for my family."

After the interview, Schilling added to his comments with a statement he posted on his blog.

"I do have some interest in the possibility,"

Now, maybe someone who believes in George W. Bush and agrees with most of what Ann Coulter says would be good for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Then again, maybe not. Some of the comments I've read from the good people of Mass., seem to suggest that ol' Curt should stick to talkin' baseball. I tend to agree.

Politically I dislike traditional party labels as well as the restrictive nature of being a plotted point on the political spectrum. However, if pressed to categorize myself I would fall under the genus, A angustus Constitution substructio Habeanae*, which essentially means I have some Conservatism in my blood. Having admitted to that designation: Anyone who believes in George W. Bush or Ann Coulter is seriously f#cked in the head.**

I pray for Massachusetts....

*I used a Latin translator to yield the above phrasing. Loosely: A limited, Constitutionally based Government. I do not trust the Government to make sound decisions hence the 'limited' and the 'Constitutionally based'. The Constitution was meant to shackle our leaders thus protecting the people.

** Sorry for the political commentary. Curt Schilling started it.

A Padre Fan's Observation: Elijah Dukes Is Not Good

Elijah Dukes is not a good baseball player.

In the top of the second he hit a weak grounder that SS Everth Cabrera was going to have difficulty grabbing and throwing. The type of play that could possibly induce a wild off balanced throw. Sure enough, ECab floats the throw high ......but Dukes never even looks into foul territory as he beats out the throw. It's of little import as the ball bounces into the stands but he had to be told to take his base which is just bad baseball. Always look into foul territory as you run through the bag as your immediate recognition of an errant throw is what will earn you the extra bag. Free advice for ya Dukes.

A half inning later I saw Dukes make a play in the outfield, a play which ensured that this post would be written. After Kevin Kouzmanoff led off with a booming double, Will Venable followed with a sharp single to the right fielder Dukes. Dukes scooped the ball cleanly and proceeded to airmail both his cut-off man and catcher, allowing Venable to take 2B. Once again bad baseball by Elijah Dukes.

As I readied myself to write with the Friars up 2-0......up stepped Mr. Dukes in the top of the 7th against a dueling Clayton Richard. Dukes worked a walk. Good stuff. Then got picked off. What happens next? Former Padre Josh Bard launches a bomb but it only halves the lead instead of tying it for the Nationals, because Elijah Dukes is not a smart baseball player (It should also be noted that the pick was really bad. Richard is a lefty and he induced Dukes to lean back to 1B and then Dukes shuffled off thinking he was in good shape.....rally killer!).

Dare I publish this before the game even ends? Elijah Dukes has plenty of time to eff the puppy even further....

Imagine that? I found a picture with Elijah Dukes screwing something up!