Cuckoo For Nick Canepa

When I was a kid I would sit down at the table for breakfast with the San Diego Union Tribune in front of me and a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. I would read the sports page cover to cover. The Sports section of the UT was thicker during that time of my life, more to read.

With no CNBC in the old days, adults often read the business section of the daily paper to see how the NYSE performed, feverishly charting their personal portfolios. Baseball box scores were my stock index. As a baseball card collector this was my form of investment tracking. I was going to be rich one day courtesy of my little cardboard gods. Rich from cardboard, huh? I'm moving in two weeks and those cards are moving with me. What a burden those boxes have become.

In addition to the box scores, I also read all of the sports columnists. San Diego Union columnist and editor, Jack Murphy, had passed away years before I moved to San Diego but I read all of the columnists who worked in the path he had blazed. This included Nick Canepa who, incidentally, has been around forever. Nick Canepa is a goddamn institution in this town.

As a kid, I didn't really have opinions of Nick Canepa or the other columnists as writers. I just read and continued to eat the Cocoa Puffs, gradually carving deeper and deeper into the box.

By the time my brother would come down for breakfast the box of Cocoa Puffs or Fruity Pebbles, or whatever other cereal graced our cupboard would be nearly gone. And the brother would be pissed. But I was bigger than him so I paid little mind to his plaintiff wails. With the sports section finished, I started my day.

Older now, I use coffee for breakfast.

I drink coffee, sifting through San Diego's poor excuse for a sports section, and I develop my own opinions on those columnists who proffer their opinions. I don't like Nick Canepa's writing. There's a lot about it I don't like. Sometimes Canepa writes an entire column that is so bad it warrants a complete dissection. Fortunately he doesn't always do this because I simply don't have the time in my schedule to be the UT's watchdog.

For the uninitiated, there is always one guarantee with a Nick Canepa column: It will include at least one pop culture reference that nobody below the age of 40 will understand or a reference that could have been updated to reflect some sort of continuous improvement as a writer. 

I appreciate history as much as anybody but there's something to be said for a writer who can stay up to date with both pop and sports culture. Not everything has to be about how, "Things were better in my day!"

Evolve, that's all I ask.

Nick Canepa doesn't believe in evolution. As is the case, I will regularly take Nick Canepa to task for his crappy writing in a series called . . . Cuckoo for Nick Canepa*!

* Points of clarification: I was Cuckoo, or enthusiastic, for Cocoa Puffs. So I ate the whole box. Nick Canepa's writing drives me cuckoo, or insane. Therefore I will write about the insanity. Just so we're clear about the whole Cocoa Puffs analogy.

Padres and Pints: Beerfest 2012

The most recent Padres and Pints segment was filmed at the 2012 Beerfest on June 1st.

Rick of RJ's Fro and the Dancing Friar as recorded by AJM

The event took place prior to the game against Arizona which the Padres won in convincing fashion. . . ahem . . . or so I'm told.

Rick (of RJ's Fro) recently purchased a new camera and microphone so the video turned out great as we reeled in as many fans on the street as possible. Enjoy the most recent Padres and Pints . . . and do so responsibly.

Forgetting birthdays and turning three

From time to time I work with young people in my non-AJM life. It is part of the curiosity of youth, let's call it "make-up", to want to know my age. So they guess and they guess. And they guess some more. I admonish them when I determine that they have guessed far too high and I smile profusely and offer them thanks when they come in at the low end. Ultimately, I never tell them my age. It is not information that they need.

As the youngsters offer their educated guesses I often pause and silently ask of myself, "How old are you?"


 
I'm at that age now where I don't really think about age so when people ask it generally takes a couple of seconds for me to gather myself. And then I guess the age I'm about to turn. When I self correct and realize I'm younger I get really happy. It's all very weird

Mrs AJM asks, "What do you want to do for your birthday?" 

I reply, "When is it?"

I don't know if you're like this, only that I am. This amusing anecdote is my way of conveying to you, good reader, that I have forgotten that Avenging Jack Murphy recently celebrated a birthday, turning three years old on June 6th.

I had blogged under the name "Hate the Patriots" for about 10 months prior to the name change. I began blogging about the Chargers, hating the Patriots, Voodoo dolls, Jessica Alba, and pretty much anything else in the sports world. Those were things that people read. Now I blog entirely about the Padres, which people don't really read. My choices . . . all very weird.

Since I only blog about the Padres I'm in a bit of a quandary. You see, I live in a Time Warner Cable zone, and Direct TV is also unavailable. Since I can't watch the Padres with regularity I find it difficult to write about the Padres with regularity. I blame Time Warner. And John Moores.

For those of you who stop by religiously, thanks. I'll try and do a better job of giving you something to read.

As I offer a belated birthday to myself I also want to apologize to the brave men who stormed the beaches at Normandy during Operation Overlord. I did not intentionally choose the anniversary of your heroic act to be the launch date for this debacle of a weblog.

Historians have offered that D-Day was arguably the most important day of the 20th century. I hope I have not sullied your accomplishments by borrowing your date in history to commemorate Avenging Jack Murphy . . . which certainly must rank as one of the least important day of the 21st century.

Happy reads, brothers and sister.

Deciphering a Corey Brock and Darren Smith Conversation

The Padres are off to a brutal start in 2012 and as our local media take to the airwaves I can only think that something else is on their minds.

Darren Smith of XX1090 has the luxury of diversion, a bit of latitude in his life. He can talk about the Anti-Chase Headley zealotry on his Facebook page. Maybe talk a little NFL Draft. Or, hey! How about excursions to New Orleans! The world is Darren's oyster.

But Corey Brock? He's screwed. He's got nothing but Padres.  No Oregon football right now. There is no diversion for Mr. Brock. Or is there?

As he spoke to Darren Smith there was a concurrent dialogue running through the scribe's mind. Let me share with you what I discovered while listening on Wednesday...


[On Bad Starts and Small Samples]

"I don't think the fans have jumped to any conclusions so far, have they?"

Fans are crazy. We're only 14 games into the season. First Office Space reference of the interview. Print Media 1. Radio 0.  Yea, these Padres fans . . . they got a case of the Mondays! Print Media 2! Radio 0!

[On Jaime Moyer]

"Hey man this is a great story. Is he a Hall of Famer or not? Everyone's kind of debating that. And then he, you know, throws up some goose eggs against your team and then all of a sudden you hate him."

I recall covering Jaime Moyer back in Seattle. He use to put his hand on my head and muss up my hair after I asked him a particularly probing question. The good ol' days in the Pacific Northwest. This didn't really happen. But it could have. Maybe. Did I just say Jaime Moyer might be a Hall of Famer?

[On Orlando Hudson]

"I think there's some issues, personality issues as far as what kind of a fit he is in that clubhouse. Inside that dugout."

Tread lightly. Tread lightly, Corey. Be careful what you say. You have some important time slotted with the Mrs @FollowThePadres at Fashion Valley on Saturday. Don't want to piss off the O-Dog. Don't have time to mow his lawn. Phew. Good answer. Good answer.

[On Huston Street's Future in San Diego]

"If this team is really scuffling by mid-May, late May, early June then I think it's probably a foregone conclusion that this is a guy that will be moved before the trade deadline."

Damn. We finally got some good music in the 9th. I mean it's no Night Ranger but Ted Nugent is a solid listen. It's far better than Heath's choice in music. And it's no Nickleback. Will Andrew Cashner close? No Nickleback, Andrew Cashner. The Ataris! IPA. Darren's beard looks longer than usual. Nickleback!

[On Casey Kelly's Elbow]

"You heard about his elbow having some soreness there. It's kind of like Murphy's Law. What else can go wrong here? But it turns out there's no tear there. He's gonna rehab for a couple of weeks in Arizona."

Did I just say Murphy's law? Avenging Jack Murphy's law? Murphys Law? Avenging. Jack. Murphy. Crap! Is Marty going to archive this audio? Did I just say Jaime Moyer might be a Hall of Famer? Ooooooh. This is bad. Look into my eyes Darren. Look into my eyes. Destroy this audio. Destroy! Please? Darren?

[On Pitching Injuries]

"You have all of these wonderful plans, Darren . . . towards the end of Spring Training . . . you got guys lined up for when they're going to pitch who they're going to pitch against. You set up your rotation. And then someone blows a hole in the buoy there right at the start of the season . . ."

I once made a buoy out of a six pack of beer in a Kentucky Fried Chicken cooler (don't ask). It was one of those mix and match affairs. I had three beers from Deschutes and three from Ballast Point. I don't recall the types of beers from Deschutes but I know I had two Habenero Sculpin IPAs . . . which is weird because I think that's only bottled in a 22 oz. Maybe they were just regular Sculpin IPAs. Two of them. And one Victory at Sea. No, wait. Victory at Sea is definitely a 22 oz bottle so it was definitely not that. I know! It was a Yellowtail. Anyways the buoy of beer tipped over because you aren't really supposed to use a cooler of beer as a buoy. I started to drown but gathered myself with a quickness. I could only save three beers from eventually sinking to their collective deaths. So I saved the Ballast Point. And I drank them. And that is the story of why San Diego beer is definitively better than anything else out there. What the *&^% am I saying to Darren . . .

"And you're scrambling all of a sudden. Dustin Mosely's down. Tim Stauffer's down. This ranks as fairly catastrophic for any organization to have to suddenly dip into your reserves."

Whoa, I was scrambling for names right there. Dustin who? Dustin Deschutes? Dustin McBrokeymeshoulder! Dustin Serpent's Stout? Dustin Mosely! Man that was a great story about the buoy. It's gonna be a long season for Padres fans. They'll have to dip into their reserves to survive it. Whoa! Jinx! Unrelated concurrent thought matches speech! Print Media 3! Radio 0!

[On Vacations]

"There's that vacation reference again. Yea, no I'll be there tomorrow, Darren, I'm even going to shave."

Which is essentially my advice to Padres fans. Be there. Don't shave. Old time hockey, Padres fans. Old time hockey.

Orlando Hudson: I love him, I love him not

I'm really only negative about a couple of current Padres. One goes by the Christian handle of Orlando Hudson. 

Every time I criticize the fella though, I feel kind of bad. He's a Padre and I should support him. Here are some things I love about Orlando Hudson . . .



I Love Him

1. He smiles a lot.
2. He seems to genuinely love playing baseball.
3. He performs charity work with his foundation for Autism.

And then there are the things I do not love . . .

I Love Him Not

1. He smile's a lot . . . while the San Diego Padres are losing and he's batting below .100.
2. He seems to genuinely love playing baseball . . . even though you can hardly call what he's doing "playing baseball".
3.  He performs charity work with his foundation for Autism . . . just as he charitably submits to each pitcher he has faced in 2012.

His 2012 salary is a sunk cost as his 2013 buyout. He won't perform at a level that will allow the Padres to recoup any of that money nor will he offset his performance offset salary by driving-up attendance at PETCO. Pull the plug.

Having said that, I especially appreciate #3 under I Love Him. Orlando Hudson is performing noble work with his charity and I wish him well with this philanthropic endeavor.

Will Venable in 2012: i TOO aM bullISH

Last night I listened to a Darren Smith interview podcast with MLB.com's Corey Brock. Each of the fellas stated that they were bullish on Will Venable in 2012 to which I quickly replied via twitter:

After the posting of that tweet Dan Hayes of the North County Times affirmed that he too was bullish on Will Venable in 2012.

I had to think about this for a minute; to process; to try and make sense of it all. We have three knowledgeable guys here, all having seen Will Venable throughout Spring Training and his work with new hitting coach Phil Plantier, and perhaps they have the requisite insider information to make such claims. At that moment I decided that i TOO aM bullISH.

I am bullish that Will Venable's hairline will keep him in the running to become a kung-fu fighting Shaolin monk.

I am bullish that there will be mention of Will Venable's Princeton education after giving a particularly introspective interview. By me and the interviewee.

I am bullish that Will Venable will curse at a blogger for an illicit videotaping incident at which time everyone will comment on how surprising the outburst actually was . . . because, well, Will's a really nice guy.

I am bullish that Will Venable will hit a ball really, really far and that we will all stand mouths agape and echo, "Will Venable hit that ball really, really far." We'll all smile at one another in delight as we fight over the last Hodad's slider and spill our $9.50 beer from Ballast Point.

I am bullish that Will Venable will hit a few booming triples, each one carrying the exact same sentiment from the crowd: "This is the day that the Padres finally hit for the cycle. Yippee!"

I am bullish THAT NonE OF THIs wilL MAttEr!!!!

each oF theDSE Special MOMents WILL all Come FEW and faR beTWeen and that viLL WeNABLe's stat lines wiLL BE hOrrendous BECause thaT's WHO HE IS! He's a tEaSE. viLL WeNABLe TEASES US! HE toRREMENTS us!!! He driVES US to MAKe POOOr decisIONS withOUr LIVEs! WHy? whY? WHY? Why do YOU dO it tO us viLL?!!!!

So am I bullish on Will Venable in 2012? Hell, I guess I am.

*The first cycle will be hit this year. It will be collected by light hitting Andy Parrino and everyone will be amazed because it was supposed to be Will Venable or Cameron Maybin. It's ok. Maybin will hit one in June.

The Opening Day Crawl

As we blasted through the doldrums of a February sports calendar and the never ending repetition that is Spring Training we can feasibly reference the odyssey to Opening Day as a crawl. But that's not the type of crawl I'm talking about.

I'm on vacation and I'm setting up a pub crawl to PETCO Park for Opening Day this Thursday afternoon. There will be no t-shirts. I can't guarantee more than three people in attendance. But here's what I will say:

• My two buddies who are meeting-up with me don't know each other. So if you're hesitant to meet because you don't want to feel like a third wheel then throw that care to the wind good man/woman! I've already stated that there are three of us to start so you'll be the FOURTH WHEEL. . . but you'd be like a bitchin' 22 inch rim that totally tricks us out . . . so be there!
• We will keep strict time in each establishment. If you can't start with us then join us along the way.

Let's do it!

If you're inclined to begin the journey on LEG #1 you will go to the . . .

OLD TOWN TRANSIT CENTER: 11:50 AM

My acquaintances and I will arrive at 11:50 for the intended purposes of boarding the MTS trolley for a 12:00 pm departure. The Trolley will drop us off at 5th avenue in downtown at 12:15pm.

What are your needs?

You will need one or two cans of beer. It must be beer that would be frowned upon by the San Diego craft beer community.

Since the Padres are facing off against the Dodgers you should be wearing brown but this is a negotiable point. If you believe in Blue and prefer to snub your nose at our LA neighbors I'm completely down with that. If you are one of those people however, who can't bring themselves to wear even one piece of attire connecting yourself to the San Diego Padres then honestly I don't want you there.

You will also need a firm handshake or fist-bumping capabilities and a desire to be unusually strange. Now that I've scared off the pretenders let us proceed to  . . .

THE LOCAL: 12:30pm-12:49pm (19 minutes)
1065 4th Ave (between C St and Broadway Ave)

We will probably arrive at The Local slightly before this time but the official bar crawl begins at 12:30pm.

This is the perfect place to begin as it's one of those places that proudly claims its San Diego roots. It's a shame we can only stay for Tony Gwynn minutes.

 From The Local we have 5 minutes to scurry over to the . . .

STAR BAR: 12:54pm-1:00pm (6 minutes)
423 E Street (between 4th Ave & 5th Ave)

The Star Bar is a certified dump. It's complete crap. For these reasons we are staying for Steve Garvey minutes.

But why even go at all, you ask? 

As a genuine dive bar it is deserving of acknowledgment. Similarly, former Dodger/Padre Steve Garvey is worth acknowledging because of the historic HR he hit in 1984 at Jack Murphy Stadium against the Cubs.

Steve Garvey is the Star Bar.

SIX MINUTES!

After leaving the Star Bar we continue on a strenuous walk next door to the . . .

GASLAMP TAVERN: 1:01pm-1:36pm (35 minutes)
868 5th Ave (next to Star Bar corner of 5th)

This is the original Gaslamp Tavern -- none of this bowling alley crap like they have over in the East Village.

We'll be here for Randy Jones minutes so Padre folk can get their bearings, order a burger and beer, and maybe talk about Orlando Hudson's groin. I will partake in all three.

After having grabbed a bite to eat and depositing roughly 5 beers into a thinning blood stream we are faced with the sternest challenge of the day -- a three block walk down 5th Ave to . . .

FRED'S: 1:43pm- 2:02pm (19 minutes)
527 5th Ave (between Market and Island)

This next leg of the crawl was supposed to be at my favorite Irish pub, The Field. Unfortunately, word has it that they have an Opening Day related event scheduled and it's all sold out.

Never fear, Fred's is here.

In between drinks of crappy Mexican beer  we can challenge each other with salsa shooters just to see who's more manly/womanly. And stupid.

If you so desire, go ahead and order a quick bite to eat.

But be quick because you only get Gwynn minutes and then we're off to an around the corner spot . . .

TIVOLI: 2:06pm- 2:25pm (19 minutes)
505 6th Ave (corner of 6th and Island)

Here we'll meet at the oldest bar in the Gaslamp, a watering hole where the legendary Wyatt Earp once drank and did other things that lawmen aren't typically supposed to do.

At Tivoli you can purchase opium just like the days of yore or you can settle for a cheap beer in a plastic cup on account of the owner not trusting patrons with glass on game days. With the Dodgers and their "fans" in town, a wise entrepreneurial decision no doubt.

Enjoy your plastic cup full of beer out on the patio for Gwynn minutes and then start pounding concrete to the last public house on the crawl . . .

BUB'S: 2:30pm-3:21pm (51 minutes)
715 J St (between 7th Ave and 8th Ave)

Bub's is perfectly located next to the park so it's a natural last stop. Apparently it is also a "Pittsburgh Steelers fan bar" which makes it perfectly fucked up. But it's not football season so who cares!

Its spacious and has a talented group of young ladies on the tap handles.

 You'll have Hoffy minutes to enjoy before we head over to PETCO Park to take in the pomp and circumstance that is, Opening Day 2012.

PETCO PARK 3:30pm- until LA loses.
19 Tony Gwynn Drive

You can go inside the park or you can camp-out beneath this sign.

If you choose the latter be prepared for the po-po to regulate your transient ass, because honestly, you do look homeless and the city would be best served if you were wallowing in your own piss over on 14th and Island.

I digress.

This is the one day of the year where, as a baseball fan, the only sentiment that exists is one of hope. Sometimes the hope is reinforced but often in San Diego it is crushed.

During those painful times when hope is in question it's always good to have friends by your side. I hope to see you there.

And if not, do enjoy the game.