Voodoo en Viernes on a Sunday Morning: Empower the Chargers and Steelers, damn the rest

The Voodoo has been on tilt so let's switch it up this week.

Rather than hex Brandon Marshall into having another arm-through-the-TV experience, where tendons are severed, arteries are narrowly missed and Denver management is thoroughly pissed let's instead empower his opponent. Let's arm the Pittsburgh Steelers with voodoo.

To this end, Avenging Jack Murphy has joined forces with Steelers Blog, One For The Other Thumb to rally against the Denver Donkeys this Monday Night. AJM took part in the weekly (err...sometimes) segment called Meeting People Is Easy whereby questions, both pertinent and inane related to that week's game, are asked of Steeler fans......and me, representative of the West. In the words of Jim Morrison; "The West is best."

Now don't be myopic on this one! Our enemy's(Broncos) enemy(Steelers) is our friend(Steelers...this week anyway). Also OFTOT is always funny even if it is a Steeler blog, so check it out. Go Steelers(this week)!

Here's a snippet from Meeting People is Easy (click to enlarge):

Representing the West. Click here for the rest of the panelists' answers.

It goes without saying that your Eli Manning Voodoo doll should be disfigured by 12:58 PST.

Go Chargers! Show you belong this week.

Voodoo en Viernes: The Wrath Of The Denver Donkey Throwback Swirly Socks

It goes without saying, that from a Charger perspective, this week is crazy critical.

Not long ago, when I bought tickets for the upcoming Monday Night Legacy game against the Broncos, I figured I'd be attending a complete laugher of a contest. The only legitimate concerns on game night were if I could 'pace' myself accordingly so as to be an effective human at the job on Tuesday...... and whether or not the Bronco throwback swirly socks might afflict me with a case of Vertigo.

Those are authentic concerns.....and now I have to worry about the fact that the Broncos are actually good........and that they could beat us at home......and that a loss would, in effect, bring a premature close to the Chargers' season? Hells Bells!!!

We had better run some righteous voodoo at the Donkeys for the Monday night battle. Last week we called for the "Something About Mary Prom Night Zipper Incident" to disable wunderkind coach Josh McDaniels, and if you saw the way he was dancing around after the game, pumping his fists, I'm pretty sure his nuts were stuck in the track.....

The problem however was that he enjoyed the crotch shot. We'll leave McDaniels out of it and again go after Orton once again this week. This guy has got to come back to Earth, no? I'm hesitant to destroy Brandon Marshall because he's one of my hottest weapons on The Tila Tequila Choke Slam........but I'm a Charger fan first. Post any creative ideas for debilitating hardships in the comments section.

It's not the brown and yellow making me sick.....it's the..... vertigo...hmm..ergg

The TTCS has running backs on byes and myriad issues so I'll put the hex on both of my opponents QBs; Kurt Warner and Kyle Orton. As bad as the Bolts' defense is, I'd think Orton's coming my way but you never know.....so you're on notice, Kurt Warner.

Awwww, Crap: Denver Broncos are 5-0

For More: The Denver Post

MEMO
To: Antonio Cromartie
From: Brandon Marshall
Date: Right after we shocked New England in OT
Re: The stiff-arm I'm going to give you if you try and tackle me like a girl

The Voodoo didn't quite work in regards to the Denver Broncos/New England Patriots game and that's on me, small miscalculation. In properly calibrating Voodoo one must always factor who the evil is being directed at. While under ordinary circumstances requesting a Donkey loss due to Josh McDaniels zipping up his nuts in pre-game is more than reasonable I erred in my evaluation of the total request. Bill Belichick is evil incarnate so asking Voodoo to act in conjunction with his vile persona actually nullifies said Voodoo. Like I said....my bad.

Denver has me worried. They seem to actually be good. After the Chargers performance in Pittsburgh, the Bolts have me worried. They seem to actually be bad. A recipe for disaster? Let's take a look at Denver's schedule:

They've got a tough schedule remaining. Traveling to Baltimore, Indy, and Philly is not easy. Taking on Pittsburgh and the G-Men at home, muy dificil. I would even say that going to Washington following physical games at Baltimore and then home against the Steelers is a miserable stretch of games. Not to mention they have to play us twice. They're good but they'll be challenged down the stretch.

How about the Chargers' schedule:

Easier because we've already played Baltimore and Pitt. G-Men in NY is no good but we get the Eagles at home. Bengals have been playing well but they've got to come here and then the Titans and Redskins both suck and they'll be playing for nothing, on and after Jesus' birthday.

Of course it's all moot if we don't start playing defense. The Broncos have defense.

Back to Voodoo. I threw it down on Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne and while Manning blew up, the preponderance of FF points went to the little white receiver whose wife quizzes him on the playbook each night before he goes to bed (maybe I should pick that fella up on waivers---what was his name?). So the Big Two were held in check.......did you see Reggie Wayne drop that easy pass in the end zone? Voodoo. The Tila Tequila Choke Slam is climbin' the charts.

On another note: there are some really crappy teams in the NFL this year. Even teams that are crappy are blowing teams out. My pick 'em leagues are not going well.

Voodoo en Viernes: Week 5

During the 2008 season this site concocted a strange brew of Buddhist counsel, Jessica Alba praise, and down-home voodoo. An odd amalgam of beliefs to be sure but functional as well. The above combination of world views led to the San Diego Chargers finishing the season on an astounding 4 game victory run coupled with the collapse of the Denver Broncos. The post-season also saw us reap modest success with the creation of the Manning De Milo. 2008 came to an unceremonious close though when the right mix of Voodoo failed to stem the DPOY and the eventual champion, Pittsburgh Steelers.

The results were undeniable: Dalai Lama/Jessica Alba/Voodoo yields victories (5-1).

The process of creating Voodoo dolls however is painstakingly tedious; a sap to my resource of time as well as finance. So for the early part of this year, good reader, you will have to settle for images of voodoo rather than three-dimensional representations.....we'll save those for the post season ( // I cross my fingers).

While I didn't think I'd have to muster the Voodoo so early, it returns today, entering week 5 of the NFL season in a segment called Voodoo en Viernes (that's Friday in Espanol for all the gueros out there).

Los Chargers. They're on the Bye this week but it doesn't mean we can't throw 'em a bone. Denver must lose and they've got the Patriots comin' to Mile High for week 5 so it is with that in mind that we throw a little bad juju at the Donkeys. Josh McDaniels is facing his mentor in Bill Belichick so the most non-lethal yet distracting impediment we can shower upon Denver's young coach is a beauty from the year 1998. We'll go with the prom night/rest room/ zipper/nut incident from Something About Mary. McDaniels will remain a functioning man but most one who is uncomfortable and prone to poor decision making against the Genius, Bill Belichick.

We'll also throw a little curse on the QB, Kyle Orton:

He doesn't look too competent in that photo.......here's to him tying one on the night before the big game because we all know that altitude affects your tolerance. Come back to Earth you bearded man!!!

AJM will also be throwing a little hex towards Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne. What did they do to deserve such wrath, you ask? Well here's the thing: my Fantasy Football team, The Tila Tequila Choke Slam, is in the crapper at 1-3. However my opponent who happens to have scored LESS points than The TTCS has a gaudy 3-1 record. Ahh, Yes. In one of those frustrating conundrums of the fantasy football world, I'm two games behind because while outscoring my rival I've nearly had 100 MORE points scored against me. That's Bush League Bull Crap and as such, Clark and Wayne must pay!!! Minor hamstring and quad tweaks is all we ask, resulting in precautionary rest. They're good fellas we just need to minimize scoring to get The TTCS back on track.

Need some Voodoo? Post it in the comments section.

No Chargers game, so no Sunday night sadness.

Enjoy Week 5