Catching-Up: Part II

I wrote a couple of things for 619Sports.net during the month of October and... let's see... where are they?

Oh here we go: the first one was called "I'm not with stupid, I AM stupid!"

What's it about? It was a mish-mash of stuff including my viewing habits during Chargers games, Jimmy Carter/Norv Turner analogies, and a piece called "Cautionary Tales in Jersey Purchases". Incidentally, I've stopped wearing my jerseys and have switched to something else. I'm superstitious.

The second piece at 619 was called "Good Morning. I Hate You!"

This was a "getting back to your roots" piece where we re-examined our hate for the New England Patriots. It was written before the Chargers played the Patriots on October 24th, 2010.

I went to the game that afternoon and it was one of the worst played games I've ever attended or watched for that matter. The Chargers and the Pats both sucked it up and at halftime I thought there was a very real possibility that I would be leaving the game early. The 4th quarter however turned for the better. The ending not so much.

Go read it and reflect on your hatred.

A Day That Will Live In Infamy: January 14th, 2007

Three years ago today, I went a little crazy.

As a regular, day-to-day human, I stayed relatively "normal" but as a fan of football......I went certifiably, bat shit crazy.

You Charger fans remember the day: a brisk Sunday afternoon that found the 14-2 AFC West Champion Chargers defeated by a multitude of flukes.......and the New England Patriots . Idiot corner backs guilty of penalty flag inducing flying head butts and safeties who couldn't protect their well earned interceptions. Muffed punts and goofy head coaching calls. I suppose it's a wonder that the game was even close for the Chargers considering the aforementioned display.

The conclusion was painful for all. With our Super Bowl dreams newly shattered we were subjected to mid field dancing Patriots and a pissed off Ladainian Tomlinson. The Patriot douchebaggery led to emails, then blogs and ultimately a shadowy organization known as the Anti-Patriot League which deified asterisks and spycams in the name of the New England Patriots and their idiot fans (I've been to Foxborough.......and I know idiots when I see them). Agents of this organization can be recognized by their T-shirts emblazoned with the logo below......

A glorious memorial to the incident known as Spygate, to be sure.

Anyways, this was the email that beget the blog that you see today. Kept for posterity and as a not so subtle reminder that you, good reader, can retain your sanity as it is I who acts as a maniacal proxy on your behalf.

To whom it may concern:
 
For the past five years I have fully supported the New England Patriots and
the success they have earned during that course of time. When the ignorant
masses spoke ill of the Patriots, I was quick to remind them that the
Patriots were everything that was good about professional football: the rare
case where individual achievement was subjugated for the advancement of the
"TEAM". This ideal of "team" has yielded three Superbowl championships and I
have enjoyed supporting the high ideal that the Patriots stood for.
 
After watching the Chargers/Patriots playoff game on Sunday I must say
that I am withdrawing my west-coast support and marking that franchise for
death!
 
Indeed, death is a strong statement so I would be remiss if I did not make
a few clarifications:

1. The Chargers were the more talented team.
2. The Patriots were the more level headed team.
3. The Patriots deserved to win--undoubtedly!
4. The biggest "hand" in the Patriot Victory was Troy Brown (literally and 
figuratively) and I can at   least take solace in knowing that the ultimate 
"team" guy made such a critical play to win the game.
5. The Patriots acted like it was their first time ever winning a big game
and acted like clowns in our back yard.

The Chargers are currently in possession of the classiest player in the
NFL--LaDainian Tomlinson. Not only is he the classiest---he's the best! I
support L.T. and his disapproval of the Patriot Franchise. I can clearly
see that the very ethos that propelled the Patriots to 3 championships is
DEAD. This was more than evident when they chose to dance like clowns in the
center of Jack Murphy Field and stomp on our lightning bolt and then proceed
to disrespect our players. Until that moment the Patriots had always "acted
like they had been there before."
 
Next week, join me in cheering FOR the Patriots so they can ultimately be
stomped by the Bears (like Superbowl XX) or the Saints (Yea Brees!). West
coast support has officially been withdrawn for your elitist franchise and
you now draw the full wrath of my being (For those who know me---think New
York Yankees).
 
In addition to stating my position on that deplorable franchise I would
like to rally the faithful to Join me in Foxborough, Massachusetts next season
so that we can bear witness to the San Diego Chargers avenging this---this
winter of our discontent. As of right now, a date has not been set, but we
are definitely playing in Mass. next season. Join me, where we will drink
far too much, yet maintain our dignity and represent San Diego well.
 
In addition to renouncing my support for the Patriots I am also terminating
my membership in Red Sox Nation. I now hate the Red Sox on par with the New
York Yankees (let's be honest and call a spade a spade...If the Yankees are
the "Evil Empire" the Red Sox are really only a couple of steps behind.... 
the Red Sox are "Mini-Me" to the Yanks "Dr. Evil".
 
I hope my position has been clarified on the things I hate most in the
WORLD:
 
1. New England Patriots
2. New York Yankees
3. Boston Red Sox
4. Terrorism
5. People who don't return their grocery shopping carts to their proper
areas
 
Numbers four and five are a little off topic but I feel it necessary to
finish lists in a top five format.
 
Please respond and join my cause. Direct the negative energy in your lives
to the classless organization in the New England region of our fine country. 
Join me there next fall and don your powder blue!!!!!
 
Sincerely
 

Enormously disgruntled Charger and Padre fan---cultivator of Patriot hatred.


For more of the ensuing email banter [Click here]

Dear Chargers

Please beat Jets. I'm in need of sanity restoration.

Opinion: Patriot fanhood and step one in the, "I Have A Dream, Charger Fans!" saga

Word on the street says that the New England Patriots/Baltimore Ravens clash is technically a sellout but there will be blocks of empty seats throughout the stadium. Season ticket holders chose not to purchase playoff seats and brokers have failed to move their surplus of seats. As to the accuracy of this rumor, we must wait until kickoff this morning.

The fact that this is even a story is redemptive in my opinion. All you'll ever hear from Patriot fans in person or trolls on the message boards is that they "ARE REAL FANS", and they "ALWAYS" sell out Gillette Stadium. You'll hear them chide San Diego because our Wildcard game from the 2007 season against the Titans failed to sellout because......boohoo....... it was raining (and if I remember correctly, the Chargers did a poor job of notifying the public that there were available seats........although San Diegans are afraid of rain, so it could have just been that).

It's also worth mentioning that many say, "The Team of the Decade", didn't get tons of fans until their first Super Bowl victory after the 2001 season. Are New Englanders jumping off the wagon because of Wes Welker's knee explosion? We shall see/I hope so.....

Regardless of how crappy Patriot fans really are, it matters not. In order for the Dream to be fulfilled we need the Patriots to knock off the Ravens today. Go Patriots!!??!!

2009 Rankings: Retro and Alternate Uniforms.....as well as my nomination

As I logged out of my email I was directed to Fox Sports where a gallery of this year's retro uniforms was displayed along with commentary. As always, the Chargers' powder blues were lauded.

But the idiot writing the captions felt that he couldn't give the nod to the Bolts' attire on grounds that he never sees them wear the Throwback White version. A little research would have told him that the Chargers will be wearing the whites against Kansas City next week. He also couldn't vault the Chargers to #1 because.....well that spot is reserved for the New England Patriots. "Simply the best" read the commentary----well they are simple. Red, White, and Blue and a bent over Patriot stamped onto the helmet. I thought the NFL was supposed to be family oriented?

Speaking of uniforms; the ones from the Lingerie Football League, while not retro, are definitely appealing. The Ghost of Sid Going astutely pointed out that we may be watching the wrong team in San Diego and if things go poorly this coming Monday Night.....well here's the LFL's schedule for San Diego's team, The Seduction.

Awwww, Crap: Denver Broncos are 5-0

For More: The Denver Post

MEMO
To: Antonio Cromartie
From: Brandon Marshall
Date: Right after we shocked New England in OT
Re: The stiff-arm I'm going to give you if you try and tackle me like a girl

The Voodoo didn't quite work in regards to the Denver Broncos/New England Patriots game and that's on me, small miscalculation. In properly calibrating Voodoo one must always factor who the evil is being directed at. While under ordinary circumstances requesting a Donkey loss due to Josh McDaniels zipping up his nuts in pre-game is more than reasonable I erred in my evaluation of the total request. Bill Belichick is evil incarnate so asking Voodoo to act in conjunction with his vile persona actually nullifies said Voodoo. Like I said....my bad.

Denver has me worried. They seem to actually be good. After the Chargers performance in Pittsburgh, the Bolts have me worried. They seem to actually be bad. A recipe for disaster? Let's take a look at Denver's schedule:

They've got a tough schedule remaining. Traveling to Baltimore, Indy, and Philly is not easy. Taking on Pittsburgh and the G-Men at home, muy dificil. I would even say that going to Washington following physical games at Baltimore and then home against the Steelers is a miserable stretch of games. Not to mention they have to play us twice. They're good but they'll be challenged down the stretch.

How about the Chargers' schedule:

Easier because we've already played Baltimore and Pitt. G-Men in NY is no good but we get the Eagles at home. Bengals have been playing well but they've got to come here and then the Titans and Redskins both suck and they'll be playing for nothing, on and after Jesus' birthday.

Of course it's all moot if we don't start playing defense. The Broncos have defense.

Back to Voodoo. I threw it down on Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne and while Manning blew up, the preponderance of FF points went to the little white receiver whose wife quizzes him on the playbook each night before he goes to bed (maybe I should pick that fella up on waivers---what was his name?). So the Big Two were held in check.......did you see Reggie Wayne drop that easy pass in the end zone? Voodoo. The Tila Tequila Choke Slam is climbin' the charts.

On another note: there are some really crappy teams in the NFL this year. Even teams that are crappy are blowing teams out. My pick 'em leagues are not going well.

On Assignment: Site Sage, H.H. The Dalai Lama, Looks To Get Bolts Back On Track

The Chargers are in Dire need of a Denver Donkey Defeat. On account of this indisputable fact we will begrudgingly become New England Patriot fans for the weekend. The Donkeys must be destroyed like an injured Philly at Del Mar so it is with great pleasure that Avenging Jack Murphy has dispatched the 14th incarnation of the Dalai Lama and Site Sage, to spread total consciousness amongst Patriot personnel. Do your thing Lama.

Chargers v Cardinals: It's only Pre-season Sucka

After watching the 1st half (I can only bear to watch the 1st 1/2 of pre-season games) of the Chargers @ Arizona, I found myself with many observations, but there were three things that hit me the most:

1. The Interception by Antonio Cromartie

Cro's Int. was fantastic. It happened at a critical moment (goal line) against one of the game's best (Fitzgerald) and it was an attacking play. He read it, jumped the route, and had one thing on his mind: pick-6. It very much reminded me of the San Diego Chargers' defense of 2007....you remember the one. The one that would bend but not break. The one that would give up yardage but always had someone ready to make a play. It reminded me of the AFCCG against the Patriots when Tom Brady was moving the ball at will but kept turning it over to a ball hawking Charger D.

2. The Interception by Clinton Hart

Hart's Int. was also fantastic. It too happened at a critical moment (goal line) and it was a very nice read. However the good ended there. Rather than taking a knee and sitting on the it......#42 decided to run the ball out, presumably because he felt he had an escort in Antonio Cromartie. I have news for you Mr. Hart; Antonio Cromartie is about as physical as a castrated collie so expecting him to make a momentous block of any kind is an exercise in futility. Hart proceeded to fumble the ball away. Personally I liked wear Cro's head was; ole to the block....pitch me the ball on the 2 yard line.....I'm open. Good thinkin'........

This pick did not remind me of the 2007 Chargers, but instead conjured images of the 2006 edition. The stellar defense followed by foolishness, akin to the Divisional playoff game against those same Patriots..........oh Marlon McCree, you haunt me.

3. Billy Ray Smith's Commentary During Replay Review Of Hart's Fumble

It was serendipity that a critical replay (as critical as pre-season can be) would involve both the Chargers and the one and only Ed Hochuli. As Hochuli reviewed the play Ron Pitts had this exchange with Billy Ray Smith:
Ron Pitts: "You know, Cromartie's waiting for the pitch, that's what he's waiting for."
Billy Ray Smith: "Well maybe he needs to throw a block or two (signature BR laughter)"

Ron Pitts: "First things first, they have to determine that he did retain possession after the interception ,took the steps, had possession ok, now next is the fumble"
Billy Ray Smith: "Well, actually, first and foremost is 'Hey Ed Hochuli, you owe us. You owe us one sucka.' Let's not forget that. That's what Charger fans are saying to themselves. C'mon Hochuli."

You owe us one sucka!

The most classic line ever uttered during a football telecast? I think so.

Contrary to points #1 and #2 I am not a fatalist.

• Legedu Naanee looked fantastic. I hope they can get him involved in the O because he makes things happen.
  
• The sure fire tackling of Kevin Burnett. One of the highest complements that can be given to an open side flanker in the game of rugby is that he has a high work rate or that he looks for work. Kevin Burnett looks for work.
• LT looked pretty good in space when he caught that screen and the little route out of the backfield.
• Phillip Rivers is still alive despite the early beating he took. That's a win.

No worries. It's only pre-season sucka!

Great Moments in Humanhood

What kind of draft analysis do you think this guy would provide. A great moment in fackin' Humanhood.