November 22nd, 2009: Slaying the Seahorse of Denver

Scoreboard + Strapping Seahorse Statue = Jocular Tourists

Uhhh.....so we're in this picture celebrating near the locker room tunnel at game's end. You see the "Send Fish Tacos" sign? Yea, we didn't make it.......

It was created by the Lucha Libre Charger fans. I'm pretty sure they were fun to party with but since I can't see their faces in this picture, I can't say for sure. However.....

.....I did scavenge their signage from outside the Mile High Station and then proceed to notify the Denver Sheraton that sustenance was needed.

A good time presented in photos.

Chargers Preview: Ed Hochuli Can't Save You Donkeys Now

On September 14th, 2008, after the Chargers defeat at Mile High, I knew that swift justice would be needed to right the pernicious officiating blunder that denied us a crucial road victory. As bad as the Chargers performed through the middle of the season though, it looked like our retribution would be stemmed until the 2009 season. But the Bolts of '08 rallied, the Broncos folded and justice in small measure had been served.

It is now 2009 and we are returning to Mile High with so much on the line. In our cross-hairs we can see outright control of the AFC West, the opportunity for additional confidence while playing on the road, but perhaps most importantly, a series split to neutralize season ending tie-break scenarios. With that said I still can't help but think that the November 22nd tilt at Mile High, for this fan, is a matter of avenging the wrongs wrought upon us by Arizona lawyer, Edward G. Hochuli. Excuse me Denver, but the Chargers are rolling and Ed can't save you now!

This preview will be unorthodox by nature. If you want statistics and trends you're coming to the wrong guy. My analysis is of the Stephen Colbert variety, which is to say that it comes straight from the gut. I go with what I feel, statistics be damned! Team match-ups and breakdowns? Nah! Last week revolved entirely around the notion that "Good Teams" win at home. The Chargers were at home so I didn't care that the opponent hailed from the mighty NFC East. The Chargers should have won that game and I didn't need offensive and defensive rankings to tell me why.

Here's what I'm lookin' at this Sunday:

Road Cookin'
The Broncos are returning home which tends to breed confidence, however there's a rub; you're only as good as your last game at home, and unfortunately for the Donks, it was a shellacking by the Steelers. Conversely, San Diego's last road game was a hard earned victory in the Eastern Time Zone. This fan scoffs at the idea that a mere 1 hour shift to the east could be any sort of obstacle. You want numbers? Here's what has happened the last few meetings in Denver: since 2006 the Chargers are 2-1 (3-0 if you discount the Hochuli Effect) and have scored over 35 points in all three contests. For the Chargers, fear does not exist in the Denver Dojo.

Charger Defense:
As of right now the jury is out on whether or not we'll see Orton or Simms. If Kyle Orton pulls a Willis Reed and carries his gimpy ass out there he'll need to feel fierce pressure. The sort of pressure that produces happy feet and makes him curse his ankle and the weather on every single down. Ron Rivera has been doing a nice job of blitzing from everywhere, including pressure from our safeties, so the Bolt D will need to continue this trend.

If Chris Simms is leading the charge it will be incumbant upon the Defense, to man up and stuff the run. Stack the box. With that gangly left arm, Chris Simms doesn't have the where with all to defeat a team down-field. He's a pump faking disaster whilst fumbling around the pocket. Get up in the box and stuff the run and then bring the house on the passing downs.

The Early Lead
The Chargers were successful for a multitude of reasons last Sunday none of which was more important than the early 14 point lead they staked their defense to. That lead forced the Eagles to panic and consequently stray from their running game. Norv needs to continue with the sort of innovative play calling that can produce quick early scores.

Red Zone Efficiency
The Eagles learned that while on the road you cannot let red zone opportunities end with FG attempts. In a difficult road test, the Chargers must heed this lesson and convert red zone trips into touchdowns. I like Nate Kaeding and all, but keep him off the field.

"Good teams" win at home. "Good teams" are capable of stealing wins on the road. "Good teams" don't get swept by division rivals. The Chargers, my friends, are a "Good team".

There will be no Salvation for the Broncos on this Charger visit......Ed Hochuli will be far from Denver.

Chargers 31 Broncos 17 (if Simms plays it'll be a hell of a lot worse)

2009 Bolts and Donks: Deja Vu All Over Again

Ordinarily I'd prefer to show a Charger-centric photo but this one said it all: Penalty Flag.

Editor's Note:
So I started this on Sunday and...... well.......it's late. Pizza always tastes good the next day, although this is two days late..... so if you get the "runs", we apologize.

Seriously? The Chargers have won their last four games and the Broncos have lost their last three. This phenomenon has positioned the Bolts to take sole possession of 1st place in the AFC West next Sunday at Mile High. Nice! Very Niiiiiiiiiice!!!

How sad for you. Hope you enjoyed the weather.

Quick notes regarding our beloved Lightening Bolt chuckers.

• The play calling from Norv was pretty dynamic when you subtract the two occasions where he tried to run the little fella on 3rd and short. Give it to LT.....or Tolbert.....or Hester...or even Manemalauna (did I spell that right?) in those situations. Just don't hand it to Sproles. He's small......seriously.....really small.
• Loved seeing Legedu in the Wildcat. One more wrinkle for teams to prepare for.
• LT got holes. LT got yards. Thus endeth the lesson.
• Addendum: offensive line created holes.
• Huge drive by Philip and the offense to eat up the clock and extend the lead to 8 points.
• "Good Teams" win at home. Perhaps we can now be discussed in that realm.
  

Negatives:

• Obviously seeing the offense give up 45o yards through the air hurts but while the D was bending all day it did not break. Red Zone defense yielded FGs not TDs.....and just like that I've turned the negative into a positive.
• Were we helped more by Philly shooting itself in the foot with penalties or by our performance? Eh...don't care.
  
• The Bud Light I was drinking was from the summer so it had exceeded its born-on date and just didn't taste that great. I instead had to enjoy the cool taste of Victory.
• We won and have a shot to take sole possession of first---there are no more negatives.

On to talk of the Denver Debacle:
We have a small contingent attending next week's game and it looked like it may be an uneventful trip around mid October but boy have the tides turned! They've turned so much so that Kyle Orton (injured on the play below) will more than likely be replaced by Chris Simms next Sunday. Chris Simms. Another resounding, SWEEEEEEEEEEET!

We're here to bring the funny and when we can't we look to Denver Broncos coach, Josh McDaniels to do it for us. Listen to the opening line of his post game press conference, after the Redskins game. Think he's got Bolts on the Brain? Thanks to Glorify the Past for the heads-up on this one.

On Our Way To Denver, Where Everyone Must Feel Dead

The best Denver related song there is. How you feelin' Denver?

Was last night's game in Denburgh?

I hope when our war party of Avengers attend the Chargers game in Denver on November 22nd we're as cozy as these Steeler fans. Look at how many Steeler fans made it to Mile High.

Denver Post columnist, Woody Paige, had some choice words for Bronco season ticket holders in today's column, Paige: Whose stadium is this anyway?:

The 20,000 season-ticket holders who sold their seats — in every section, on every level — to the Steelers' true loyalists should be ashamed. That wasn't a home game for the Broncos. It was a neutralized site.

With 2 1/2 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, the stadium had been emptied out — of orange pompom party poopers. All who remained were Women & Men In Black waving the Terrible Towels in victory.

Sick effort, Denver. If you don't want your tickets, at least scalp them to people who bleed orange, blue, mustard and brown.

I agree Woodrow! Pathetic display! Firstly, why wouldn't you want to see your 1st place team play against the defending champs? Secondly, this game was as important as they come; the Bolts are on a three game winning streak! Hey Woody, what have the Broncos done while the Bolts have climbed their way back into the AFC West race:

The Broncos are 6-2 at the midway juncture of the season but should have a better-feeling texture, because few outside or, even, inside the locker room believed the Broncos would be so lofty on Nov. 9. But the performances in Baltimore and at home (home?) this month have been more septic tank than antiseptic salve.

The Broncos have been outscored 58-17 and have permitted the Chargers to get back in the race.

Just as alarming, the Broncos have not scored in five of their past eight quarters; they have yet to score a touchdown on their first possession this season (but did burp a field goal after the opening kickoff against Pittsburgh); and the only touchdown scored on Monday night was not by the offense, but on a scoop-and- score fumble return.

One offensive touchdown in two games! That efficient offense managed by Orton has become ineffective and unmanageable. New school has become old-fashioned.

That's right the Chargers are back in the race. Now we just need to turn the city of Denver into Jack Murphy Field at Mile High. Get yourselves to Denver Bolt Backers! Woody, you go film another segment of ESPN's Around the Horn.

Oh, Woody Paige....seriously, have you ever watched this show? Train-wreck-ish.

Voodoo en Viernes on a Sunday Morning: Empower the Chargers and Steelers, damn the rest

The Voodoo has been on tilt so let's switch it up this week.

Rather than hex Brandon Marshall into having another arm-through-the-TV experience, where tendons are severed, arteries are narrowly missed and Denver management is thoroughly pissed let's instead empower his opponent. Let's arm the Pittsburgh Steelers with voodoo.

To this end, Avenging Jack Murphy has joined forces with Steelers Blog, One For The Other Thumb to rally against the Denver Donkeys this Monday Night. AJM took part in the weekly (err...sometimes) segment called Meeting People Is Easy whereby questions, both pertinent and inane related to that week's game, are asked of Steeler fans......and me, representative of the West. In the words of Jim Morrison; "The West is best."

Now don't be myopic on this one! Our enemy's(Broncos) enemy(Steelers) is our friend(Steelers...this week anyway). Also OFTOT is always funny even if it is a Steeler blog, so check it out. Go Steelers(this week)!

Here's a snippet from Meeting People is Easy (click to enlarge):

Representing the West. Click here for the rest of the panelists' answers.

It goes without saying that your Eli Manning Voodoo doll should be disfigured by 12:58 PST.

Go Chargers! Show you belong this week.

SDUT Polls: How will the Bolts finish?/Utilitarianism!/Uruguayan Rugby?

I haven't given up hope that the Chargers might be able to put something together* and make the playoffs..........but really.......there's nearly 5000 people who think they'll WIN THE AFC WEST! That scenario would require the Donkeys' week 8 charter flight en route to Baltimore to plummet into the Rockies, killing all passengers...... or at least forcing the survivors to eat one another.

Watch out for Elvis Dumervil**; that beast will either devour everyone in sight or sustain the beleaguered survivors for 8 days. I suggest using John Stuart Mill's theories on utilitarianism to justify eating the NFL's sack leader......or use the film Alive.

* Let's not forget that in both 2007 and 2008 the Chargers frustrated us to no end with 2-3 records. Funny stuff happens in the NFL and the line between winning and losing is much like the one that exists when confronted with the decision to eat your best mate after a crash in the Andes; somewhat blurry and very thin.

**My wife texted me regarding Elvis Dumervil at the game Monday Night after it looked like the Broncos had it won:

That damn Dumbledoor!

My wife is funny but I had no idea what she meant. She explained. I laughed.

Tuesday Morning Analysis

www.chargers.com

We stink.

Seriously, do we even need to discuss this? What's the point? Look at that picture---those are home uniforms---if you can't win at home in October you have little chance on the road in December.

Really? Neither the Union Tribune or the Chargers Website could get any pictures of the Charger Girls in their retro outfits. It just keeps getting worse.

Chargers Postgame Videocast: Bucked By The Broncos [619 Sports.net]
Broncos saddle Bolts with hard-to-swallow loss [UT-Kevin Acee]
This team has fallen flat, fast [UT-Nick Canepa]
Tables have turned for Chargers [UT-Tim Sullivan]

Silver Linings: Jay Cutler Still Plays Like A Lady

I am attractive.....and prone to accepting false prophets

There is a silver lining to the Broncos getting off to such a stellar start; it makes Jay Cutler look like an even bigger douche and that is soooooooo satisfying. There is no player I root against more than The Little Hillbilly (Silver Medal: Randy Moss).

Now that TLH is out of the AFC West I'm forced to root against my birth team, the Chicago Bears---a burden I never thought I'd bear. No longer do I boast a vested interest in the Monsters of the Midway so I have no concern with their standing but I had never actively rooted against them*.....until Jay Cutler arrived. A Jay Cutler Hater must do what a Jay Cutler Hater must do.

Seeing statistics like the ones below make me warm.....

JC's red zone gaffes and another loss makes me feel fuzzy......

Feeling warm and fuzzy going into Monday Night Football tomorrow.....priceless. I'll miss seeing Jay Cutler FAIL on Jack Murphy's Field; your turn Kyle Orton.

*Not entirely true. The 2007 home opener saw me root For the Bolts/Against the Bears. But there was no loathing towards any of their players nor the team itself. Time brings change.

Voodoo en Viernes: The Wrath Of The Denver Donkey Throwback Swirly Socks

It goes without saying, that from a Charger perspective, this week is crazy critical.

Not long ago, when I bought tickets for the upcoming Monday Night Legacy game against the Broncos, I figured I'd be attending a complete laugher of a contest. The only legitimate concerns on game night were if I could 'pace' myself accordingly so as to be an effective human at the job on Tuesday...... and whether or not the Bronco throwback swirly socks might afflict me with a case of Vertigo.

Those are authentic concerns.....and now I have to worry about the fact that the Broncos are actually good........and that they could beat us at home......and that a loss would, in effect, bring a premature close to the Chargers' season? Hells Bells!!!

We had better run some righteous voodoo at the Donkeys for the Monday night battle. Last week we called for the "Something About Mary Prom Night Zipper Incident" to disable wunderkind coach Josh McDaniels, and if you saw the way he was dancing around after the game, pumping his fists, I'm pretty sure his nuts were stuck in the track.....

The problem however was that he enjoyed the crotch shot. We'll leave McDaniels out of it and again go after Orton once again this week. This guy has got to come back to Earth, no? I'm hesitant to destroy Brandon Marshall because he's one of my hottest weapons on The Tila Tequila Choke Slam........but I'm a Charger fan first. Post any creative ideas for debilitating hardships in the comments section.

It's not the brown and yellow making me sick.....it's the..... vertigo...hmm..ergg

The TTCS has running backs on byes and myriad issues so I'll put the hex on both of my opponents QBs; Kurt Warner and Kyle Orton. As bad as the Bolts' defense is, I'd think Orton's coming my way but you never know.....so you're on notice, Kurt Warner.

Awwww, Crap: Denver Broncos are 5-0

For More: The Denver Post

MEMO
To: Antonio Cromartie
From: Brandon Marshall
Date: Right after we shocked New England in OT
Re: The stiff-arm I'm going to give you if you try and tackle me like a girl

The Voodoo didn't quite work in regards to the Denver Broncos/New England Patriots game and that's on me, small miscalculation. In properly calibrating Voodoo one must always factor who the evil is being directed at. While under ordinary circumstances requesting a Donkey loss due to Josh McDaniels zipping up his nuts in pre-game is more than reasonable I erred in my evaluation of the total request. Bill Belichick is evil incarnate so asking Voodoo to act in conjunction with his vile persona actually nullifies said Voodoo. Like I said....my bad.

Denver has me worried. They seem to actually be good. After the Chargers performance in Pittsburgh, the Bolts have me worried. They seem to actually be bad. A recipe for disaster? Let's take a look at Denver's schedule:

They've got a tough schedule remaining. Traveling to Baltimore, Indy, and Philly is not easy. Taking on Pittsburgh and the G-Men at home, muy dificil. I would even say that going to Washington following physical games at Baltimore and then home against the Steelers is a miserable stretch of games. Not to mention they have to play us twice. They're good but they'll be challenged down the stretch.

How about the Chargers' schedule:

Easier because we've already played Baltimore and Pitt. G-Men in NY is no good but we get the Eagles at home. Bengals have been playing well but they've got to come here and then the Titans and Redskins both suck and they'll be playing for nothing, on and after Jesus' birthday.

Of course it's all moot if we don't start playing defense. The Broncos have defense.

Back to Voodoo. I threw it down on Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne and while Manning blew up, the preponderance of FF points went to the little white receiver whose wife quizzes him on the playbook each night before he goes to bed (maybe I should pick that fella up on waivers---what was his name?). So the Big Two were held in check.......did you see Reggie Wayne drop that easy pass in the end zone? Voodoo. The Tila Tequila Choke Slam is climbin' the charts.

On another note: there are some really crappy teams in the NFL this year. Even teams that are crappy are blowing teams out. My pick 'em leagues are not going well.

Voodoo en Viernes: Week 5

During the 2008 season this site concocted a strange brew of Buddhist counsel, Jessica Alba praise, and down-home voodoo. An odd amalgam of beliefs to be sure but functional as well. The above combination of world views led to the San Diego Chargers finishing the season on an astounding 4 game victory run coupled with the collapse of the Denver Broncos. The post-season also saw us reap modest success with the creation of the Manning De Milo. 2008 came to an unceremonious close though when the right mix of Voodoo failed to stem the DPOY and the eventual champion, Pittsburgh Steelers.

The results were undeniable: Dalai Lama/Jessica Alba/Voodoo yields victories (5-1).

The process of creating Voodoo dolls however is painstakingly tedious; a sap to my resource of time as well as finance. So for the early part of this year, good reader, you will have to settle for images of voodoo rather than three-dimensional representations.....we'll save those for the post season ( // I cross my fingers).

While I didn't think I'd have to muster the Voodoo so early, it returns today, entering week 5 of the NFL season in a segment called Voodoo en Viernes (that's Friday in Espanol for all the gueros out there).

Los Chargers. They're on the Bye this week but it doesn't mean we can't throw 'em a bone. Denver must lose and they've got the Patriots comin' to Mile High for week 5 so it is with that in mind that we throw a little bad juju at the Donkeys. Josh McDaniels is facing his mentor in Bill Belichick so the most non-lethal yet distracting impediment we can shower upon Denver's young coach is a beauty from the year 1998. We'll go with the prom night/rest room/ zipper/nut incident from Something About Mary. McDaniels will remain a functioning man but most one who is uncomfortable and prone to poor decision making against the Genius, Bill Belichick.

We'll also throw a little curse on the QB, Kyle Orton:

He doesn't look too competent in that photo.......here's to him tying one on the night before the big game because we all know that altitude affects your tolerance. Come back to Earth you bearded man!!!

AJM will also be throwing a little hex towards Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne. What did they do to deserve such wrath, you ask? Well here's the thing: my Fantasy Football team, The Tila Tequila Choke Slam, is in the crapper at 1-3. However my opponent who happens to have scored LESS points than The TTCS has a gaudy 3-1 record. Ahh, Yes. In one of those frustrating conundrums of the fantasy football world, I'm two games behind because while outscoring my rival I've nearly had 100 MORE points scored against me. That's Bush League Bull Crap and as such, Clark and Wayne must pay!!! Minor hamstring and quad tweaks is all we ask, resulting in precautionary rest. They're good fellas we just need to minimize scoring to get The TTCS back on track.

Need some Voodoo? Post it in the comments section.

No Chargers game, so no Sunday night sadness.

Enjoy Week 5

Charger Fan In Donkey Land: Week 4 Steelers

Picture courtesy of www.chargers.com

The hype was there as the days' games came to a close and the night game was upon us. Our opportunity to get a win against the Steelers in Pittsburgh was at our fingertips. LT coming back, which one would have assumed would have allowed us more balance between the run and pass on the offensive side of the ball.

Instead we were quickly reminded how banged up we are on the defensive side of the ball.

The Steelers opened things up with pass after pass, moving the ball at pace, down the field. Then right before our eyes, what looked like a broken play on the defensive side, but with the Steeler receiver appearing to only get one foot down, it left me saying, "wow that was close". To my surprise the official ran to the spot and signaled it a completion. I calmly said, "throw the flag....you yellow bellied bastard!"** However, NORV neglected to throw the flag and the play stood. Before I could blink they were in the end zone. Not that a single play on that first drive decided the game, but come on, we are issued a RED flag for reasons such as these. THROW THE DAMN FLAG NORV!

As the offense took the field, the confidence was there that we were going to drive right down the field and tie this game quickly. After all, the Bears and the Bengals didn't have much difficulty doing so. Instead we played as we have all season; a dismal first series to begin the game and gave the ball right back to the opponent. In this case it was the Steelers, who showed us the areas where we were affected by injury. Running up the gut on us would NOT happen should big 76 be in there at nose tackle. Unfortunately for Stephen Cooper, he is not, and we saw time and time again what its like to not have that presence in the middle.

As the game progressed and the deficit grew, I kept hope as I always do that we would turn things around allowing us the opportunity to get the win. Those of you who know me well, know that I carry confidence of a Win from the opening kick off until the last whistle.

We found ourselves far behind, but we never for a moment showed any sign of quit. Instead we began doing what we should have been doing all game long. (Future Note To Norv: Dammit!! We better open it up like that earlier next time so we can put some points on the board before we're dead and buried). Gates was a man out there, and seeing him utilized properly was an encouraging sign. Jackson stepped up as we have come to expect, and there was even a Chambers sighting on Sunday.

We gave them a scare on Sunday Night, but when it really came down to it our defense was not up to the challenge. That is where the concern lies moving forward. Our game plan moving forward must allow for the offense to open things up from the get go and put points on the board. That is a recipe that will reward us some wins, as we must compensate for our lack luster defense this season.

Enjoy the bye week gentlemen (and ladies), and be ready to come back in two weeks when we are more healthy and ready to show the Donkey's that they are overrated and have been nothing but lucky.

It is our opportunity to right things and put the Donkey's and baby Belichick in their rightful place. The losing side of the ball game.

Why would you call him Baby Belichick?

Keep your heads held high and we shall prevail. Out of this bye week we'll return with a sense of purpose as we go on our run to the post season.

BOLT PRIDE!

Charger Fan in Donkey Land

Editor's Note:
**I added the "yellow bellied bastard". Creative license.

The Mope Is On The Block

Nearly 60 % of Bronco fans want Cutler to hit the skids and just shy of 10% could give two shits.

We're here to say that we voted, "don't care", but in the end, all that matters is what Bronco Owner Pat Bowlen thinks.....

"Numerous attempts to contact Jay Cutler in the last 10 days, both by head coach Josh McDaniels and myself, have been unsuccessful," Bowlen said in a statement. "A conversation with his agent earlier today clearly communicated and confirmed to us that Jay no longer has any desire to play for the Denver Broncos. We will begin discussions with other teams in an effort to accommodate his request to be traded."

-From The Denver Post
3/31/09

This is one of those moments where the wise counsel of a father is indispensable. Young Jay can respectfully look Pa Cutler in the eye and intently listen as Father compels him with the back of his hand to , "SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!!!"

Alas, father too, lacks the rationality that most sentient beings possess. That is bad for Cutler......here's to his shipment to Detroit along with the perfect accompanying soundtrack for him to listen to on his bus to nowhere (or Detroit).

Bowlen: Cutler is gone
[Denver Post-Mike Klis]

Comments any one? Post 'em if you got 'em! We're disappointed that McJayGate is going away. Cutler is righteous drama.

In other sporting news:
A young woman danced with the stars...