African Proverbs: Padres Players Edition

Earlier in the month we attempted to show how Orlando Hudson would have benefited from exposure to proverbs at some point in his life. Then we sought to explain the actions of the Padres Front Office through small pieces of African wisdom. This is the third installment of the African Proverb series -- the Padres Players Edition.

 

When he was a young boy Mark Kotsay would sit with his grandfather and talk. While Kotsay the younger would speak with his grandfather about baseball and his dreams of doing it at the next level they were frequently interrupted by Grandmother Kotsay. She would traverse the room speaking in non-sequiturs and proverbs. 

 

The overall scope of the proverbs she spoke in was astounding but she seemed to frequently gravitate to a foundation of West African wisdom. Young Kotsay often heard the following from his grandmother:

He who marries a real beauty is seeking trouble. ~Accra (Ghana)

Clearly, Mark did not listen to Grandmother Kotsay. 

 Not only is his wife a beauty they've been married since the days of Mark Kotsay's first tour in San Diego, ten years ago. Grandma ain't always right.

 

Chase Headley is an oft maligned player in San Diego. He was advertised as a savior of sorts but during his time in San Diego he has fallen short of those early messianic projections. Instead he has become a solid ball player, a description many in MLB would die for. Without the HRs though, fans tend not to see his contributions. But Headley plugs on . . .

It is better to walk than curse the road. ~ Wolof (Senegal)

With patience at the plate and a blind eye to the criticism from without, Chase Headley exemplifies the ethos of the Wolof which is why he will be a guest of honor in Senegal in November when the 2012 season concludes.

 

Cameron Maybin lived through the accolades of being a highly touted prospect and the tribulations of a trade to Florida which saw him unable to crack a line-up permanently. The fragile psyche of athletes whose success is defined by a 70% failure rate often find themselves unable to cope with such disappointments as those endured by Maybin. 

 

As a 19 year-old playing for the West Michigan Whitecaps of the Midwest League, Cameron Maybin listened closely to the words of a Swahili teammate named Phil Napolitan. Napolitan counseled Maybin with this proverb of his people:

There is no bad patience. ~Swahili

Preparing to start his second season in San Diego the patience has paid-off for the young center fielder. With talk of a contract extension on the horizon, Cameron Maybin is now spoken of as an anchor for future Padres teams.

 

African proverbs -- they explain so much.

The Oldest Pitching Match-up . . . EVAR!

In last week's Gwynn Thoughts I discussed Tony Gwynn. Yes, yes, but there was more!

The game in which he was immortalized with an eternal statue featured a pitching match-up between old timers David Wells and Jaime Moyer. They combined for a whopping 88 years and 307 days which is older than most of the trees in southern California.* This particular match-up between Wells and Moyer in 2007, in terms of collective ages, was the second oldest in baseball history.

*I cannot verify this.

The record was set 20 years earlier when two future Hall of Famers locked horns . . .

***
The Pitchers: Hall of Famers Phil Niekro and Don Sutton

***
A blistering paced 2:40 minute game.

***
Both old guys featured in the decision. Niekro worked 7.1 innings for the win and Sutton threw 8 in the loss.

***
Sutton gave up two HRs: one to Corey Snyder in the 5th inning and another to Brook Jacoby in the 8th. In late "1980s terms" Corey Snyder had the GWRBI.

***
Ah, the 1980s. A simple time when kids collecting baseball cards held hope that the former Olympian would allow them to retire rich one day.

During that 1987 season Snyder would hit 33 HRs but strikeout almost 5 times as much he walked (31:166), compiling a not-so-stellar .273 OBP. It was 1987 . . . we didn't look at OBP.

***
Sutton's battery mate was fellow Hall of Famer Bob Boone, pride of Crawford High School and father of former Padre Brett Boone. The AJM Mother-in-law went to HS with Bob Boone. I think she described him as arrogant. Not sure. Anyway, Boone was 39 when this game was played. Oldest battery mates? I'm going to go with . . . probably?

The Real Question

How could an AL game featuring designated hitters and the oldest sumbitchtes to ever play the game fly by in 2 hours and 40 minutes?

A fast paced AL ballgame featuring designated hitters becomes feasible when 10 of 18 starters have OPSs below .700 and of those 10, 7 are below .655.

The Angles' Bryan Downing was the one statistical beast featured in this battle between the California/Anaheim/ Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Cleveland Indians. His 950 OPS far surpassed what anyone else was doing on these teams during the early months of the 1987 season.

At this stage of his career, Downing was already 37 and had been in the league for 14 years. The 1987 season was the only one in which Bryan Downing ever led the league in an offensive category when he walked 106 times. His OPS would finish at .886 after hitting 29 HRs and 29 doubles.

The Moral Of Our Incomplete Little Story

American League games can finish within a reasonable time frame if the right combination of flotsam are trotted out onto the field. For both teams.

Cory Snyder failed we children of the 80s. Forced to work, we lament the day we envisioned golden retirements, provided through cardboard commodities.

Decrepit, soft-tossing pitchers are capable of accruing many wins over their careers. It's easier said than done.

Brian Downing was pretty f*&#ing cool . . .

Well, he was cool in the 80s.

Padres, Dead Kennedys, and A Holiday In Peoria

After a short drive I tried to piece together my upcoming trip to Peoria. As the legs of the event began to fall into place in my mind the Dead Kennedys' Holiday in Cambodia began to play on the radio. And as any fool will tell you, Cambodia and Peoria rhyme perfectly, so I began to pen a song.

This song is based on my one experience in Peoria last season, which inexplicably found me in the Press Box at the Peoria Sports Complex viewing the first game of Spring Training. The song is also pieced together from the musings of Corey Brock of Padres.com and the North County Times' Dan Hayes, two authority figures on Peoria Arizona . . .


I suggest that you simultaneously play the music of the Dead Kennedys and sing my lyrics loudly enough to drown out Jello Biafra.

So you been to Arizona
For a year or two
And you know you've seen it all
Iconic hookups at the bar
Urinal rendezvous from afar
I guess the writing was on the wall


Play the Atari's theme
To charge up the team
On the park's five grand stereo
Braggin' that you know
How Bill Center feels old
And the Press box got so much soul


It's time to hear what you most fear
Nickleback will not help you here
Brace yourself, dear Friiii - - ar:
Brace yourself, dear Friiii - -ar:


It's a holiday in Peoria
It's tough wearin' #75, kid, but it's life
It's a holiday in Peoria
Don't forget to call your wife
[* To the poor guy who has little chance of making the squad]


See guys like Hoffy get to teach
Ausmus shows a catcher how to reach
Blacky and Balls work with the arms
Corey, Dan, and Uncle Ted observe
The next big thing's 12-to-6 curve
But the unproven 'pen sounds alarms


Well you'll work harder
With a radar gun in your back
For a Waffle House meal a day
A slave for Salty's
Chips and salsa 'till you starve
Then your guts are ruined until May
[*A message for the Padres fan turned intern]


Now you can go where people drink in the sun
Now you can go where fans watch players run
What you need, my Padre:
What you need, my Padre:


Is a holiday in Peoria
Where people dress in blue, sand, orange, and brown
A holiday in Peoria
Where the cracks of bats will sound


Bud Black, Bud Black, Bud Black, Bud Black, [etc]


And it's a holiday in Peoria
Where you'll do what you're told
A holiday in Peoria
Where the Arizona slums got so much soul


Bud Black!

RJ's Fro and Ducksnorts are accomplished musicians so I expect that our trip next weekend will yield an acoustic production of this song -- during our Holiday in Peoria.

You can't always get what you want

I really want to like Orlando Hudson. Let me amend that statement -- I really don't want to dislike guys who play for the Padres. 

I don't care to critique guys I ultimately need to cheer for in order for the Padres to attain success.

Yet here I am, during the week before position players are required to report to Peoria, Arizona and I've already ripped into Orlando Hudson twice. I'm bashing a guy who showed up early to camp!

But it could all be solved quite easily . . .


I guess it all comes down to the roles of those writing the stories: beat writers and columnists.

Perhaps it's not within the purview of beat writers to ask the dirty little questions (see: critical) I have in mind, on account of needing access to ballplayers every day. The columnist (and blogger) can get away with the scathing criticism more readily than the guy covering the beat.

So what is it that I want, you ask? 

I want Orlando Hudson to be asked, not about tossing the ball into the stands with two outs last season, but his comments afterwards regarding it being funny. Orlando Hudson probably thinks it was a benign comment but the truth is that a great deal of animosity towards him was developed when, on a last place team, he was able to laugh it off. Ask him about that.

I want Orlando Hudson to address his comments toward fans who booed Brad Hawpe last season. I love that he stood up for his teammate but I loathe that he called out fans with his condescending and entitled remarks.

I want Orlando Hudson to comment on his Twitter account, although verified as his, was clearly being operated by someone else -- and was ripping into critical fans.

That's what I want. I'm not likely to get it but a fan can dream. The odds are good that I wouldn't like O-Dog's answers anyway. Orlando Hudson, in his insulated little world, appears to simply think the way he thinks. But if he recanted, even a bit, I could get in the guy's corner.

****
On a side note:

I imagine yesterday was the day Orlando Hudson was made completely available to reporters as each of the guys (Corey, Dan, and Bill) submitted a story on the Padres second baseman. I can see Orlando Hudson holding court in the middle of the locker room, talking a mile-a-minute, slapping the rear-ends of new guys like Andrew Cashner and Edinson Volquez as they make it to the showers. I digress.

My point? Look at the variation in quotes from Corey Brock's article and Bill Center's.

Corey Brock:

"I guess when you go out and play hard ... things like that happen. If you don't play hard, it comes back that he don't give a damn, he don't care," Hudson said. "You go out and keep doing what you're doing. I'm not going to change the way I play."

Bill Center:

“I guess when you go out and play hard, things like that happen. If you don’t play hard, it comes back that you don’t care. You go out and keep doing what you’re doing. I’m not going to change the way I play.

 Assuming they were huddled around Hudson at the same time I find that kind of weird. If 'kind of weird' is a bit vague, I mean to say that quote #2 looks cleaned up. I guess the UT is a family fish-wrap now.

Orlando Hudson's Act of Contrition . . . not really

The Union Tribune's Bill Center has given Orlando Hudson a forum to reconstruct a tattered image. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to either reject or accept his act of contrition . . .



Orlando Hudson says he never got his feet on the ground last season.

It's possible to simultaneously have one's head up their ass and to also have their feet on the ground. It's all science. I reject Bill Center's assertion.

“It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t fun at all,” the veteran second baseman said Wednesday of a 2011 season that saw him twice land on the disabled list and finish with one of the weaker campaigns of his career. 

This is a lie. If you laugh you're having fun. And when Orlando Hudson threw a ball into the stands last year he said he laughed about it. Because it was funny.

Laughter = fun.

This applies to nearly everyone except a particular subset of clowns whose performance is based on successfully creating balloon twisting animals and objects. These clowns are often tipped so poorly for their efforts that they no longer have souls despite the projection of a prodigiously painted smile.

Just havin' fun

“We’re all human,” he continued. “Flush it and go.”

As the father of infants, I don't appreciate the bathroom humor but I suppose I can accept this strategy. Mr. Hudson might be making strides in a direction fans would deem forward.

“This year is a different year,” said Hudson. “Last year was a little strange. It happens to everybody. You can’t be disappointed about it, you’ve got to keep playing, keep going hard.”

Disappointment is a colossal waste of time. How very Buddhist of him. He's like a Bodhisattva over there at second base. I dub thee, O-Dog-sattva.

Said Hudson: “I guess when you go out and play hard, things like that happen. If you don’t play hard, it comes back that you don’t care."

O-Dog-sattva is confusing me. Has he learned a lesson or is he chastising fans for forcing him to play hard to earn his money, the implication being that if he would have eased back on the throttle he never would have suffered any injuries?

IT'S! YOUR! FAULT! SAN DIEGO!

Hudson’s 2011 statistics included a career-low .246 batting average over 119 games, which was the second-fewest played in his career.

O-Dog-sattva showed up to work 73% of the time. On days that he did show up to work he was successful at his job less than 25% of the time. He was paid 100% of his salary -- which is roughly 1 Gazillion dollars more than I will make in my lifetime.

Man, the O-Dog-sattva is doing it right.

However, there was a perception in the extended Padres family, including fans, that the 34-year-old switch-hitter wasn’t all-in. Greeting rivals who reached second didn’t win Hudson points. Neither did tossing a ball into the stands with one out, then later making light of the incident.

Aldous Huxley once wrote, "There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception".

And then Jim Morrison started a band and got hopped up on mescaline. The point is drugs are bad for the artist but great for he who admires the art.

It sounds like I'm advocating the use of performance enhancing drugs so the O-Dog-sattva can boost his anemic numbers -- which I'm not at all proposing. Unless he wants to do it. And has a way to do it without getting caught. Wait. Getting caught would lead to a suspension . . .

At this point I don't know if we need steroids or mescaline. F&%k!

“I want to help this team any way I can.”
The Crash Davis School of Cliches . . . this is a step forward! Nice going O-Dog-sattva.

//I'm a jerk. And I cannot help myself

Edinson Volquez: Haircuts and Success

On Dan Hayes' blog this morning he wrote a teaser to an upcoming article about newly acquired RHP, Edinson Volquez.

A quote from Volquez confirmed what I have long thought to be a key to his future success:

"Right now, the way my hair feels, I think I'm going to have a good season this year," Volquez said. "I'm ready."

I couldn't agree more with Volquez. Look at the before and after shots of his hair.

Is Volquez' move from baseball's equivalent of an 1860s outhouse (Great American Ballpark) to the cavernous environs of PETCO Park going to help his psyche and consequently his performance? Sure.

Does it help that he's now another season removed from Tommy John surgery? Of course.

That his drug suspension is even further in his past? Undoubtedly.

Will the tutelage of Darren Balsley and Bud Black serve him more suitably than Dusty Baker, destroyer of young arms? YES!

A theme has developed surrounding Edinson Volquez and there is little question of whether he is set up for success in his new home at 19 Tony Gwynn Dr.

But allow me to break it down unscientifically for you: it's the hair.

Hair like that is bad karma for ball players*. If you can't fit your hat on straight all of the goodness within your body, your aura so to speak, shifts and your game goes in the crapper -- unless you're a lefty, which Volquez clearly is not.

 *Don't tell me about Manny Ramirez. Guy's as off as they come.

So it all comes back to the hair and I'm ecstatic that Volquez realizes it too. Good luck in 2012, Mr. Volquez.

[Editor's Update]

I totally misread that quote. Hayes wrote:

"Right now, the way I feel, I think I'm going to have a good season this year," Volquez said. "I'm ready."

It's neither here nor there. I stand by my unscientific assessment of Edinson Volquez' hair. I still expect great things.

Things Bud Black has outlasted

I read the opening paragraph of Bill Center's article this morning and immediately stopped.

My mind was blown after reading these words written about Padres manager Bud Black:

 " . . . where he begins his sixth spring training as Padres manager Monday."

It seems like only yesterday that Bud Black arrived from Anaheim and the Bruce Bochy Era concluded. Yet here he is, beginning his 6th season with the Padres.

The only thing I could think of in response to this piece of information was to make a reference to a long running sit-com that I've never even watched. But Bud Black deserves better than that.

Bud Black should be applauded for making it to a 6th season as not everyone / everything has such staying power.

Here's a list of things that weren't as fortunate to make it to a sixth year. . .

Nirvana
With Nirvana's release of their debut album Bleach in June of 1989 and the subsequent suicide of Kurt Cobain in April of 1994 the seminal rock band failed to even make it to the 5 year mark.  
Bud Black > Flannel Apparel and Three Chord Guitar Progressions

Gale Sayers
Technically the career of the Kansas Comet lasted form 1965-1971 but catastrophic knee injuries cut his run of greatness short. Sayers only played two games in both the 1970 and 1971 seasons which by my count leaves his career at a full five seasons in the NFL.  
Bud Black > 1960's Knee Reconstruction

The Wire
The epic HBO series, portraying the urban decay of Baltimore as described by David Simon and Ed Burns, lasted a full 5 seasons and then called it quits.
Bud Black > Jimmy McNulty + Omar Little

Saved By The Bell: The College Years
Tiffani-Amber Thiessen was so good looking in 1993 she could have carried The College Years through a four year undergraduate program and a masters thesis. Alas, the series ended after one season.
Bud Black > Kelly Kapowski

Star Wars
Over the span of 28 years the George Lucas successfully brought 5* feature length Star Wars films to the big screen. I'm fudging with the parameters here but in terms of output it's more important to count the films and not the years in which they spanned.
Bud Black >  George Lucas' Dialogue and Jar Jar Binks

*Most Star Wars aficionados acknowledge that The Phantom Menace sucked horribly. As such I have not included it. And Bud Black wins.

The Greco-Persian Wars
Taken in tandem, the two invasions of Greece by the mighty Persian armies of Darius and Xerxes, lasted less than five years. Considering the superior strength of Persia and the fact that Greece ultimately won it's astonishing that these wars didn't last longer. Bud Black would have destroyed Greece.
Bud Black > Ancient History and its Commanders

The San Diego Padres
The Padres made it through 5 seasons in San Diego and then in 1974 were on the verge of moving to Washington DC. Had Ray Kroc not swooped in to save the day we'd be saying that Bud Black also outlasted the San Diego Padres . . . or would we? Feel free to contemplate this existential dilemma.
Bud Black = Ray Kroc (?)

Bud Black has yet to make the playoffs in San Diego but his tenure should be commended nonetheless. I foresee greatness for Bud Black. All he needs is the right number of years under his belt.