Raul Ibanez came out guns blazin' against "42 year old bloggers who live in their parent's basement" when it was proclaimed that his HR production could possibly be the by-product of performance enhancing drugs. The point of the blog post was that, unfortunately in MLB, everyone is suspect because---history tells us so. Ibanez would hear of this 'accusation' by the Midwest Sports Fans, and claim:
"You can have my urine, my hair, my blood, my stool - anything you can test. I'll give you back every dime I've ever made [if the test is positive]."
"I'll put that up against the jobs of anyone who writes this stuff. Make them accountable. There should be more credibility than some 42-year-old blogger typing in his mother's basement. It demeans everything you've done with one stroke of the pen."
In reality, Ibanez's frustrations are somewhat misdirected. After all, the bloggers in question really only discussed (and tried to refute) what many fans have thought to themselves.........
"Who was the last 37 year old slugger who saw a marked increase in HR production?"
We're about to help redirect Raul Ibanez's frustration......these 42 year old basement dwellers are but a microcosm in the long line of humans who he should really be lashing out against. Let us begin with:
Dudes Who Don't Like Sports:
Ibanez should be gathering his recent 2009-All-Star-Bid-Supporting-Cabal to attack this segment of the population. These 'men' do absolutely nothing to contribute to Ibanez's $10 million dollar salary. They are a drag on the MLB's economy as well as a thorn in the side of all sports talking men.
These are the boyfriends/husbands who we are forced to hang out with when the ladies have a get-together. They are quickly ostracized for not being able to follow our conversations. To them, Raul Ibanez might as well be a Latin American dictator installed via a CIA sponsored coup de etat. Attack these 42 year old homeowners, Raul.....they do not contribute to your bottom line and they provide awkward moments of silence in the social settings we are forced to be a part of.
Blog Commenters
Bloggers can be critical but it's often those that comment who wield the mightiest sword
That is Fuc%*ng foul!!! But funny nonetheless.
Nice to get a Splendid Splinter reference....also a shout for San Diego.
Poetic...yet a mockery of Ibanez's plea for acceptance.
What's worse, Raul? The Deadspin article or those who comment? Those fellas are vicious and will unleash their cleverness on you like a hammer. Although, as sports fans who are committed to reading about sports they probably watch a fair amount and also help line your pockets. Just get a thick skin for this one....Philadelphia thick.
Poetic...yet a mockery of Ibanez's plea for acceptance.
Fans Who Road Trip To See Their Teams
Raul----These people are dangerous. They will seek you out on the road and pester you to have a drink with them. Before you know it you'll be reliving the movie The Hangover. You'll never see these guys again so no explanation will be forthcoming as to why you woke up still bald, but with sideburns and mayonnaise in your ear. There will still be no explanation that accompanies the pictures distributed country wide that include you passed out with an unidentified nut-sack dangling over your forehead. Do not accept drinks and shots from these fans.....they are dangerous.....much more dangerous than bloggers. They too are 42 years old but very willing "to get crazy" because their wives gave them hall passes for the weekend. Be wary, Raul.
Fans Who Cry Over Team losses
You weren't crying as the losses mounted in Seattle nor should these pathetic fans. It's really sad and we'd be better off Raul, if you went after kids like this....although they do contribute mightily to your bottom line. Without this group of die-hards multi-year contracts in excess of $30 million would be impossible. You might need to go easy on him......your choice.
These fools are living vicariously through you via your #29 pin-striped Philly jersey........and they WILL sell your autograph once they get it. Do not allow this exploitation of your labor and renown. These 42 year-olds who accost you are assuredly living in their mom's basement. Shun them.
Face/Body Painters
On the Spectrum of Over-the-Top Sports Fans these people are the most dangerous as their most defining characteristic is having a chemical imbalance. They are a minority and contribute very little to society in general. They contribute even less to Raul Ibanez's bottom line. These are 42 year-olds who have their mothers paint them silly before heading out to the ballpark and Raul Ibanez would do well to issue a public condemnation of their idiocy. Bloggers have nothing on this faction....
In summation: Raul Ibanez should worry less about keyboard wielding bloggers (and what they didn't actually write) and instead focus his energy on the miserable spectrum of fans discussed above....they are the true antagonists. Of course he could also lash out at his contemporaries......the ones who have been found to be drug cheats, and in the process, tarnished the images of all clean players in Major League Baseball.
Editor's Disclaimer:
I AM a dude who likes sports but I have never cried over a loss.
I do comment on other blogs but do not seek out autographs while wearing my jersey in support of said team I am following around the country......all illicit photos of compromised ball players "getting clowned" are under lock and key awaiting an appropriate time for release.
I would NEVER be a body painter....I am however, ashamed of the ONE time I painted my face in high school. Sometimes experience is the best teacher.
Obviously I write a blog that unwittingly creates an environment where Raul Ibanez can maximize his profit potential through unwarranted hype and exposure. He is a benefactor of my dedication to a frivolous hobby.
Due to California's daily battle with plate tectonics my mother is precluded from having a basement. I am not 42 years old.
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