Some Hate For The Hump Day: Jake Delhomme, The Carolina Panthers, and a Raider To Be Named Later

How can someone be so freakin' bad at Quarterback? Jake Delhomme is a horrid professional! This guy has 18 INTs in his last seven games (including last year's playoff game). He's a useless Cajun who needs to retire, and return to the bayous of Louisiana......

......so a crocodile can feast on his crotch.....and all other useless body parts! All of them!!!

It's my own fault for siding with the Panthers in my Survivor Pool. God forbid I pick the Panthers to win at home against a lowly Bills squad......who was missing its starting QB.....and could only score six points against the Cleveland Browns. How stupid of me! The Panthers destroyed the Bills in every meaningful statistical category except for points on the scoreboard. F*ck!!!

Crocodile, Jake!!!!! Crocodile!!!!!

It's Raider week: allow me to recommend the Richard Seymour hate on a plate.

From the New England Patriots to the Hapless Raiders. Once a douche, always a douche.

Survivor Pool Week 6

So I took the Packers this week in my Survivor Pool...or should I say that for the second consecutive week I opted for a team that was squaring off against the Detroit Lions. I knew, neither the Packers or Lions would fail me. Final score, Packers 26 - Lions 0....Survivor Pool lasts another week.

This week presented a certain challenge; I knew that the Packers would win and I knew that the Steelers would win.....clear locks. But I also knew that the Steelers would probably be more attractive down the line during a cold weather game at Heinz Field in late December. I also knew that the Packers would never be more attractive than week 6, playing at Lambeau, coming off a bye, and facing a woeful Lions team full of injuries. As you've read here......I knew quite a lot last week (although zero evidence of that exists with my pick 'em pools).

The masses didn't speak clearly in last week's poll however, with the majority splitting their opinions between the Steelers (6 votes) and the Jaguars (6 votes). I asked for a bold call and many people gave it to me......take the Jaguars at home against the woeful St. Louis Rams. I was pretty much set on that direction too until I listened to the 619Sports.net Newsletter sent out to subscribers. Craig and Chris made such a compelling case to take Jacksonville, and with Survivor Pools being predicated on having viable options with good teams later in the year, I figured that everyone would be on the same page----all would back the Jags despite annihilation at the hands of the Seahawks the previous week because the St. Louis Rams are THAT bad.

This got me thinking......if everyone makes a play at the Jaguars and the Jags lost it would decimate the Survivor Pool......so I opted out, and took the Packers in hopes that a crappy Rams side might edge out an equally crappy Jacksonville side. Atari Bigby of the Packers did his part for me...

Seriously.....is there a name more cool than Atari Bigby? I'm not even biased! I had ColecoVision as a kid.

...and I almost looked like a savant when the Rams looked as though they would bounce the Jags. 'Twas not to be in a week 6 overtime contest. So how many people chose the Jags? It was only one player anyway so I essentially built up this scenario, wasted many minutes typing as well as your time reading, and delivered zero drama-----you knew I won with the Pack and that the Jags won in OT. Sorry, good reader. One sap did take the Eagles though so I send a heart felt thank you to the Hapless Raiders.

Five players remain and these are my teams off the board:

• Patriots
• Vikings
• Ravens
• Bears
• Eagles
• Packers

What to do with the Detroit Lions on the bye? Here are my best options; what say you?

Terrible Football Teams, Twitter, and Total Consciousness

I'm just throwin' good $$$ after bad this year. Still alive in the survivor pool though, so in the words of Carl Spackler: "I've got that goin' for me...which is nice."

There's like 500,000 people following this guy on Twitter named Justin, who posts shit that his dad says---cleverly called shitmydadsays--- and it's hilarious. Here's something he posted a couple of weeks ago about the Detroit Lions. Enjoy...

Don't shoot the messenger. I've never been to Detroit.

Survivor Pool Week 5

The overwhelming favorite in last week's Survivor Pool Poll was the Philadelphia Eagles. It was an easy play and seemed to make sense. All four of my choice games (Steelers, Cowboys, Eagles, and Panthers) ended up winners. Sure wish I had gone with Carolina; would have spent the day looking like Donovan McNabb below, had I done so......So I took the easy way out----the Philadelphia Eagles versus the woeful Buccaneers. Sue me! I'm still alive as are the other 5 Survivors, winners all. Let's take a look at this week's games keeping in mind that the teams off the board are as follows:

• Patriots
• Vikings
• Ravens
• Bears
• Eagles

This may be the week to get a little funky with an under the radar pick so continue to advise, wise readers.



There are some super crappy teams playing this week! Let's do something bold! More bold than hiring Mike Vick as a back-up.....

Survivor Pool Week 4

There was no clear consensus in last week's poll so I decided for the first time to begin using strategy. I knew the Giants and Colts were locks but also knew they'd be solid down the line so I instead opted for my favorite QB of all time to keep the pool alive....

Yes....I put the Survivor Pool's fate on the golden arm of the Sulky Little Hillbilly, and he did not disappoint against the upper echelon Lions. Thanks, guy.

I'll put up a poll some time tomorrow but feel free to post ideas for week 5 in the comments section. Off the board:

• Patriots
• Vikings
• Ravens
• Bears

One person eliminated while leaning on Romo and the Cowboys....six men left.

UPDATE:

Survivor Pool Week 3

With the masses polling heavily in favor of a Baltimore victory in my Survivor Pool this week I stood fast with my initial gut reaction to ride the Ravens.

When it was all said and done I felt GREAT.... great like Willis McGahee minus the illegitimate children.

Only one player eliminated this week (on account of laziness) so 6/12 remain. The following S.O.B.s are off the board:

• New England Patriots
• Minnesota Vikings
• Baltimore Ravens

I see those in the poll below as the best options. If you think there's another 'better play' then make a suggestion, with this caveat: I need new socks, the bills are coming due and if I can keep winning I can continue to write these easy posts with polls. Don't disappoint!

Pre Game Week 3 Versus The Dolphins: SNL's Mother Lover Brings Perspective To This Ridiculous Fan

In the previous post I suggested that watching the Mother Lover video by Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg was an apt descriptor of Charger Fan reactions following the home loss against Ray Lewis' will last week. If you haven't figured it out....I meant that both were funny.

Seriously. That Mother Lover song is hilarious sh*t....and for a moment it made me stop thinking about Norv's terrible play calling and even worse press conferences. While the video is funny so is the collective response of Charger fan. C'mon people......every year starts this way:
--Chargers lose.
--Fans crap themselves.
--Fans begin questioning Norv, AJ and every personnel move down to those final 53 man cuts.

We'd be well served to chill out for a moment...but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the following:

The definition of ridiculously moronic and incredibly dimwitted is
to continue doing the same ridiculously moronic and incredibly dimwitted thing
and to expect a result
that is not
ridiculously moronic and incredibly dimwitted

I'm no Einstein so I can't tell you if it's him that I'm paraphrasing or if it's Edison or some other mad genius (hasn't Norv been described that way?). But the point I'm making is as follows: in order for me to simultaneously remove the noose from my neck, put the pills back in the medicine cabinet, and to trigger the safety on the 12 gauge sawed off, I need to see the coaching staff make some adjustments that account for the early injury losses we've sustained thus far.

On offense our running game and line play is suspect. So let's make sure we control the ball but also keep Franchise Phil safe by utilizing our giant receivers in a short west coast style passing adjustment. If we don't control the ball against Miami we may end up seeing a replay from the Miami/Indy game and by replay I'm not talking about a Miami loss.

On defense we've lost the center piece of the unit. Without Jamal we have to consider a serious overhaul as there's not a player on our roster who can replace him...and let's be honest, we weren't stopping the run even with the big fella in there against the Rai-duhs. What defensive adjustment will Ron Rivera make?

This isn't a must win but look to the future: a loss at home to Miami followed by a trip to Pittsburgh where regular season history has not been kind would be foreboding....1-3 going into the bye week. Yikes! We can say all we want that there's no reason to panic because we've overcome those odds in both the 2007 and 2008 seasons but it would also be foolhardy to compare the 2009 edition to either of those squads. In 2009, both the defense and rushing attacks are less than what they once were.

Besides; contenders win their home games.

Go Chargers!

Editor's Notes:

• Thank you for your input Faithful Eleven; Week 3 survivor pool = Baltimore Ravens!
• Is it to early to begin with advice from the Site Sages and installations of Voodoo. My sense is yes...but if Jessica Alba will start getting us wins I may have to make a concession.
• We do play in the AFC West.....so I suppose you can scrap the above diatribe.
  

Survivor Pool Week 2

Last week the masses spoke: Survival shall be achieved by backing the Vikings on the road against the Laughingstock Lions.....

...and right you were, Faithful Eleven (errr, eight). The Vikings, resounding 14 point winners, help me stay alive in the FFL Survival Pool. There's only 7 of 12 players that remain with yet another sucka falling last week. Once again I solicit your advice.

Vote.

If you've got a better course of action, write something in the comments section. Keep the following in mind; I've already used New England and Minnesota; I need new socks and the bills are coming due......

Survivor Pool Week 1

Cool throwbacks....even cooler gloves. Randy Moss needs a Randy Moss 'throwback' moment. He's been an intolerably good citizen since arriving to NE.

I've never done a survivor pool before but it is a component of the FF league that I'm in this year, so I'm awkwardly navigating the terrain. What I'm saying is that I really don't have a strategy. I'm not looking ahead because who knows how far it'll go with only 12 players involved (4 were already eliminated in Week 1). So my only gameplan for week 1 was to pick what I felt was an ABSOLUTE lock!

I started with the Chargers on the road but opted out for the Patriots at home. What a disgusting feeling to be rooting for the Patriots during that comeback against the Bills last night. I felt dirty.....like Ace Ventura after the grim realization that Finkle was Einhorn. I too should have burnt my clothes, turned on Boy George and jumped into the shower to cry.

Somehow I was able to do it. Perhaps it was the Patriot throwbacks that allowed me to push on through. They looked less threatening; more like the doormats they were back in the day. I dug it.

Anyways...it's week 2 and I'm soliciting advice from the Faithful Eleven that frequent this site. I've narrowed it down to three Mortal Locks of the week. Cast a vote or offer up a better option. I need new socks and I've got bills to pay.....