Cuckoo for Nick Canepa: A telephone call to discuss how Chase Headley is still not Mike Schmidt

Following Kevin Acee's lead, Nick Canepa used Thursday morning's edition of the U-T to finally throw his two cents into the mix regarding Josh Byrnes' deadline non-moves and extensions.

I called out both columnists last week for not writing anything about the Quentin extension and it kind of pissed Canepa off. What can I say . . . I'm cuckoo.

Nick Canepa's Thursday column was pretty well written. I found myself nodding my head in agreement. And then the whole column unraveled.

As Canepa praised Josh Byrnes and my head nodded, a familiar jewel emerged:

What a professional July for Byrnes. He extended the contracts of left fielder Carlos Quentin and closer Huston Street and refused to give away Headley, who isn’t Mike Schmidt but may be his most reliable position player.

 Wut the wut? Didn't Nick use this same Mike Schmidt reference a couple of weeks ago?

I could not let this comparison stand! I decided to call Nick Canepa and record the call for your enjoyment . . .


[Pleasantries exchanged. Loathing confirmed.]

AJM: Who is Mike Schmidt?

CANEPA: Seriously? He was a third baseman for the Phillies.

AJM: Did he have a mustache?

CANEPA: Yes. What's your point?

AJM: I'm trying to figure something out, be patient. Was he a switch hitter?

CANEPA: That's the problem with young people. Asking if Michael Jack Schmidt was a switch hitter? You're an idiot.

AJM: I meant sexually.

CANEPA: What?

AJM: Never mind. Did he win MVP awards?

CANEPA: Three, Senor Internet writer. Avenging Jack Murphy. What a bunch of crap.

AJM: Be patient. Did he win gold gloves?

CANEPA: He was the best. How old are you?

AJM: My age is not relevant to this discussion.

CANEPA: Your brain is not germane to this discussion.

AJM: German? I'm not German. What does that have to . . .

CANEPA: What is the point of all of this?

AJM: Sorry. If Chase Headley shaved his beard but kept his mustache would he kind of be like Mike Schmidt?

CANEPA: Have you even seen Schmidt's mustache? His mustache was the Johnny Weismuller of mustaches.

AJM: Who?

CANEPA: Its an Olympics reference. That's the problem with people today, they don't appreciate yesterday. You've probably never even seen a Bogart film.

AJM: I forgot what, oh wait. Bogart?

CANEPA: Bogart! Do you even read my columns before you lampoon them?

AJM: Let's move this along, sir. I know you're busy. Has anyone ever really suggested that Chase Headley is Mike Schmidt? I'm pretty sure everyone is aware that he's good, and could have value to many teams, but that he's no Hall of Famer. Certainly no Mike Schmidt.

CANEPA: I'm trying to make a point by using the Schmidt reference ad nauseum.

AJM: Well, I don't get it.

CANEPA: Good god, don't you people have a sense of humor? Would it have worked better if I had written that Chase Headley is no Joe Randa?

AJM: [... smiles...]

AJM: [...squeals like school girl...]

AJM: [... quickly hangs up phone...]

AJM; [... goes and writes in diary...]

*I didn't actually call Nick Canepa. This is merely an imagined phone-call Q&A with Nick Canepa.