Andrew Cashner and elbowing myself in the head

The following post is about Andrew Cashner. The first few paragraphs will do many a thing to dissuade you from this fact. Again. Andrew Cashner.

If I'm ever to find myself in a state of disapproval over an issue of some sort then I will shoot myself in the face. This sort of if-then statement is violent but it serves a purpose. When I want others to know just how strongly I feel, the following if-then statement, might escape from my lips:

I swear to God. If I have to watch another episode of Full House, featuring John Stamos's hair and those insufferable twin baby girls, then I will shoot myself in the face.

But there's an inherent dilemma with such extreme hyperbole; AJM would be using it in front of his daughters who are watching said programming. Mrs. AJM believes this to be a family oriented show and worthy of the family's time. AJM believes another episode could lead to a figurative gun shot wound to the face. AJM will exercise caution both with his use of descriptive epithets in front of children and further use of third person language.

Which brings me to my alternative. Rather than use the blatant imagery expressed above I will instead say, "Blah, blah, blah, then I will elbow myself in the head."

It's not nearly as extreme and the outcome is latent. Let me explain . . .


When people hear you mention self-abuse via elbow they will be forced to mentally question, "Could I elbow myself in the head?" In fact they're likely to attempt the act themselves.

Forming a 90 degree angle, they'll raise their arm, and gently place the flesh covering the ulnar collateral ligament to their temple and they'll say, "A-ha! I can elbow myself in the head."

I'll just smile in the way that people do when they mean to say, "Never mind. You fucking idiot."

But what these people don't realize is that I watch MMA and the side of the elbow is not at all the elbow. The elbow is the point of the elbow and it can be used to inflict serious bodily harm. In order for one to use the point of their elbow to accost one's self, one must violently dislocate their own shoulder to provide the necessary range of motion to inflict the blunt force elbow trauma.

What I have described is violent but subtle as people simply don't understand what I mean. And it doesn't include a gun. Despite the 2nd Amendment of 1791 granting, we the people, the permission to arm ourselves, people don't like guns.

So . . .

If Andrew Cashner's trip to the DL (or any other future injury while starting sends him to the DL) forces Padres management to send him back to the bullpen due to concerns of fragility then I will elbow myself in the head.

Last week Craig Elsten wrote the following in his XX1090 column:

Even if the risk is another arm issue, Cashner’s value as a starter is so much greater than what he offers as a reliever, the reward makes the risk worth taking.  Bad teams don’t have much use for closers and even less for set-up men.

Elsten's conclusion, regarding Cashner's potential value and the nature of bullpen set-up men, is an important one.

Set-up men can be had for next to nothing. Edward Mujica. Ryan Webb. Mike Adams. Luke Gregerson. Heath Bell.

The aforementioned constituted one of the strongest bullpens in major league baseball a couple of years ago and they're all guys off the scrap-heap. The Padres didn't give up much to acquire them.

The Padres certainly did not deal a top prospect, one considered to be amongst the top 50 prospects in all of baseball for one of those bullpen arms. But they did deal that top chip when they sent Anthony Rizzo to the Cubs for Andrew Cashner. Because of the quality dealt for Cashner we are left with no other conclusion than, for this trade to pan-out, Andrew Cashner  must provide value out of the starting rotation.

I agree with Craig Elsten. Run Andrew Cashner back out there. Keep doing it. Do it until he's a mega superstar or until he can literally elbow himself in the head . . . so I don't have to figuratively do it to myself. Even figurative abuse carries its own type of pain.