Joe Thatcher disagrees with my assertions

What are these assertions I speak of and why does Joe Thatcher* stand staunchly in opposition to them?

*I can only assume that Joe Thatcher would disagree with me. But I haven't talked to him.

 I assert that Giants SS Brandon Crawford, while wielding a moderately luke-warm bat in July, sucks to high heaven as a major league ball striker.

I assert that Padres LHP Joe Thatcher, while wielding outstanding splits against lefties, sucks to high heaven as a major league ball hurler.

I assert that it would have been way funnier if this game would have ended on a wild pitch. At 15.0 games out of first place in the NL West I want weird*!

*Would this even be considered weird for Thatcher? Me thinks not. 

Joe Thatcher debuted for the Padres on July 26th, 2007 after arriving from Milwaukee as part of the Scott Linebrink trade. By the summer of '07 I had come to despise Scott Linebrink and welcomed the trade. Thatcher stayed in the Padres bullpen for the remainder of the season which ended catastrophically in Colorado during the shitshow that was -- the one hundred and sixty third game of the season. 

I point out these details to hurt you. To twist the knife into your weary soul. And to call attention to the fact that when Chase Headley* gets traded, Joe Thatcher will be the San Diego Padres most tenured player. Eat that, Wednesday!

* Chase Headley debuted on June 15th, 2007 in Chicago during the series in which Chris Young punched Derek Lee in the face. Or the series in which Chris Young missed Derek Lee's face when he tried to punch Derek Lee in the face. Chase Headley also went 1 for 1 in Game 163. Again . . . eat that, Wednesday!