Avenging Jack Murphy's Muse is a Raider Sympathizer; course of action requested

This is one of those things that we had an inkling about, a sneaking suspicion, an indication, a hunch....and thankfully, for this post, a thesaurus.

Our current dilemma evokes the riddle of youthful ignorance and the Easter Bunny.

As a child you accepted the notion that it was rational for a life size rabbit to make deliveries of candy to commemorate the resurrection of Christ. You did not question this odd amalgam of pagan and Christian traditions........because you were 8 and didn't know what the fuck a pagan was.....and because you were chomping the heads off of chocolate bunnies. But deep down inside you knew the truth. You held your silence out of fear.....fear that the sugar pipeline would dry up. So you kept on believing, though your subconscious remained privy to the truth.

You shouldn't have needed mommy and daddy to tell you there was no 6'3" hare sneaking into the home once a year, just like I shouldn't have needed Jessica Alba appearing in a photo wearing a Raider hat to acknowledge the obvious. She's from the LA area........the Raiders called that shit hole home during her formative years......heck......I saw her on the Best Damn Sports Show Period years ago and she said her pops was a Raider fan. Daughter apples never fall far from the father tree. The writing was always on the wall but I denied, denied, denied. I denied the verity of the situation much like Daniel Snyder denies the fact that he completely fucked-up in hiring Jim Zorn to coach the 'Skins. Me and Daniel Snyder....fuckos!

So here WE are.....at an impasse of sorts. Alba snuck into this blog a long time ago and became its Matron Saint often yielding the most sagely advice. But the truth is now as undeniable as Eliot Spitzer being caught with a high-end hooker. Spitzer and I have both been compromised and as figures of renown we must acquiesce to the demands of our public.

You'll have to vote on the fate of The Sage......The Matron Saint......the most righteous 1/3 of the Holy Trinity of Jessicas. What say you public?



If you vote for option 1 or 3 please use the comment section to propose alternatives.

$ 201,449,189 versus $113,004,046 from the $43,734,200 perspective

In My Opinion:
There is no good that can come from the New York Yankees winning the 2009 World Series. A series victory for the Yanks only serves to justify their lavish spending habits in the pursuit of championships. That's news of the doomsday variety for 29 other team.

The Yankees make purchases like a college undergrad receiving a credit card for the first time, burning through plastic with little regard for the future. Frivolity prevails in the form of a Sega Genesis, 1994 EA Sports Hockey*, and a steady diet of pizza, courtesy of Domino's and Visa. I know of what I speak.

The Yankees spend like a U.S. governmental agency pushing to spend its last penny so that the department head can request EVEN MORE money for the following year's budget (that means $50 dollar toilet seats and $15 dollar nuts & bolts for your tax dollars). Both entities are extraordinarily wasteful.......and yes, if you've failed to connect the dots, I am intimating that Jason Giambi and Carl Pavano are $50 dollar toilet seats!

Spending like an A-HOLE is not a sustainable business practice.....yet, the Yankees continue to make one poor personnel decision after another without it damaging the long term future of the franchise. A championship will only embolden the Yankees to continue down a spending path that will assuredly ruin the game of baseball for small market teams, who as of now, only serve as extended farm systems at the disposal of the Bronx Bombers.

Is might right? Me thinks not.

Go Phills!

* Pavel Bure, Alexander Mogilny, Theo Fleury, and Jeremy Roenick were wrecking machines in that game. I'd advise the youth of America not to purchase such a fantastic diversion during finals week.

• Pre-Finals G.P.A=3.0
• Post-Finals G.PA.=2.0

$$$ well spent in the pursuit of higher education.

Some Hate For The Hump Day: Jake Delhomme, The Carolina Panthers, and a Raider To Be Named Later

How can someone be so freakin' bad at Quarterback? Jake Delhomme is a horrid professional! This guy has 18 INTs in his last seven games (including last year's playoff game). He's a useless Cajun who needs to retire, and return to the bayous of Louisiana......

......so a crocodile can feast on his crotch.....and all other useless body parts! All of them!!!

It's my own fault for siding with the Panthers in my Survivor Pool. God forbid I pick the Panthers to win at home against a lowly Bills squad......who was missing its starting QB.....and could only score six points against the Cleveland Browns. How stupid of me! The Panthers destroyed the Bills in every meaningful statistical category except for points on the scoreboard. F*ck!!!

Crocodile, Jake!!!!! Crocodile!!!!!

It's Raider week: allow me to recommend the Richard Seymour hate on a plate.

From the New England Patriots to the Hapless Raiders. Once a douche, always a douche.

Three Wins and Three Losses: 2009 Chargers = Groundhog Day

Doesn't 2009 really feel like 2008? And 2007? As Chargers Fans we are Bill Murray's Groundhog Day character; living life over, and over, and over again. San Diego's samsara

At halftime of the Bolts contest at Arrowhead I sent the following text message:

I'm sorry but it should be 31-0 right now. I don't mean to complain......but 31-0.....defense looks alright though.

F*cking fans are never satisfied. A legitimate complaint though. The offense laid yet another egg on their opening drive.....three and out.....one minute and six seconds of futility on a Sunday morning. However, the offense got it going, played with a lead, and oh how the day became easier for the defense. But still......they should have been up 31-0 and that's worth complaining about because the Chiefs....errr, Dallas Texans came out and scored on their first drive of the second half and the faithful were left to inquire; "Are you F*cking serious? 20-7 now! Are you F*cking serious?".

Even Phillip Rivers agreed with my assessment of the scoring. From today's Union Tribune:

The Chargers scored a dominating 37-7 victory at Arrowhead Stadium, and the offense made some spectacular plays. But by Rivers' own admission, San Diego could have scored 50-something points against a faulty opponent that is now 1-6 and has lost all four of its home games.

Could have? SHOULD HAVE!!!

Beggars can't be choosers. We needed a win, we got a win, I'll shut the f*ck up.

What the hell is wrong with Chris Chambers? He catches like he's Renaldo Nehemiah.

Hey! Shawne Merriman was active and making tackles. Did you see the one where he went down the line of scrimmage, hurdled a player and made the tackle? Of course I saw it, that's why I'm asking you. 'Twas a good sign. If the Chargers are any good they should have blown out the Chiefs.....and they did.....so there's a chance they may get it together, yet.

Fouts and Emberg we're discussing LT's woes, attributing his failings to the line as well as the absence of Lorenzo Neal. Number 14 and Mr. "Oh, My!" pointed to a run that LT was stopped on and then lamented on LT's behalf how Lo Neal was no longer there to blow-up holes for the future Hall-of-Famer. Here's the problem though.......I watched Jacob Hester go into the hole, line his man up, and then drive him out of the picture......and LT didn't follow Hester's block but instead cut it back inside. I noticed this on another occasion as well. Just sayin'. Maybe Hester's not a wrecking ball but he doesn't ole his blocks.

The bells of criticism always ring loudest concerning our offensive line (and why shouldn't they when you have seven tries from inside the 5 rd line to punch it in and you can't) but here's something to consider: Marcus McNeal and Kris Dielman are pro-bowlers on the left side of the line. Which side do we generally run to? The left. So what's the problem? Is it all Hardwick's absence? I'm not prepared to begin breaking down tape so that I can be more accurate and pointed with my criticisms.......I'll just continue to complain haphazardly and assert that I could run this team better than Norv.

Editor's Notes:

• Is it poor form to change your FF team's name this late in the game? The Tila Tequila Choke Slam to Chris Chambers' Hands Hate The Football
• Raider Week. Laughing Out Loud
• (Photo Credits: San Diego Chargers: www.chargers.com)
  

Memo: Cut the hyperbole and just make a play

MEMO
TO: Shawne Merriman
FROM: Avenging Jack Murphy
DATE: October 23rd, 2009
RE: Excessive hyperbole and crazy-talk

That's a great little aphorism, Shawne. However, you ARE NOT Superman and I think you're shooting on the high side there anyways. The Chargers ARE facing adversity........ so it would be best to direct your focus on MAKING PLAYS! You don't need to break records to be a champion. Records are for individuals....arrogant pricks. Championships are for teams. STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO.......

SDUT Polls: How will the Bolts finish?/Utilitarianism!/Uruguayan Rugby?

I haven't given up hope that the Chargers might be able to put something together* and make the playoffs..........but really.......there's nearly 5000 people who think they'll WIN THE AFC WEST! That scenario would require the Donkeys' week 8 charter flight en route to Baltimore to plummet into the Rockies, killing all passengers...... or at least forcing the survivors to eat one another.

Watch out for Elvis Dumervil**; that beast will either devour everyone in sight or sustain the beleaguered survivors for 8 days. I suggest using John Stuart Mill's theories on utilitarianism to justify eating the NFL's sack leader......or use the film Alive.

* Let's not forget that in both 2007 and 2008 the Chargers frustrated us to no end with 2-3 records. Funny stuff happens in the NFL and the line between winning and losing is much like the one that exists when confronted with the decision to eat your best mate after a crash in the Andes; somewhat blurry and very thin.

**My wife texted me regarding Elvis Dumervil at the game Monday Night after it looked like the Broncos had it won:

That damn Dumbledoor!

My wife is funny but I had no idea what she meant. She explained. I laughed.

Mike Singletary is to leadership as Norv Turner is to _________?

I have stated many times that my origins are of the Midwestern ilk and as such I happen to think quite highly of Mike Singletary. More precisely---he's bad a**. I think most would agree with that assessment and most would also take it a step further in suggesting: "Man I wish he was the coach of the San Diego Chargers!"

(you would suggest that wouldn't you?)

So in logging out of my email account what do I see but a picture of Samurai Mike and a video entitled: Mike Singletary on Leadership.

Fortuitous timing with the Chargers slipping 3 1/2 games behind the Denver Broncos and the city of San Diego up in arms about the leader at the helm (or lack there of). Why it was just yesterday afternoon that former fullback assassin, Lorenzo Neal, went on Darren Smith's show and railed against Norv Turner after former Charger safety Vencie Glenn* had done the same in the morning with Scott and BR.

So what does the Samurai have to say?

What do you think?

Is Norv leading by example? The lines of communication.....are they clear? What about the message he's selling? Is it being bought by the rank and file? Who knows.....I'm not in the locker room, but after listening to Lo' Neal's interview on XX1090 I'd say a lot of his information and opinion is based on that of an inside source. Maybe a mate from the fraternity of running backs, who he's close friends with? I'm just saying...

*Vencie Glenn, due to his critical but fair comments regarding how the Charger defense takes the field, has become one of the patron saints of Avenging Jack Murphy. Vencie Glenn is a hard man. Vencie Glenn is a wise man.

Survivor Pool Week 6

So I took the Packers this week in my Survivor Pool...or should I say that for the second consecutive week I opted for a team that was squaring off against the Detroit Lions. I knew, neither the Packers or Lions would fail me. Final score, Packers 26 - Lions 0....Survivor Pool lasts another week.

This week presented a certain challenge; I knew that the Packers would win and I knew that the Steelers would win.....clear locks. But I also knew that the Steelers would probably be more attractive down the line during a cold weather game at Heinz Field in late December. I also knew that the Packers would never be more attractive than week 6, playing at Lambeau, coming off a bye, and facing a woeful Lions team full of injuries. As you've read here......I knew quite a lot last week (although zero evidence of that exists with my pick 'em pools).

The masses didn't speak clearly in last week's poll however, with the majority splitting their opinions between the Steelers (6 votes) and the Jaguars (6 votes). I asked for a bold call and many people gave it to me......take the Jaguars at home against the woeful St. Louis Rams. I was pretty much set on that direction too until I listened to the 619Sports.net Newsletter sent out to subscribers. Craig and Chris made such a compelling case to take Jacksonville, and with Survivor Pools being predicated on having viable options with good teams later in the year, I figured that everyone would be on the same page----all would back the Jags despite annihilation at the hands of the Seahawks the previous week because the St. Louis Rams are THAT bad.

This got me thinking......if everyone makes a play at the Jaguars and the Jags lost it would decimate the Survivor Pool......so I opted out, and took the Packers in hopes that a crappy Rams side might edge out an equally crappy Jacksonville side. Atari Bigby of the Packers did his part for me...

Seriously.....is there a name more cool than Atari Bigby? I'm not even biased! I had ColecoVision as a kid.

...and I almost looked like a savant when the Rams looked as though they would bounce the Jags. 'Twas not to be in a week 6 overtime contest. So how many people chose the Jags? It was only one player anyway so I essentially built up this scenario, wasted many minutes typing as well as your time reading, and delivered zero drama-----you knew I won with the Pack and that the Jags won in OT. Sorry, good reader. One sap did take the Eagles though so I send a heart felt thank you to the Hapless Raiders.

Five players remain and these are my teams off the board:

• Patriots
• Vikings
• Ravens
• Bears
• Eagles
• Packers

What to do with the Detroit Lions on the bye? Here are my best options; what say you?

Tuesday Morning Analysis

www.chargers.com

We stink.

Seriously, do we even need to discuss this? What's the point? Look at that picture---those are home uniforms---if you can't win at home in October you have little chance on the road in December.

Really? Neither the Union Tribune or the Chargers Website could get any pictures of the Charger Girls in their retro outfits. It just keeps getting worse.

Chargers Postgame Videocast: Bucked By The Broncos [619 Sports.net]
Broncos saddle Bolts with hard-to-swallow loss [UT-Kevin Acee]
This team has fallen flat, fast [UT-Nick Canepa]
Tables have turned for Chargers [UT-Tim Sullivan]

Silver Linings: Jay Cutler Still Plays Like A Lady

I am attractive.....and prone to accepting false prophets

There is a silver lining to the Broncos getting off to such a stellar start; it makes Jay Cutler look like an even bigger douche and that is soooooooo satisfying. There is no player I root against more than The Little Hillbilly (Silver Medal: Randy Moss).

Now that TLH is out of the AFC West I'm forced to root against my birth team, the Chicago Bears---a burden I never thought I'd bear. No longer do I boast a vested interest in the Monsters of the Midway so I have no concern with their standing but I had never actively rooted against them*.....until Jay Cutler arrived. A Jay Cutler Hater must do what a Jay Cutler Hater must do.

Seeing statistics like the ones below make me warm.....

JC's red zone gaffes and another loss makes me feel fuzzy......

Feeling warm and fuzzy going into Monday Night Football tomorrow.....priceless. I'll miss seeing Jay Cutler FAIL on Jack Murphy's Field; your turn Kyle Orton.

*Not entirely true. The 2007 home opener saw me root For the Bolts/Against the Bears. But there was no loathing towards any of their players nor the team itself. Time brings change.

Terrible Football Teams, Twitter, and Total Consciousness

I'm just throwin' good $$$ after bad this year. Still alive in the survivor pool though, so in the words of Carl Spackler: "I've got that goin' for me...which is nice."

There's like 500,000 people following this guy on Twitter named Justin, who posts shit that his dad says---cleverly called shitmydadsays--- and it's hilarious. Here's something he posted a couple of weeks ago about the Detroit Lions. Enjoy...

Don't shoot the messenger. I've never been to Detroit.

2009 Rankings: Retro and Alternate Uniforms.....as well as my nomination

As I logged out of my email I was directed to Fox Sports where a gallery of this year's retro uniforms was displayed along with commentary. As always, the Chargers' powder blues were lauded.

But the idiot writing the captions felt that he couldn't give the nod to the Bolts' attire on grounds that he never sees them wear the Throwback White version. A little research would have told him that the Chargers will be wearing the whites against Kansas City next week. He also couldn't vault the Chargers to #1 because.....well that spot is reserved for the New England Patriots. "Simply the best" read the commentary----well they are simple. Red, White, and Blue and a bent over Patriot stamped onto the helmet. I thought the NFL was supposed to be family oriented?

Speaking of uniforms; the ones from the Lingerie Football League, while not retro, are definitely appealing. The Ghost of Sid Going astutely pointed out that we may be watching the wrong team in San Diego and if things go poorly this coming Monday Night.....well here's the LFL's schedule for San Diego's team, The Seduction.

Voodoo en Viernes: The Wrath Of The Denver Donkey Throwback Swirly Socks

It goes without saying, that from a Charger perspective, this week is crazy critical.

Not long ago, when I bought tickets for the upcoming Monday Night Legacy game against the Broncos, I figured I'd be attending a complete laugher of a contest. The only legitimate concerns on game night were if I could 'pace' myself accordingly so as to be an effective human at the job on Tuesday...... and whether or not the Bronco throwback swirly socks might afflict me with a case of Vertigo.

Those are authentic concerns.....and now I have to worry about the fact that the Broncos are actually good........and that they could beat us at home......and that a loss would, in effect, bring a premature close to the Chargers' season? Hells Bells!!!

We had better run some righteous voodoo at the Donkeys for the Monday night battle. Last week we called for the "Something About Mary Prom Night Zipper Incident" to disable wunderkind coach Josh McDaniels, and if you saw the way he was dancing around after the game, pumping his fists, I'm pretty sure his nuts were stuck in the track.....

The problem however was that he enjoyed the crotch shot. We'll leave McDaniels out of it and again go after Orton once again this week. This guy has got to come back to Earth, no? I'm hesitant to destroy Brandon Marshall because he's one of my hottest weapons on The Tila Tequila Choke Slam........but I'm a Charger fan first. Post any creative ideas for debilitating hardships in the comments section.

It's not the brown and yellow making me sick.....it's the..... vertigo...hmm..ergg

The TTCS has running backs on byes and myriad issues so I'll put the hex on both of my opponents QBs; Kurt Warner and Kyle Orton. As bad as the Bolts' defense is, I'd think Orton's coming my way but you never know.....so you're on notice, Kurt Warner.

Clinton Hart Cut.....and we breath a sigh of relief!

Upon hearing the news that Clinton Hart was cut, I for one, breathed a sigh of relief. Our defensive line should improve mightily with that transaction.....and at least it wasn't Buster Davis released during the bye week. Now that would have been a traumatic move.

Survivor Pool Week 5

The overwhelming favorite in last week's Survivor Pool Poll was the Philadelphia Eagles. It was an easy play and seemed to make sense. All four of my choice games (Steelers, Cowboys, Eagles, and Panthers) ended up winners. Sure wish I had gone with Carolina; would have spent the day looking like Donovan McNabb below, had I done so......So I took the easy way out----the Philadelphia Eagles versus the woeful Buccaneers. Sue me! I'm still alive as are the other 5 Survivors, winners all. Let's take a look at this week's games keeping in mind that the teams off the board are as follows:

• Patriots
• Vikings
• Ravens
• Bears
• Eagles

This may be the week to get a little funky with an under the radar pick so continue to advise, wise readers.



There are some super crappy teams playing this week! Let's do something bold! More bold than hiring Mike Vick as a back-up.....

October 12th: An Existential Post

One year ago tonight---October 12th, 2008---we were at The Murph/The Q wildly celebrating a pronounced drubbing of the New England Patriots.

It's worth noting because this website only really exists because of that game as well as the one pictured above in the site banner---occurring on January 14th, 2007.

It seems like only yesterday that LT was the most dominating running back in the game, scrambling for 31 TDs, and now he's nearly an after thought. With only 20 rushes to his credit in 2009 and an offensive line that is quite useless have we witnessed the last great game from LT? Probably not......he looked great in the season finale against Denver in '08 until he tore his groin from his pelvic bone. I was there and up until that injury I thought the old LT had returned.

I hope next Monday I get to see "the Old LT" and not "Old LT" against Denver. If we don't the season could be cooked.

Awwww, Crap: Denver Broncos are 5-0

For More: The Denver Post

MEMO
To: Antonio Cromartie
From: Brandon Marshall
Date: Right after we shocked New England in OT
Re: The stiff-arm I'm going to give you if you try and tackle me like a girl

The Voodoo didn't quite work in regards to the Denver Broncos/New England Patriots game and that's on me, small miscalculation. In properly calibrating Voodoo one must always factor who the evil is being directed at. While under ordinary circumstances requesting a Donkey loss due to Josh McDaniels zipping up his nuts in pre-game is more than reasonable I erred in my evaluation of the total request. Bill Belichick is evil incarnate so asking Voodoo to act in conjunction with his vile persona actually nullifies said Voodoo. Like I said....my bad.

Denver has me worried. They seem to actually be good. After the Chargers performance in Pittsburgh, the Bolts have me worried. They seem to actually be bad. A recipe for disaster? Let's take a look at Denver's schedule:

They've got a tough schedule remaining. Traveling to Baltimore, Indy, and Philly is not easy. Taking on Pittsburgh and the G-Men at home, muy dificil. I would even say that going to Washington following physical games at Baltimore and then home against the Steelers is a miserable stretch of games. Not to mention they have to play us twice. They're good but they'll be challenged down the stretch.

How about the Chargers' schedule:

Easier because we've already played Baltimore and Pitt. G-Men in NY is no good but we get the Eagles at home. Bengals have been playing well but they've got to come here and then the Titans and Redskins both suck and they'll be playing for nothing, on and after Jesus' birthday.

Of course it's all moot if we don't start playing defense. The Broncos have defense.

Back to Voodoo. I threw it down on Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne and while Manning blew up, the preponderance of FF points went to the little white receiver whose wife quizzes him on the playbook each night before he goes to bed (maybe I should pick that fella up on waivers---what was his name?). So the Big Two were held in check.......did you see Reggie Wayne drop that easy pass in the end zone? Voodoo. The Tila Tequila Choke Slam is climbin' the charts.

On another note: there are some really crappy teams in the NFL this year. Even teams that are crappy are blowing teams out. My pick 'em leagues are not going well.

Voodoo en Viernes: Week 5

During the 2008 season this site concocted a strange brew of Buddhist counsel, Jessica Alba praise, and down-home voodoo. An odd amalgam of beliefs to be sure but functional as well. The above combination of world views led to the San Diego Chargers finishing the season on an astounding 4 game victory run coupled with the collapse of the Denver Broncos. The post-season also saw us reap modest success with the creation of the Manning De Milo. 2008 came to an unceremonious close though when the right mix of Voodoo failed to stem the DPOY and the eventual champion, Pittsburgh Steelers.

The results were undeniable: Dalai Lama/Jessica Alba/Voodoo yields victories (5-1).

The process of creating Voodoo dolls however is painstakingly tedious; a sap to my resource of time as well as finance. So for the early part of this year, good reader, you will have to settle for images of voodoo rather than three-dimensional representations.....we'll save those for the post season ( // I cross my fingers).

While I didn't think I'd have to muster the Voodoo so early, it returns today, entering week 5 of the NFL season in a segment called Voodoo en Viernes (that's Friday in Espanol for all the gueros out there).

Los Chargers. They're on the Bye this week but it doesn't mean we can't throw 'em a bone. Denver must lose and they've got the Patriots comin' to Mile High for week 5 so it is with that in mind that we throw a little bad juju at the Donkeys. Josh McDaniels is facing his mentor in Bill Belichick so the most non-lethal yet distracting impediment we can shower upon Denver's young coach is a beauty from the year 1998. We'll go with the prom night/rest room/ zipper/nut incident from Something About Mary. McDaniels will remain a functioning man but most one who is uncomfortable and prone to poor decision making against the Genius, Bill Belichick.

We'll also throw a little curse on the QB, Kyle Orton:

He doesn't look too competent in that photo.......here's to him tying one on the night before the big game because we all know that altitude affects your tolerance. Come back to Earth you bearded man!!!

AJM will also be throwing a little hex towards Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne. What did they do to deserve such wrath, you ask? Well here's the thing: my Fantasy Football team, The Tila Tequila Choke Slam, is in the crapper at 1-3. However my opponent who happens to have scored LESS points than The TTCS has a gaudy 3-1 record. Ahh, Yes. In one of those frustrating conundrums of the fantasy football world, I'm two games behind because while outscoring my rival I've nearly had 100 MORE points scored against me. That's Bush League Bull Crap and as such, Clark and Wayne must pay!!! Minor hamstring and quad tweaks is all we ask, resulting in precautionary rest. They're good fellas we just need to minimize scoring to get The TTCS back on track.

Need some Voodoo? Post it in the comments section.

No Chargers game, so no Sunday night sadness.

Enjoy Week 5

On Assignment: Site Sage, H.H. The Dalai Lama, Looks To Get Bolts Back On Track

The Chargers are in Dire need of a Denver Donkey Defeat. On account of this indisputable fact we will begrudgingly become New England Patriot fans for the weekend. The Donkeys must be destroyed like an injured Philly at Del Mar so it is with great pleasure that Avenging Jack Murphy has dispatched the 14th incarnation of the Dalai Lama and Site Sage, to spread total consciousness amongst Patriot personnel. Do your thing Lama.

Mailbag: Bolt Agony Sounds Off

Each week I'm inundated with emails. They're mostly related to winning a lottery in the United Kingdom *, my newest follower on Twitter**, or advertising for erectile dysfunction*** . Every once in a while though, I get an email related to the Chargers and because I value the opinions of the masses****, I'm generally inclined to post the email, in this especially creative little segment we call: Mailbag.

This individual goes by the moniker, Bolt Agony.......uh-oh, can't be good.

Men,

I hardly weigh in on these topics, but as my students work on their projects I have a minute....or
two.  First, the Chargers are no surprise to me. We are paying for our sins as San Diego fans
because we live in such a nice place.....we cannot have a contender! It wouldn't be fair to
the homophobes that live in Mass., shoveling snow and spewing slurs at people. They're the
same each year; under performing. But they play in a weak division, and will easily make
the playoffs; yeah I said it.....the Broncos will implode starting this weekend, and the Chargers
will beat them at least once if not both times.


What is the problem with the Chargers? One Name......AJ SMITH.  I would go with the
owner, but that is not a change that will be made, so the root of the problem starts with Mr.
"It is what it is".  He's a control freak, but does not take responsibility for his control.  Our
defense is too small and he blames the players.  Please Mr. Smith go out and trade some draft
picks for some D-Linemen NOW!. Bobby Beatherd may have mortgaged the future, but our draft
picks do not pan out often (BUSTer Davis).  So Follow the Raiders' lead (I can't believe I just
typed that) and go get a quality D-Linemen or three.   Also choose a better head coach....Norv is
a pussy! Stop thinking he will change or be someone else because he won't. He is who he is!
For all I care make Ron Rivera the head coach; at least he knows what it takes to be a player,
coach, and Super Bowl Champion.....and can tear his players a new one.

AJ please keep your comments about the team being soft to yourself or in the locker-room.  I
don't blame #56 for talking back to you, he is trying, but he is hurt....shouldn't be playing, and is
frustrated with jokers like Cromartie, Castillo, Gregory, Phillips, and the ten other so called
D-Lineman playing.  He won't be here next year and neither will LT (I don't care what anyone
says, he's still good but is trying to run through NO hole....no back would produce more with
that O-Line) Gates is the big question mark....will he be here next year?  He is turning it on now,
and if he keeps playing this way I would say keep him.

Our only hope is the man himself, P. Rivers.  

Regretfully Yours,

BOLT AGONY

P.S.  Marcus McNiell and Luis Castillo; please go to Mexico and get back on the juice,
you SUCK!

*Ridiculous amounts of Pounds Sterling. Cool.

**The Real Mike Tyson is now following me. Is "The Real Mike Tyson" the real "The Real 
Mike Tyson"? Either way it's fucking cool!

***It's cool....I'm cool.

****And I'm a content whore.

Charger Fans: Hope You're Feeling Better

The bye week is upon us and Charger fans are on the ledge, foot-a-danglin' and there may be only one thing that can return us from the brink.....making fun of others' misery. That's right! We will sink that low! Let's take the piss out of the Patriots! We'll start with their fans. Look at this clown:

Need more? Give this a go: from yesterday's edition of the Boston Globe:

FOXBOROUGH - Tom Brady said yesterday he wasn’t bothered by comments former teammate Rodney Harrison, now an NBC analyst, made about a pair of roughing-the-passer penalties Brady drew from the Baltimore Ravens.

In a halftime segment during Sunday night’s Steelers-Chargers game, Harrison took issue with a roughing-the-passer penalty against the Ravens’ Terrell Suggs, who was penalized after grazing Brady’s knee, and termed it a “horrible call.’’

Harrison added: “Tom Brady, if you’re listening, take off the skirt and put on some slacks. Toughen up.’’.........

Ha, Ha, Brady! Take your skirt off says old teammate Rodney Harrison. Even ex-teammates hate you. Loser!

Eh....who are we kidding? Rodney was just messing with his boy, clownin' around on Sunday Night Football. I missed it live, my head having been jammed into the freezer after the Bolts fell behind 21-0 so I kind of missed out on the context of Rodney's diatribe against BS calls that protect the QB.

So there's nothing positive to spin about the future of the Chargers, and speaking only for myself, I'm not too keen on having to support the Patriots against the Donkeys this weekend. These truths don't make me feel better nor should they assuage your pain. Maybe this can make us feel better:

Survivor Pool Week 4

There was no clear consensus in last week's poll so I decided for the first time to begin using strategy. I knew the Giants and Colts were locks but also knew they'd be solid down the line so I instead opted for my favorite QB of all time to keep the pool alive....

Yes....I put the Survivor Pool's fate on the golden arm of the Sulky Little Hillbilly, and he did not disappoint against the upper echelon Lions. Thanks, guy.

I'll put up a poll some time tomorrow but feel free to post ideas for week 5 in the comments section. Off the board:

• Patriots
• Vikings
• Ravens
• Bears

One person eliminated while leaning on Romo and the Cowboys....six men left.

UPDATE:

Charger Fan In Donkey Land: Week 4 Steelers

Picture courtesy of www.chargers.com

The hype was there as the days' games came to a close and the night game was upon us. Our opportunity to get a win against the Steelers in Pittsburgh was at our fingertips. LT coming back, which one would have assumed would have allowed us more balance between the run and pass on the offensive side of the ball.

Instead we were quickly reminded how banged up we are on the defensive side of the ball.

The Steelers opened things up with pass after pass, moving the ball at pace, down the field. Then right before our eyes, what looked like a broken play on the defensive side, but with the Steeler receiver appearing to only get one foot down, it left me saying, "wow that was close". To my surprise the official ran to the spot and signaled it a completion. I calmly said, "throw the flag....you yellow bellied bastard!"** However, NORV neglected to throw the flag and the play stood. Before I could blink they were in the end zone. Not that a single play on that first drive decided the game, but come on, we are issued a RED flag for reasons such as these. THROW THE DAMN FLAG NORV!

As the offense took the field, the confidence was there that we were going to drive right down the field and tie this game quickly. After all, the Bears and the Bengals didn't have much difficulty doing so. Instead we played as we have all season; a dismal first series to begin the game and gave the ball right back to the opponent. In this case it was the Steelers, who showed us the areas where we were affected by injury. Running up the gut on us would NOT happen should big 76 be in there at nose tackle. Unfortunately for Stephen Cooper, he is not, and we saw time and time again what its like to not have that presence in the middle.

As the game progressed and the deficit grew, I kept hope as I always do that we would turn things around allowing us the opportunity to get the win. Those of you who know me well, know that I carry confidence of a Win from the opening kick off until the last whistle.

We found ourselves far behind, but we never for a moment showed any sign of quit. Instead we began doing what we should have been doing all game long. (Future Note To Norv: Dammit!! We better open it up like that earlier next time so we can put some points on the board before we're dead and buried). Gates was a man out there, and seeing him utilized properly was an encouraging sign. Jackson stepped up as we have come to expect, and there was even a Chambers sighting on Sunday.

We gave them a scare on Sunday Night, but when it really came down to it our defense was not up to the challenge. That is where the concern lies moving forward. Our game plan moving forward must allow for the offense to open things up from the get go and put points on the board. That is a recipe that will reward us some wins, as we must compensate for our lack luster defense this season.

Enjoy the bye week gentlemen (and ladies), and be ready to come back in two weeks when we are more healthy and ready to show the Donkey's that they are overrated and have been nothing but lucky.

It is our opportunity to right things and put the Donkey's and baby Belichick in their rightful place. The losing side of the ball game.

Why would you call him Baby Belichick?

Keep your heads held high and we shall prevail. Out of this bye week we'll return with a sense of purpose as we go on our run to the post season.

BOLT PRIDE!

Charger Fan in Donkey Land

Editor's Note:
**I added the "yellow bellied bastard". Creative license.

Chargers' Nose Back To The Grindstone, Appear To Have Pinpointed All Of Their Problems....

I hate to take the piss out of Shawne Merriman because I like him and he has passion...... but c'mon? Become the master of your domain.....give the Twitter a break until you figure things out on the defensive side of the ball. San Diego is completely embarrassed by the Defense's performance on Sunday.

Get your head in the game; video of haircut don't make tackles!

Upholding An Ideal: The Chivalrous Defense Of Brett Fav-ruh

I'm not a Photoshop guy....imagine it says Vikings

Fortuitous timing and all, with the Vikes and Brett Favre squaring off against his former lover, the Green Bay Packers. Below you will find a text message transcript between myself and The Fav-ruh-pologist from last Sunday. I was in the car and heard on the radio that the Vikings rally had just stalled out and they looked like they were going to drop one at home to the 49ers....so I started talking trash. Obviously I texted too soon because Favre had one of his most grand prayers ever, answered in dramatic fashion. The below exchanges may seem extraordinarily mundane but I found them funny on two counts:

1. The dedication that one fan could have towards a player over a team (keeping in mind that The Fav-ruh-pologist has followed Favre from one team to the next).
2. The shear volume and length of texts in response to such innocuous statements.....I hope his texting plan is cheap.

Without further adieu:

What Happened to your boy?

(an innocent query)

Shut Up and go talk shit to someone else :)

People like you are the reason I continue to defend him. You are a hater. I've asked you to join me, and you sat back waiting for a moment to criticize and you forgot that there was still time left on the clock. Shame on you for lying in wait to attack a holy man. You should go to church and repent. GO VIKINGS AND GOD BLESS BRETT FAVRE!!!!!

(Favre=Messiah? Favre-ssiah!)

I haven't seen a response...kinda quiet huh? Oh I get it. It's game time for the Chargers. Time for next installment. I hope it turns out ok today. Good Luck! By the way it's Favre 2, AP 1. Hmmm.

(relax I can't type a message that fast...and I'm driving)

Another thing...I think I owe you a thank you for speaking too early. I thought it was over. It's the superstitiousness in me. So thanks.

(that's a valuable scrabble word)

That was vintage Favre...wing and a prayer

(Time to ramp it up! I have now given the angry bear a real good poke)

Whatever hater. Last second passes have to be right there. Did you watch the SuperBowl??? I suppose everything is on a wing and a prayer if you don't have all the talent the Chargers do. Go hate somewhere else. It was vintage Favre, you are right though. All the work leading up to the final pass was probably just him getting lucky. He would never get any true credit for what he brings to that team. Just go back to watching your DUMB team with all the other SD haters and idiots. 3-0 feels good. Just so ya know.

(the Chargers are not DUMB....they are BAD)

Glad to see the true Viking fans being rewarded.....you one of those?

(additional pokes and prods)

Keep grasping hater. I am defending an ideal. Not a normal situation for me, I concede, but I have stood by my point of view from start to finish with full conviction. I did for a brief time appreciate your semi unbiased sports point of view. I now see I was way off. You are just like everyone else. You want to look for a reason to take swipes at him. It's called player hating and it annoys. I have always given the Chargers the credit they DESERVE. I even admire a few players a bit. Your point of view is getting as old as everyone else. Just keep putting out your high quality opinions about the Padre colors and important stuff like that. And just try to leave the subject of Brett Favre alone for real blog sites.

(Following Brett Favre to the end of the Earth is not the pursuit of an ideal.....it is sedition in the eyes of all Packer fans. Blog sites are inherently crap and none are really 'real'. Really.)

'Real blog sites' are much more critical of your boy. I've actually given you the opportunity to voice the Favre point of view.

(what I meant to say---Fuck Yea I'm biased and I didn't mean "the Favre" point of view. It should have read Brett Fav-ruh point of view)

Don't worry, I'm not going to sit here and make you defend what YOU believe in. And I have read all the other blogs too. Once you filter through the idiots, there are some educated points of view. Some good and some bad for sure. But you and the surplus of other haters out there make it seem like that. Just keep up your good work.

Just admit you tried to talk shit too early and it will all stop. I'm not trying to be a hater. I'm just a little defensive as you can see. You aren't the only one sending me texts.

(I hope the Vikings get it handed to 'em tonight.....just so I can continue to poke the bear)

I'm still in awe with the velocity at which each one of these texts flew into my message box last week. Let's see what happens tonight.

Go PACK

Week 4: Chargers, Steelers, and C3PO

Pondering a 38-28 loss to the Steelers.....

Here's all I've got: as it relates to being a fan of San Diego sports teams, I quote a sage from a Galaxy, Far, Far, Away: "It is our lot in life to suffer."

Let's not take anything away from the Pittsburgh Steelers. They're the defending champs, enjoying some home cooking, and by all accounts had their backs against the wall. They should have won. But that game was ridiculous.

I think if we were forced to trade Philip Rivers away for another quarterback, I'd choose Ben Roethlisberger. He's tough and nearly impossible to haul down in the pocket...or any where on the field for that matter. But c'mon. He completed 79% of his passes! Do you know what kind of QB completes nearly 80% of his passes? No..... the answer is not a "Legend". QBs who complete 80% of their passes are PLAYING AGAINST EXTRAORDINARILY SHITTY DEFENSES!!!!!!! The cushion evident after their receiving corp caught Big Ben's passes was ridiculous. Just really porous defense. An embarrassment.

And Rashard Mendenhall......newsflash, Charger D......he's a former number one draft pick who also happens to carry an adjective that no football player ever wants attached to them: soft. Yes. Soft. A "soft" running back carved you up to the tune of 165 yards and 2 TDs. When he wasn't barreling over defenders, he was bouncing off of those who were completely uncommitted to the tackle.

Antonio Cromartie is a complete joke of a football player. I know he had at least three penalties, continued to tackle like a girl, as well as give obscene cushions to every receiver who came his way. I'm sure there's a lot of other crap he did too, like impregnate some baggage handler on the trip into the 'Burgh. I don't know the human but I HATE the football player.

Norv Turner. Sure, professional football players shouldn't need someone to get them fired up to play the game.....and that's a good thing because Norv is incapable of such a task. But a head coach needs to have his team ready to play from the time of the opening kickoff and Norv fails miserably there. Down 14-0 with the snap of a finger? That's four consecutive games, off to a crappy start. Waiting until it was 28-0 to mount a come back? The Chargers, often described as "one of the most talented teams in the league" (we have talented offensive personnel and a defense that gives up 500 yards---pundits, please stop referring to this team as talented and deep and all of that other crap), haven't scored a TD on the opening drive in over 20 straight games. That's on Norval.

So what's the answer for these Chargers?

There is no answer for them, only you. Get used to the disappointment as both a Charger and Padre fan because it will last in perpetuity. As San Diegans we are a cursed lot of fans. Much like the Red Sox carried the burden of an 86 year curse after the unceremonious dumping of a future hall of famer (all for the purpose of funding a Broadway play), so too do we have a cross to bear. Losing is our penance for being able to wear shorts and flip flops in January. This loss is my penance right now.....being able to eff around after the game and still get a decent night's sleep because I view games in Pacific Standard Time. Well rested fans deserve to lose, as no sacrifice has been offered to the Football Gods. Losing is our atonement, fellow San Diegans.....keep it in mind while others are shoveling their driveways in January and you're working on your foot tan.

Editor's Note:
Former Charger Vencie Glenn pulled no punches in his assessment of the Bolt's D during Channel 7's Sunday Night Football In San Diego after the game. Zero sugar coating. I like Vencie. He too appears to want Cromartie's head on a stick.