MLB Network's "30 Clubs in 30 Days": Padres Coverage Uncovers A New Theory About Closers As Analysts

I saw the Padres featured last night on the MLB Network's "30 Clubs in 30 Days" but there was no volume and I was drinking beers. I recorded the replay at 11 pm and I now sit down to discern the following:

1. What is it, that idiot savant baseball people like Mitch Williams*, think about our beloved Friars?
2. Is Hazel Mae hot or does she just come across as palatable wearing bright yellow in the Arizona spring heat?

PLAY BALL....I mean DVR!

"We're gonna keep on being optimistic on this Padres edition of 30 In 30." -Hazel Mae
 Hazel Mae made this comment to the studio after a positive player profile. The show probably should have been turned off right here!!!! A comment like that shows that they (MLB Network)  believe there is a lack of realism in their assessment of the Padres chances in 2010 and that they're just sellin' sunshine. What they don't know......there's REAL reason to be optimistic.


"Western Division Sleeper"
Describing the Padres as a sleeper delivers connotations of hope and I guess selling anything other than "hope" by MLB would be bad business. The Padres are like Butler University.

Dan Plesac sounds like a cartoon or a video game.......or like the computer voice of Joshua in the early '80s film, War Games.......or one of the guys from Bill Swerski's Super Fan
 The War Games reference speaks more to the cadence and rhythm of his speech which I find as annoying as the pesky computer simulation that nearly initiated WWIII. Or........this may be my way of suggesting, I do not entirely "buy" Dan Plesac as an analyst. Dan Plesac was a closer and it should be noted that, generally, their breed is not distinguished by their intelligence. They go in, fire fastballs and then pump their fist. Gross stereotype? Turn on the MLB Network and be the judge for yourself.....I think Dan Plesac makes a case for my theory. He gets points for having mentioned the San Diego Chicken, though.

You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit. See: Mitch Williams
If it walks like a duck.....it's probably a duck. Enough of the euphemisms, you get the point. All we really need to know is that Mitch Williams had a mullet during the 1993 World Series. Brian Bozworth had his mullet back in 1985. Boz was ahead of his time with his hair.....he was an innovator.....Mitch Williams on the other hand, dragged the style into the 1990s which was just irrational decision making. What would you expect from a Closer, though? Just because MLB cut his hair and put glasses on him doesn't make him an analyst. Kyle Farnsworth bespectacled himself and he's still a meat-head.

On Adrian Gonzalez Trade Rumors
"I'm the only idiot that thinks he's stayin''"-Mitch Williams. Mitch Williams is at least 50% correct in that statement.

We outscored the Pirates by 2 runs in 2009!!
An interesting statistic is presented. We were 15th in NL runs scored in 2009. If Everth Cabrera hadn't hit that walk-off grand slam in late August, (or was it September?) the Padres could have had sole possession of 16th place.....whatever.....I preferred the walk-off.

Jed Hoyer is wearing the new military logo style polo shirt in his interview
Since this blog has been described as a place to get fashion tips I'll go ahead and lament the not-so-subtle reminder that the Padres will look like the Star Spangled Banner long before they ever go back to mustard and brown.

I call Bullshit on their Line-up projection. Gwynn 1 and Cabrera 8?
Because.....that's total B.S.! Flip flop it!

Hazel Mae Side profile : Outstanding really
I often forget that I have the MLB Network so I am not all that familiar with Hazel Mae's body of work. Avenging Jack Murphy gives a seal of approval to at least part of her "body of work".

Wow...the Padres were in 1st place for 9 days last year
More interesting stats configured into a chart. We did get off to a nice start last year, didn't we? Expect the same this year. Mark it!

Heath Bell fat jokes by Mitch Williams
I can't really say that they were fat jokes but Williams did seem concerned about HB's weight yet no mention of Heath's Wii fitness regimen. That's just neglectful journalism.

Dan Plesac: Minor league "Expert"
 The "Closer" talked about 2009 #1 pick Donavan Tate. TOO EASY! Anyone can do that.....I'd rather hear about the accomplishments of our vaunted #1 pick of 2008. He did talk about Jaff Dacker.....points for not saying he possesses a John Kruk type body, although he insinuated it.

They sure showed a lot of Tony Gwynn Jr.
They sure showed a lot of Tony Gwynn Jr........

What have I learned this morning? The MLB Network sells hope, Hazel Mae has a nice complexion as well as side profile, and former MLB Closers are not adept enough to serve as analysts. Closers aren't actually even pitchers.....they're throwers....dim witted lummoxes.  Get some catchers on the panel, MLB!

 *Idiot Savant designation: Mitch Williams is 99.9 % idiot and .1% savant. He achieves savant status due to a creative delivery to home plate.