The Padres and Cake (part 3): Indoctrination

In Wednesday's The Padres and Cake (part 2): A Commode Story, I told you that my reasons for deceiving you were pure . . .

Our topic is indoctrination.

Properly indoctrinating young children is no easy task. You might think it so but the process is painstaking and endless. Are my little ones Padres fans? Sure. But to what degree? They know the name of Gwynn and that the Dodgers and Giants are not to be trusted but can they sit through a game, appreciating nuance, and ultimately stay with the team and the game forever?

'Tis a daunting task, this indoctrination business. I suggest beginning with something more simple. Something like music.

I don't believe in listening to kids music. There is a fine line between giving into a child's wants and completely selling your soul. Consequently, the moment you begin to purchase the aforementioned crap a part of you has died. But fear not -- kids don't really want that music anyway. You give it to them. And then they want it. End the cycle now.

The little Avengers like to dance so we turn on Time Warner's Music Choice channels. During the baseball season this event generally cuts into the top half of the 2nd inning. I am fine with this.

Against the wishes of Mrs. AJM, I do my best to avoid the kids channel and all dance stations. If dancing is to replace Padres on the television then it will occur to an alternative soundtrack (found on channels 916, 917, and 918). These are good stations. Modern alternative. The Clash, Police, etc. Remember, we're indoctrinating kids here. What do you want them to listen to? Make them want good music. Stop the cycle of delivering crappy music and you'll extinguish their desire for crappy music.

As the Padres game plays. Kids dance. Missing the second inning is an acceptable trade-off. The Music Choice channels, in addition to playing the soundtrack for our own personal Dance Party U.S.A., display rotating pictures and biographical information about the musicians. While the music plays, the Padres never fully leave the room because invariably, Cake begins to play.

When Cake plays, and the pictures cycle through,  I don't see Cake's lead singer and guitarist John McCrea. I see Heath Bell.

The vast number of times I've had this thought forced me to create an odd narrative about a marketing opportunity for the Padres*. Carrying that narrative in my mind for the last 11 months nearly killed me and it was with great relief that I deposited segments here at AJM, in various parts this week. I feel like I can properly carry on my true work now: indoctrinating children into following a small market baseball team.

*The Padres and Cake (part 1): A Failed Marketing Campaign

Training children to be Padres fans and to listen to good music is not easy. And it never will be. You must thrust yourself into both propositions.

If the day comes that the little ones decide that baseball is not for them, and the little bonding session you once enjoyed over the game is sought elsewhere, there will surely be a reckoning in your world. If this day comes while driving the vocal majority will likely clamor for you to exchange the cacophonous tones of Ted Leitner for music on the FM dial. And if this is your fate you'll be forced to posit this question: Did I err when I chose not to attempt to indoctrinate the little ones into listening to my music?

Do not let it come to this. Baseball is no sure thing with humans*. But music is forever. Program them to listen to the good stuff. And do it now.

*But it should be. Alas, I do not make the rules.